Things could be so different now; it used to be civilized
You will always wonder how it could have been if you'd only lied
Never again is what you swore the time before
Now you're standing there tongue tied
You'd better learn your lesson well
Hide what you have to hide
And tell what you have to tell
-Depeche Mode, Policy of Truth
I am a jerk.
When I first started teaching in the district when I currently work, I made friends with this History teacher. Ill call him John Smith, though thats not his name. In any case, John is a great guy: funny, handsome, loves animals, loves his students like his own, yadda yadda. We quickly became friends because I appreciated his quick wit. He was living with a girl when I first met him, but I had a bit of a crush on him. Last year, he and the girlfriend split, and I said to him, kind of casually, that we should go out and drink heavily to help him get over the break. He laughed it off, but then months later, asked if I wanted to get that drink after all. I said sure, and we went out for a casual dinner. Well, one thing led to another, and he ended up kissing me in my apartment. This was totally unexpected to me, as though I found him attractive, we had become chummy and I had long since buried my crush into nothing but a passing fancy. I told him, right then and there, that I didnt want a boyfriend.
All of a sudden, he turned into Uber-Romantic Man: sending me notes into my classroom, and even having flowers delivered to me at school. It was flattering, but I couldnt get into it. I try to make it a rule not to date people I work with nor have romantic attachments to my friends. Soon he was trying to kiss me in the hallways when no one was looking. I froze up, and although it is a personality trait I hate the most in others, became avoidant. I avoided him in the hallways, avoided his phone calls, and even started making it a habit to leave the building right after school so that I wouldnt be caught alone with him in my classroom. Why didnt I just TELL him of my discomfort? I have no idea. Once again, I hate avoidant people. I cant stand passive-aggressiveness. If I have a problem with something someone has done or said, I tell them about it. And yet, I couldnt do so with John. He was, by all outside standards, the perfect catch. Jen even bet me $40 that I would sleep with him by August. I took the bet whole-heartedly, knowing that even with all of his positive qualities, I had no desire to venture down that road. I liked him too much to make him a Dixie-cup and yet didnt like him enough to have any real physical intimacy. So, I blew him off. He eventually stopped calling during the summer.
Come August, I thought about calling him and apologizing for being such a jerk. I missed our friendship, and I knew that how I had handled the situation had fucked up that aspect as well. I never got up the nerve to call.
Today, I saw him in a room with another returning teacher. I said hello, and he turned and looked the other way. I knew I deserved it, but I also knew that I couldnt go through an entire school year with this kind of discomfort between us. I would see him on a daily basis. So, when I found him in the History book closet later, I walked in and cornered him behind a shelf.
ME: Hey.
JOHN: Hi.
ME: Are we still friends?
JOHN: I dont know. I dont appreciate people not returning my phone calls.
ME: Yeah I know. I thought about calling you and explaining, but I..
JOHN: Whatever. (turns back to me)
ME: I want to talk to you about this.
JOHN: Theres nothing to talk about.
So I left. After school was over, I remained at my desk, trying to sort through the massive amounts of crap I had accrued the previous year and for some reason had found necessary to store away in June. John walked in and stood over my desk.
JOHN: You know, you should have just had the balls to say you werent interested.
ME: Yes, I know. I was a jerk. I dont have any excuse for being that way.
JOHN: Well, just so you know, I had to discuss you at length in therapy.
ME: Um, well, I really want to explain that it wasnt you. I mean, I know people say that all the time, but this time, its true.
I told him everything. Well, except for the $40 bet. He said nothing, so I tried to change the subject.
ME: You look good.
JOHN: Yeah I know.
ME: What did you do this summer?
JOHN: Stuff. I took a class
ME: Did you meet anyone at the class?
JOHN: No, I pretty much cocooned myself.
ME: What do you mean?
JOHN: I mean, you so royally fucked with my self-esteem that I figured that I shouldnt stick my neck out again.
ME: Are you trying to make me feel worse? Because I already feel like shit.
JOHN: Yeah, whatever.
ME: Are we ever going to be friends again?
JOHN: Hmmm. It will never be the same. You messed up too badly.
ME: Well I still am very sorry.
(awkward silence)
ME: I got my eyebrow pierced over the summer, but I yanked it out last week.
JOHN: I have no respect for people who put things in their faces.
ME: Sara [a science teacher who is about our age] has her tongue pierced.
JOHN: Yeah, like I said. I dont much respect her either.
(awkward silence)
JOHN: Well Im going to go. College football is on all weekend and Im psyched.
ME: Okay.
JOHN: You know, you really fucked up. You passed over the best thing that could have happened to you. I think you have some serious issues and need to get your priorities straight.
ME: (not knowing what to say in response to that) Yeah.
(leaves)
So now I feel like crap, and I know I deserve it. I dont wish I had pursued the relationship with John; not at all. But I wish I had handled it differently.
Im writing this to get this off my chest. I dont want a its okay or dont worry about it placation; I guess I just felt the need to purge these unclean feelings I am having under my skin. Perhaps its my act of contrition for being so slimy.
You will always wonder how it could have been if you'd only lied
Never again is what you swore the time before
Now you're standing there tongue tied
You'd better learn your lesson well
Hide what you have to hide
And tell what you have to tell
-Depeche Mode, Policy of Truth
I am a jerk.
When I first started teaching in the district when I currently work, I made friends with this History teacher. Ill call him John Smith, though thats not his name. In any case, John is a great guy: funny, handsome, loves animals, loves his students like his own, yadda yadda. We quickly became friends because I appreciated his quick wit. He was living with a girl when I first met him, but I had a bit of a crush on him. Last year, he and the girlfriend split, and I said to him, kind of casually, that we should go out and drink heavily to help him get over the break. He laughed it off, but then months later, asked if I wanted to get that drink after all. I said sure, and we went out for a casual dinner. Well, one thing led to another, and he ended up kissing me in my apartment. This was totally unexpected to me, as though I found him attractive, we had become chummy and I had long since buried my crush into nothing but a passing fancy. I told him, right then and there, that I didnt want a boyfriend.
All of a sudden, he turned into Uber-Romantic Man: sending me notes into my classroom, and even having flowers delivered to me at school. It was flattering, but I couldnt get into it. I try to make it a rule not to date people I work with nor have romantic attachments to my friends. Soon he was trying to kiss me in the hallways when no one was looking. I froze up, and although it is a personality trait I hate the most in others, became avoidant. I avoided him in the hallways, avoided his phone calls, and even started making it a habit to leave the building right after school so that I wouldnt be caught alone with him in my classroom. Why didnt I just TELL him of my discomfort? I have no idea. Once again, I hate avoidant people. I cant stand passive-aggressiveness. If I have a problem with something someone has done or said, I tell them about it. And yet, I couldnt do so with John. He was, by all outside standards, the perfect catch. Jen even bet me $40 that I would sleep with him by August. I took the bet whole-heartedly, knowing that even with all of his positive qualities, I had no desire to venture down that road. I liked him too much to make him a Dixie-cup and yet didnt like him enough to have any real physical intimacy. So, I blew him off. He eventually stopped calling during the summer.
Come August, I thought about calling him and apologizing for being such a jerk. I missed our friendship, and I knew that how I had handled the situation had fucked up that aspect as well. I never got up the nerve to call.
Today, I saw him in a room with another returning teacher. I said hello, and he turned and looked the other way. I knew I deserved it, but I also knew that I couldnt go through an entire school year with this kind of discomfort between us. I would see him on a daily basis. So, when I found him in the History book closet later, I walked in and cornered him behind a shelf.
ME: Hey.
JOHN: Hi.
ME: Are we still friends?
JOHN: I dont know. I dont appreciate people not returning my phone calls.
ME: Yeah I know. I thought about calling you and explaining, but I..
JOHN: Whatever. (turns back to me)
ME: I want to talk to you about this.
JOHN: Theres nothing to talk about.
So I left. After school was over, I remained at my desk, trying to sort through the massive amounts of crap I had accrued the previous year and for some reason had found necessary to store away in June. John walked in and stood over my desk.
JOHN: You know, you should have just had the balls to say you werent interested.
ME: Yes, I know. I was a jerk. I dont have any excuse for being that way.
JOHN: Well, just so you know, I had to discuss you at length in therapy.
ME: Um, well, I really want to explain that it wasnt you. I mean, I know people say that all the time, but this time, its true.
I told him everything. Well, except for the $40 bet. He said nothing, so I tried to change the subject.
ME: You look good.
JOHN: Yeah I know.
ME: What did you do this summer?
JOHN: Stuff. I took a class
ME: Did you meet anyone at the class?
JOHN: No, I pretty much cocooned myself.
ME: What do you mean?
JOHN: I mean, you so royally fucked with my self-esteem that I figured that I shouldnt stick my neck out again.
ME: Are you trying to make me feel worse? Because I already feel like shit.
JOHN: Yeah, whatever.
ME: Are we ever going to be friends again?
JOHN: Hmmm. It will never be the same. You messed up too badly.
ME: Well I still am very sorry.
(awkward silence)
ME: I got my eyebrow pierced over the summer, but I yanked it out last week.
JOHN: I have no respect for people who put things in their faces.
ME: Sara [a science teacher who is about our age] has her tongue pierced.
JOHN: Yeah, like I said. I dont much respect her either.
(awkward silence)
JOHN: Well Im going to go. College football is on all weekend and Im psyched.
ME: Okay.
JOHN: You know, you really fucked up. You passed over the best thing that could have happened to you. I think you have some serious issues and need to get your priorities straight.
ME: (not knowing what to say in response to that) Yeah.
(leaves)
So now I feel like crap, and I know I deserve it. I dont wish I had pursued the relationship with John; not at all. But I wish I had handled it differently.
Im writing this to get this off my chest. I dont want a its okay or dont worry about it placation; I guess I just felt the need to purge these unclean feelings I am having under my skin. Perhaps its my act of contrition for being so slimy.
VIEW 11 of 11 COMMENTS
Didn't he hear you say you didn't want a boyfriend? Okay, maybe the motor behind his drive was fueled by the "want what you can't have" gas (which, ironically enough, is still costlier than the shit we're paying this week), but he's the dickhead who could shift his foot from accelerator to brake, or steer away, rather than driving off a cliff, thinking there's a safety barrier or parking lot there (you) that'll prevent him from doing so. Therapy my ass -- JOHN-BOY, YOU WENT CUZ THERE WASN'T ANY FOOTBALL ON TV, YOU SELF-CENTERED PRICK!!!
Honestly, I don't even know that you did much wrong, other than nip it enough in the bud, which we're all prone to do anyway because we never want to be harsher on a person than we need to. Granted, the blow-off wasn't the caliber of emotional strategy that Gen. Patton or Dr. Phil would have signed off on, but dude, read the clue, it's not like you need a cereal decoder ring for it. He shoulda gotten it on the first bounce yo.
Although I gotta admit, it is kinda funny to read all this and then remember that you're teachers, not students. "I had a crush on him, but he had a girlfriend, then he started kissing me when nobody was looking, so I cornered him near the history books. . . "