templeoflight

i hate it when people complain
so i dont talk
i sit in silence
but the silence inevitably leads to questions as to the origins of silence
so silence turns to avoidance
i am sad
sad that i have a list of exceptions for me
and sad that now i have to add more
i have a deserted island fantasy that never sees my imagination fully realise it
i watch lost at night and love the idea of my plane crashing
and being stuck on an island
but reality always reminds me
even if i did survive the crash
i'd be dead in a week
and the last 5-6 days of that week
i wouldnt be able to move
the knowledge that if i ever found myself lost
it wouldnt matter how smart i was
it wouldnt matter how resorsful i was
not matter how strong or fast i was
my body would cut me down in a matter of hours
so i have my bag
i cling to it
i cant even imagine what my life would be
without my bag
i will never be able to put on some pants and go for a walk
i will always have to plan on being back by time x
or take x ammount of x before i leave

and now
i have one more thing i cant just do
one more thing i need to check

no matter how smart i am
or how many variables i can think of
i will never escape the confines of my over active immune system
and i wonder what it will attack next
so i wonder what the point is
if my own body hates itself so much it destroys things that are supposed to keep me healthy
its like i have the opposite of HIV
the human immunodeficiency virus
my immune system never protects me against sickness
it just does its best to make me sick
by killing things that make me live

i just can see the point if all i am doesn't matter enough to make that difference in myself