templeoflight

To save searching through my other journals, ive taken out the shit and left the guts.
piece me together if you dare

slipping knot

their smiles were large and their teeth sharp and white
she said they had a picket fence smile
their tears were dry from the dust in their eyes
but she cried and she cried like a child

their lush green lawn had blades so sharp
but she ran and she played like a child
and while her feet tore open from the daggers of grass
she could see their picket fence smile

they made noises of laughter under the moon
she tries to block it out but it fills
she tries to beat it out of her head
but the picket fence smile she sees still

she screams that she's happy so they laugh even more
as the night becomes day feel the sun
and she cries as it dawns her thoughts of acceptance
the ones who understand are no one.

they smile all around her their picket fence teeth
like clowns with shadows in their eyes
and they laugh while she cries and wipes blood from her cheak
trying to sever all ties
with the burning fire from her eyes.
***********

bracing yourself as the waves of curviture
roll and roll and roll you in:
where 'in' is an expression of being;
being completly and utterly, for lack of a better word, out.
out of skin
but skin deep within - and agian, the 'in' is being so out
so fully without
without the romance within the soul dance
you look up and find
you're skin deep in underpants
how they bend
'they' are legs
how they roll
'they' are eyes
how they stretch
'they' are fingers
how i notice
'i' am breathless; within the confines of no breath; without breath,
but
still
with
lungs
ever buzzing
for
'they' are bending, rolling, stretching
and i
i
am
with-out
*********

so here i am sitting fresh and spoken five
looking at the suicide girls and wishing i lived
in another world
stuffing is a ripe word for the spacelessness
my feelings crave
but i
am here
never fear
enter rat killer
rodent bane
slayer of all those foul and small headed
turning down boys cos i dont eat meat
listening to toys rattle at my ankles
and pulling the strings that lead into the underworld
my wishing unknown and wants unseen
i'm tired of being so afraid of what it is that i refuse to be doing
but am so obsessed with what might happen if i do let go
and be myself
rat killer
rodent bane
slayer of all things foul and small headed
behold thee
enter failure
throw the rice
THROW THE FUCKING RICE BITCH
I'LL ENTER YOU WITH SUCH FORCE THAT..
that was unexpected
ignor that
that's just the ice melting
as winter doesnt really exist
unless you have a stinking summer
and those two in between that dont really count
cos you live in australia and all we have here is hot and not so hot
these people at work were talking about suecide and those
who come to kill themselves and talking about how they could never
do it and how terrible things must be for that to get like that
and all i could do was try not to tell them how easy it was to try
but ultimatly hard to exicute
no matter what the packet says
you can actually take lots and lots of pills
cos handfulls dont kill you
they just make you sick.

i am ready to die now
i am ready to die now
i am ready to die now

dont start cutting
dont start cutting
dont start cutting yourself again
dont start cutting yourself again
dont dont dont start cutting
********

.. of a story

it's about s and also r
he was always so frail
and she knew it better than anyone
she did try to be strong
being the strong one while wanting to be looked after was hard for her
but she did try
does try
what they bought was a house
what they got where walls
what they tried was renovation
what they did was put up more walls

somewhere they lay a turtle
it lay on its back lost in thought
for to feel less than the expected amount
of feeling it found it best to be lost, in thought,
for physically.. it knew exactly where it was

once lived on, can no longer be taken down
as a result she sought refuge in places unknown to her
but known all to well by her mindless thoughts
in all fairness she tried not to think
which is why it was seen as such a catch 22
and it made him wonder about fate and god
straws of varying length and dice
found it frustrating looking for an answer
he didnt know the question to

the young boy watched and aimed
wanted to let go but didnt want the scene before him to stop
what does one do when one knows there is nothing said one can do?
and suddenly 'doing' became less important to the boy
'being' became more sensible when there was little to do
it still didnt stop him letting go of the arrow tho

i wish to pay no more they asked in unison
stated as a statement and intended to be a question
knowing that some things are so priceless that once you use them
you never stop paying for it. childhood being an adequate example
being so priceless that once someone uses it
they never stop paying.

he tried to explain but just found he was repeating himself
his uncle hung the shell on the wall and his grandmother showed him how to use the fire
they ate well and prayed in silence
thankful for being given the gift of being
missing the irony of what they had taken

up getting married some years later
each looking for something better but unable to obtain it
neither happy nor unhappy
the word happy didnt enter into the existence they knew
with or without a prefix
it just didnt happen

*******

things i dont like

you. yes you you fucking dead shit.
dislike how you blame me
for you
fucking up
your lack of understanding is
not
my
fault is yours
but you
yes you
you fucking deadshit
i hate how you blame
me for your
lack
gap
space
hate
you yes you
you fucking retard
the conversation flows better
when you're not
in
it
the ignorance clears when
you
dont bring it
sometimes
i
wish
you
would wake the hell up
yes
you have been through a lot
yes
you make sure we all know it
yes
you dont care about it
until
you are feeling defeated
we
dont have that scapegoat
we
dont dwell
like
you
you fucktard
goddamn childish letter
with a microphone screaming
all of your stupidity
we
all listen and sit
thinking
yes
you've been through hell
yes
you brought it upon yourself
yes
we all know how he did this they did that
yes
she wasnt good for you
yes
she didnt care for you
yes
they royally fucked you hard
but
you
were the one who stripped down tight
and
lathered the honey
and danced in their light
and
sat in their laps
and put their dicks in your mouth
and
you
were the one
who cried
yes cried
when they came in your mouth
we listen and
yes
you've been through your hell
yes
we didnt ask but let you tell
yes
you dress to fit the part
yes
we shake our heads because we see
the root of all your stupidity
is
you
yes
you
we listen but
do you?

*******

caught in barbed wire

time and rhyme where everything's mine
where dragons form from you neck
all figures of trophies like diggers and goatees
breathe their way through the wreck

fires burn tires acquired from wire
a motorbike on top of your bookcase
flies rubber wheel trolley through mouse's tail lollie
but you never wanted it anyways

"yebbo" screams shadow flat wall will now fall
while a basket sits filled with no profit
as the rumbling stills and the bleeding lung fills
the explosion from my chest screams "stop it"

but it spikes wheel bikes a tree inside me
infected needles of pine
caught in the fought of wire desire
trapped is my mind out of time

i can climb while you whine, and i run from you gun
because mine's not seeing like i see
your knot is too hot so rabbit sees habit
of the dethroning wishbone of me

curly hair evil stare while you tear what i wear
and my speech out of reach push through
i can hide in the tide but the music's too wide
I'm a pawn with a thorn to you
*******

i dont shine
broken white lines on a night filled road
the promiscuous letterhead and harshness of silk
once upon sunshine nightfall was crying
of the names that were called these acts forbode
ten times the glare of a flicked coin at lunchtime
'nevertheless' he said, more or less
and unless you can find more folds for my elbow
you can deal with the crying of the sun that wont shine

i dont shine.


**********

a moment
the stomach lies franticly still, her moonlight eyes blink like lightning as the empty little stomach tries to suck on the cement in hope of finding something of nutritional value. she blinks again. each flash sends a jolt through the motionless stomach. again. again. cement goodness again. again. fresh tyre marks make for essential oils and vital rubbers. but it cant yet grumble. the simple act of expressing hunger noises takes up more fuel than the tank holds. fresh tracks. motionless. moonbeams flash again. again. empty little engine motionless. fireless. iris. wider. closer. lashes tremble in slow motion. crashing slowly down for another moonlight lightening strike. jolts. again. again. shivers run up the stomachs cold emotionless lining. the tracks were fresh. fresh. the ringing begins. slowly. snowballing into continuious ringing. the high pitched vocals of slow motion laughter "ha" and again "ha" moonlight lightning cracks again. again. the tracks were fresh. "ha" ringing. "ha" moonlight lightning crashes down again...black.

*********

its funny dont you think?
the things out of reach
and when you tell someone else
they pull back a little
so you cant reach them either
its curious i find
that the way people help
is to mimic the pain
that is cutting your hands apart
its kind of cute
dont you think?
seeing me being broken
and the way you help
is to break a little bit yourself
not of but more of
myself
i am glad to be alive enough
to know what is happening
even if i knew it was happening
before it did
i wonder how much stronger this will get

******

lonely and lost
i am dressed comfortably
i am bleeding and tired
and very awake
i have all i need
2 arms and 2 legs
with tools of efficiency
everywhere i look
i am ready to start
my new life alone
in the sun i lie down
on the dusty warm road
and i look along it
and i see how it crashes into the sky
and i see behind me
the cliff that makes me feel real
the reason im here
is to just be here
lying down
i cant be touched
or spoken to
i am too perfect here
alone
and tired
awake as can be
i lie with one arm dangling over the cliff
and i feel
i am
at home
****

shopping adventures
i went to buy a belt for my pants
thought i should get socks with those
so i went and tried some around my waist
(belts that is)
found a nice one
white
red dots and purple crosses
pretty i thought
so i went for socks to match
i said to the girl
do you have socks that might match this belt?
she stared at me
no this belt i said as i brough up the belt to her eye level
she smiled and said socks?
socks i says i said socks
she tried to hide a giggle and pointed me to some socks
i went to look at the socks and she followed
how long have you worked in the belt sock matching department i asked
im actually a check out chick she said
i find that term derogatory dont use it i said
she smiled and asked what?
i picked up some socks and told her that her service was ok
but these will not do
i can not buy this belt unless i have socks to match
she said there was a shop on the other side of the complex that had socks
she offered to show me where it was
id like to show you she said
i laughed at her and told her
no fucking way
coal heart diamond mask bitch
ill do without thank you
turn and leave and not look back
remembering i had the belt in my hand
had to go back and face her shocked... face
handed her the belt
looked her in the eye
blinked twice
walked away

*****