Concession Speech
My fellow Americans, the people of this nation have spoken, and spoken with
a clear voice. So I am here to offer my concession. [Boos, groans, rending of
garments]
I concede that I overestimated the intelligence of the American people.
Though the people disagree with the President on almost every issue, you saw fit
to vote for him. I never saw that coming. That's really special. And I mean
"special" in the sense that we use it to describe those kids who ride the short
school bus and find ways to injure themselves while eating pudding with rubber
spoons. That kind of special.
I concede that I misjudged the power of hate. That's pretty powerful stuff,
and I didn't see it. So let me take a moment to congratulate the President's
strategists: Putting the gay marriage amendments on the ballot in various swing
states like Ohio... well, that was just genius. Genius. It got people, a
certain kind of people, to the polls. The unprecedented number of folks who
showed up and cited "moral values" as their biggest issue, those people changed
history. The folks who consider same sex marriage a more important issue than
war, or terrorism, or the economy... Who'd have thought the election would belong to them? Well, Karl Rove did. Gotta give it up to him for that. [Boos.] Now,
now. Credit where it's due.
I concede that I put too much faith in America's youth. With 8 out of 10 of
you opposing the President, with your friends and classmates dying daily in a
war you disapprove of, with your future being mortgaged to pay for rich old
peoples' tax breaks, you somehow managed to sit on your asses and watch the
Cartoon Network while aging homophobic hillbillies carried the day. You voted
with the exact same anemic percentage that you did in 2000. You suck. Seriously, y'do. [Cheers, applause] Thank you. Thank you very much.
There are some who would say that I sound bitter, that now is the time for
healing, to bring the nation together. Let me tell you a little story. Last
night, I watched the returns come in with some friends here in Los Angeles. As
the night progressed, people began to talk half-seriously about secession, a red
state / blue state split. The reasoning was this: We in blue states produce
the vast majority of the wealth in this country and pay the most taxes, and you
in the red states receive the majority of the money from those taxes while
complaining about 'em. We in the blue states are the only ones who've been
attacked by foreign terrorists, yet you in the red states are gung ho to fight a
war in our name. We in the blue states produce the entertainment that you
consume so greedily each day, while you in the red states show open disdain for
us and our values. Blue state civilians are the actual victims and targets of the
war on terror, while red state civilians are the ones standing behind us and
yelling "Oh, yeah!? Bring it on!"
More than 40% of you Bush voters still believe that Saddam Hussein had
something to do with 9/11. I'm impressed by that, truly I am. Your sons and
daughters who might die in this war know it's not true, the people in the urban
centers where al Qaeda wants to attack know it's not true, but those of you who
are at practically no risk believe this easy lie because you can. As part of my
concession speech, let me say that I really envy that luxury. I concede that.
Healing? We, the people at risk from terrorists, the people who subsidize
you, the people who speak in glowing and respectful terms about the heartland of
America while that heartland insults and excoriates us... we wanted some
healing. We spoke loud and clear. And you refused to give it to us, largely
because of your high moral values. You knew better: America doesn't need its
allies, doesn't need to share the burden, doesn't need to unite the world, doesn't
need to provide for its future. Hell no. Not when it's got a human shield of
pointy-headed, atheistic, unconfrontational breadwinners who are willing to pay
the bills and play nice in the vain hope of winning a vote that we can never
have. Because we're "morally inferior," I suppose, we are supposed to respect
your values while you insult ours. And the big joke here is that for 20 years,
we've done just that.
It's not a "ha-ha" funny joke, I realize, but it's a joke all the same.
Being an independent candidate gives me one luxury - as well as conceding
the election today, I am also announcing my candidacy for President in 2008.
[Wild applause, screams] Thank you.
And I make this pledge to you today: THIS time, next time, there will be no
pandering. This time I will run with all the open and joking contempt for my
opponents that our President demonstrated towards the cradle of liberty, the
Ivy League intellectuals, the "media elite," and the "white-wine sippers." This
time I will not pretend that the simple folk of America know just as much as
the people who devote their lives to serving and studying the nation and the
world. They don't.
So that's why I'm asking for your vote in 2008, America. I'm talking to you,
you ignorant, slack-jawed yokels, you bible-thumping, inbred drones, you
redneck, racist, chest-thumping, perennially duped grade-school grads. Vote for
me, because I know better, and I truly believe that I can help your smug, sorry
asses. Thank you, and may God, if he does in fact exist,
bless each and every one of you.
My fellow Americans, the people of this nation have spoken, and spoken with
a clear voice. So I am here to offer my concession. [Boos, groans, rending of
garments]
I concede that I overestimated the intelligence of the American people.
Though the people disagree with the President on almost every issue, you saw fit
to vote for him. I never saw that coming. That's really special. And I mean
"special" in the sense that we use it to describe those kids who ride the short
school bus and find ways to injure themselves while eating pudding with rubber
spoons. That kind of special.
I concede that I misjudged the power of hate. That's pretty powerful stuff,
and I didn't see it. So let me take a moment to congratulate the President's
strategists: Putting the gay marriage amendments on the ballot in various swing
states like Ohio... well, that was just genius. Genius. It got people, a
certain kind of people, to the polls. The unprecedented number of folks who
showed up and cited "moral values" as their biggest issue, those people changed
history. The folks who consider same sex marriage a more important issue than
war, or terrorism, or the economy... Who'd have thought the election would belong to them? Well, Karl Rove did. Gotta give it up to him for that. [Boos.] Now,
now. Credit where it's due.
I concede that I put too much faith in America's youth. With 8 out of 10 of
you opposing the President, with your friends and classmates dying daily in a
war you disapprove of, with your future being mortgaged to pay for rich old
peoples' tax breaks, you somehow managed to sit on your asses and watch the
Cartoon Network while aging homophobic hillbillies carried the day. You voted
with the exact same anemic percentage that you did in 2000. You suck. Seriously, y'do. [Cheers, applause] Thank you. Thank you very much.
There are some who would say that I sound bitter, that now is the time for
healing, to bring the nation together. Let me tell you a little story. Last
night, I watched the returns come in with some friends here in Los Angeles. As
the night progressed, people began to talk half-seriously about secession, a red
state / blue state split. The reasoning was this: We in blue states produce
the vast majority of the wealth in this country and pay the most taxes, and you
in the red states receive the majority of the money from those taxes while
complaining about 'em. We in the blue states are the only ones who've been
attacked by foreign terrorists, yet you in the red states are gung ho to fight a
war in our name. We in the blue states produce the entertainment that you
consume so greedily each day, while you in the red states show open disdain for
us and our values. Blue state civilians are the actual victims and targets of the
war on terror, while red state civilians are the ones standing behind us and
yelling "Oh, yeah!? Bring it on!"
More than 40% of you Bush voters still believe that Saddam Hussein had
something to do with 9/11. I'm impressed by that, truly I am. Your sons and
daughters who might die in this war know it's not true, the people in the urban
centers where al Qaeda wants to attack know it's not true, but those of you who
are at practically no risk believe this easy lie because you can. As part of my
concession speech, let me say that I really envy that luxury. I concede that.
Healing? We, the people at risk from terrorists, the people who subsidize
you, the people who speak in glowing and respectful terms about the heartland of
America while that heartland insults and excoriates us... we wanted some
healing. We spoke loud and clear. And you refused to give it to us, largely
because of your high moral values. You knew better: America doesn't need its
allies, doesn't need to share the burden, doesn't need to unite the world, doesn't
need to provide for its future. Hell no. Not when it's got a human shield of
pointy-headed, atheistic, unconfrontational breadwinners who are willing to pay
the bills and play nice in the vain hope of winning a vote that we can never
have. Because we're "morally inferior," I suppose, we are supposed to respect
your values while you insult ours. And the big joke here is that for 20 years,
we've done just that.
It's not a "ha-ha" funny joke, I realize, but it's a joke all the same.
Being an independent candidate gives me one luxury - as well as conceding
the election today, I am also announcing my candidacy for President in 2008.
[Wild applause, screams] Thank you.
And I make this pledge to you today: THIS time, next time, there will be no
pandering. This time I will run with all the open and joking contempt for my
opponents that our President demonstrated towards the cradle of liberty, the
Ivy League intellectuals, the "media elite," and the "white-wine sippers." This
time I will not pretend that the simple folk of America know just as much as
the people who devote their lives to serving and studying the nation and the
world. They don't.
So that's why I'm asking for your vote in 2008, America. I'm talking to you,
you ignorant, slack-jawed yokels, you bible-thumping, inbred drones, you
redneck, racist, chest-thumping, perennially duped grade-school grads. Vote for
me, because I know better, and I truly believe that I can help your smug, sorry
asses. Thank you, and may God, if he does in fact exist,
bless each and every one of you.
VIEW 5 of 5 COMMENTS
the rest of my family moved from Atlanta to Minneapolis while I was in college. my younger sisters benefitted from the vastly improved public school system offered there. to this day, the MN vs. GA public schools are what I use as an example when debating states rights or Libertarians. that sort of disparity shouldnt exist within the same country.
so please, dont forget about us poor souls stuck in our red states. i worked very hard this election to make it go another way.
of course i'm also trying to move out of this hick town.