What good is a poker face
When youve got an open hand?
I was supposed to be cool about this,
Yeah I remember cool was the plan;
I tried to keep it all under wraps, but the wraps kept going slack
I keep turning round, I keep coming back
Give me your vertical, your horizontal line
I want to take each of them and bend them to mine;
The world is too good for me:
I am such a naughty girl
But when we're together, we're too good for this world
-Ani DiFranco, Worthy
Get ready for a lithium rant, folks. I went to my parents house for linner (that big dinner-like meal but at lunchtime) for my grandfathers birthday today. I walked out of there feeling so exhausted and worn that when I stopped to buy coffee at the supermarket on the way home, I almost started crying in the aisle. Well, it could have been the visit or the fact that some annoying lady took the last bottle of Carnation Peppermint-Mocha (limited edition!) liquid creamer from right under my nose. In any case, here are the highlights from the family gathering. My 29-year old sister, Sarah, was in particular rare form today; her being the poster child for why squishy sibling-love movies like In Her Shoes are a load of crap. However, I have come to the realization that my three grandparents, my mothers parents and my fathers mother (previously mentioned in journal entries as the one I eat pizza with), are some of the funniest freakin people I have in my life. Otherwise, my family encounters are beginning to resemble a cross between an 80s sitcom and a bad Lifetime movie more and more.
Setting: The dinner table
MOM: Are you going to have some squash?
ME: No, Mom. I dont like squash. Thanks.
MOM: Have some squash. Its good for you.
ME: I dont want any squash.
MOM: Eat some!
ME: No, I dont like squash and life is too short for me to force myself to eat it.
SARAH: (scooping a big hunk of squash on her plate) Well, I dont like squash, but I am having some anyway.
ME: (makes kissing noise at her) well good for you
MOM: You know, a man at my work grew this squash.
ME: (thinks) I dont care if JESUS CHRIST HIMSELF grew this fucking squash, I AM NOT HAVING ANY. Mom, let it go.
DAD: (looks at my plate) Youre not having any squash?
I decided not to voice my comment on the squash grower as my grandfather is very Catholic. Also, his sister died this week and he has to go to the wake tonight. His wife, my grandmother, had a stroke 7 years ago, so she gets very tired easily and occasionally speaks about imaginary incidences, so over dinner my mother and my grandfather were debating what the plan regarding her would be that night.
MOM: Okay, now Michael (her brother) is going to pick you up and bring you home, Ma. So you can take a nap and you wont have to sit there and be tired.
GRANDMOTHER: Ill just find someone interesting to talk to.
MOM: No, Michael is coming for you so you can sleep. Theres no place for you to lay down there.
GRANDFATHER: Maybe she can go into one of the other rooms and climb into an abandoned casket.
DAD: Yeah, they always have empty ones lying around.
GRANDFATHER: (to my grandmother) You go and take a nap in a casket and maybe someone will mistake you for being one of the wakes and leave us a donation or two.
MOM: Michael is coming for her!
On a side note, I have decided to sell my wedding dress and veil on E-Bay. However, for some unknown reason, it appears my ex took our wedding album when we split. So, I had asked my father to try to dig up some photos from me to use on the site description. After dinner, he produced a handful of pictures and promised hed keep looking for more. Sarah grabbed the pictures and began flipping through them.
SARAH: You were beautiful back then.
ME: Hmmm thanks. It was only 7 years ago.
SARAH: Well, I mean, you cut your hair.
ME: Its growing out!
SARAH: Yeah, well (makes smirk)
DAD: (to me) Its nice to have you here for dinner. You need to eat decent food.
ME: I eat plenty at home.
SARAH: You had nothing in the fridge last weekend. I saw.
ME: I didnt have KETCHUP!
SARAH: I mean, it was just sad.
DAD: And try to get some sleep, would you?
ME: What?
DAD: You dont look so good.
SARAH: (looking back at pictures) You were much thinner here too.
DAD: So, when are you going to bring this guy you are dating around to meet us?
ME: ARE YOU NUTS???!!!
GRANDFATHER: I like your hair today. It looks very shiny.
ME: Thank you, Pepere.
DAD: So does this guy know about your hair?
ME: What about my hair?
SARAH: Well, its pretty obvious you bleached it. You have big white streaks in the front.
GRANDMOTHER (pizza gal): You know, I had auburn hair when I was your age. And when your father was born, his hair was red red red! My brother asked where he got his red hair, and I told him, The milk man! To hell with him!
GRANDFATHER: I dont care what color my hair would be. It would just be nice to have some! (smile, wink)
GRANDMOTHER (recovered from stroke): Do you remember that horse?
MOM: (shrugs her shoulders at us) No one had a horse, Ma.
You know, when I was in 11th grade, my English teacher told me I had a gift for writing fictional dialogue. I now realize I could only do it because I had this kind of REAL dialogue ringing in my ears after every family event.
Oh, and one last thing. My parents have decided to hold the family Christmas party at their house this year. I have cousins (ages 21, 23, and 25) who live in Maine, and last year they stayed at my sisters apartment. Somehow its been decided that MY apartment is the family flop-house for the week of Christmas, unbeknownst to me. My cousins are really cool people, but I am not pleased to have been nominated the official host nor am I a willing participant in this endeavor. As a matter of fact, its just the icing on the cake of this exhausting day.
I should have bludgeoned that woman who took the last bottle of my creamer. Bitch.
When youve got an open hand?
I was supposed to be cool about this,
Yeah I remember cool was the plan;
I tried to keep it all under wraps, but the wraps kept going slack
I keep turning round, I keep coming back
Give me your vertical, your horizontal line
I want to take each of them and bend them to mine;
The world is too good for me:
I am such a naughty girl
But when we're together, we're too good for this world
-Ani DiFranco, Worthy
Get ready for a lithium rant, folks. I went to my parents house for linner (that big dinner-like meal but at lunchtime) for my grandfathers birthday today. I walked out of there feeling so exhausted and worn that when I stopped to buy coffee at the supermarket on the way home, I almost started crying in the aisle. Well, it could have been the visit or the fact that some annoying lady took the last bottle of Carnation Peppermint-Mocha (limited edition!) liquid creamer from right under my nose. In any case, here are the highlights from the family gathering. My 29-year old sister, Sarah, was in particular rare form today; her being the poster child for why squishy sibling-love movies like In Her Shoes are a load of crap. However, I have come to the realization that my three grandparents, my mothers parents and my fathers mother (previously mentioned in journal entries as the one I eat pizza with), are some of the funniest freakin people I have in my life. Otherwise, my family encounters are beginning to resemble a cross between an 80s sitcom and a bad Lifetime movie more and more.
Setting: The dinner table
MOM: Are you going to have some squash?
ME: No, Mom. I dont like squash. Thanks.
MOM: Have some squash. Its good for you.
ME: I dont want any squash.
MOM: Eat some!
ME: No, I dont like squash and life is too short for me to force myself to eat it.
SARAH: (scooping a big hunk of squash on her plate) Well, I dont like squash, but I am having some anyway.
ME: (makes kissing noise at her) well good for you
MOM: You know, a man at my work grew this squash.
ME: (thinks) I dont care if JESUS CHRIST HIMSELF grew this fucking squash, I AM NOT HAVING ANY. Mom, let it go.
DAD: (looks at my plate) Youre not having any squash?
I decided not to voice my comment on the squash grower as my grandfather is very Catholic. Also, his sister died this week and he has to go to the wake tonight. His wife, my grandmother, had a stroke 7 years ago, so she gets very tired easily and occasionally speaks about imaginary incidences, so over dinner my mother and my grandfather were debating what the plan regarding her would be that night.
MOM: Okay, now Michael (her brother) is going to pick you up and bring you home, Ma. So you can take a nap and you wont have to sit there and be tired.
GRANDMOTHER: Ill just find someone interesting to talk to.
MOM: No, Michael is coming for you so you can sleep. Theres no place for you to lay down there.
GRANDFATHER: Maybe she can go into one of the other rooms and climb into an abandoned casket.
DAD: Yeah, they always have empty ones lying around.
GRANDFATHER: (to my grandmother) You go and take a nap in a casket and maybe someone will mistake you for being one of the wakes and leave us a donation or two.
MOM: Michael is coming for her!
On a side note, I have decided to sell my wedding dress and veil on E-Bay. However, for some unknown reason, it appears my ex took our wedding album when we split. So, I had asked my father to try to dig up some photos from me to use on the site description. After dinner, he produced a handful of pictures and promised hed keep looking for more. Sarah grabbed the pictures and began flipping through them.
SARAH: You were beautiful back then.
ME: Hmmm thanks. It was only 7 years ago.
SARAH: Well, I mean, you cut your hair.
ME: Its growing out!
SARAH: Yeah, well (makes smirk)
DAD: (to me) Its nice to have you here for dinner. You need to eat decent food.
ME: I eat plenty at home.
SARAH: You had nothing in the fridge last weekend. I saw.
ME: I didnt have KETCHUP!
SARAH: I mean, it was just sad.
DAD: And try to get some sleep, would you?
ME: What?
DAD: You dont look so good.
SARAH: (looking back at pictures) You were much thinner here too.
DAD: So, when are you going to bring this guy you are dating around to meet us?
ME: ARE YOU NUTS???!!!
GRANDFATHER: I like your hair today. It looks very shiny.
ME: Thank you, Pepere.
DAD: So does this guy know about your hair?
ME: What about my hair?
SARAH: Well, its pretty obvious you bleached it. You have big white streaks in the front.
GRANDMOTHER (pizza gal): You know, I had auburn hair when I was your age. And when your father was born, his hair was red red red! My brother asked where he got his red hair, and I told him, The milk man! To hell with him!
GRANDFATHER: I dont care what color my hair would be. It would just be nice to have some! (smile, wink)
GRANDMOTHER (recovered from stroke): Do you remember that horse?
MOM: (shrugs her shoulders at us) No one had a horse, Ma.
You know, when I was in 11th grade, my English teacher told me I had a gift for writing fictional dialogue. I now realize I could only do it because I had this kind of REAL dialogue ringing in my ears after every family event.
Oh, and one last thing. My parents have decided to hold the family Christmas party at their house this year. I have cousins (ages 21, 23, and 25) who live in Maine, and last year they stayed at my sisters apartment. Somehow its been decided that MY apartment is the family flop-house for the week of Christmas, unbeknownst to me. My cousins are really cool people, but I am not pleased to have been nominated the official host nor am I a willing participant in this endeavor. As a matter of fact, its just the icing on the cake of this exhausting day.
I should have bludgeoned that woman who took the last bottle of my creamer. Bitch.
VIEW 12 of 12 COMMENTS
I do know how the dinner conversation can turn into an exorcise that the most gifted satirists couldn't come up with, so i feel ya...
And when your cousins visit, you are more than welcome to sleep at my place. But i expect some cuddling, and maybe even petting. I mean, fair is fair.
Sorry i'm just now getting back to you. And yes, my mom WOULD be pissed if she found out that we used birth control. Just for kicks, we should skip on that the next time, just to give my mom HOPE of grandchildren...