tegan

my week in san francisco was amazing. it made me remember why i love it up there so much. it reminds me alot of toronto... and the not needing a car thing up there is kind of nice. holly and i rode our bikes around one day while i took polaroids of all the things i liked up there... i did the tourist thing on my... um, 8th visit? went to almost all the bars i used to go to when i lived there. the only thing that's changed about them is the people in them don't seem to drink as much as they used to. granted there are a few people who were still knocking them down... (daggers) but quite a few people were into this new 'going home early' thing... stupid. im sure next time (which may or may not be in 3 weeks) lil_tuffy will be more prepared.

stuckinthetrunk's beard was quite impressive... oh how italian he really is. i think worn with the prom shorts, the creep factor probably would of gone through the roof but the handle bar's did a pretty good job.

i have a bunch of digital and polaroid pictures but i dont have a scanner and i don't have photoshop to resize them... so what can you do.

i worked yesterday early shift then came home and took a nap. bartended at the acme store last night... it was the easiest 53$ i've ever made.

i was supposed to work today but somehow i slept though my alarm and woke up 45 minutes late. im paranoid that i'm going to loose my job... i don't want to loose my job. i feel like an ass anyway and probably will all day knowing that i'm supposed to be working. the boss said he'd see me when i got back from canada.

i'm taking little lowered acura in for a cleaning today, shit's going to get detailed, those platnum rim's are going to shine baby.

carlos comes home on tuesday. pick her up from the airport at 11:09am. we have one day together before i have to go to canada for my aunts wedding.

stupid plane tickets are so damn expensive these days... 419$ to toronto in august and 512$ in december. i don't know how i'm going to afford going home for christmas...

sometimes i miss flittering about the country. i feel like i've been in one place too long and i'm loosing my spontenaety (sp?). i wish that someone would just propose a world wide adventure for an undertermind amount of time... that would be fun.

i may or may not marry a jew. we're going to find a bagpipe player that will wear a yarmulka and get married in new orleans. i'm going to buy him a hamper and he's going to buy me a hooker... my mother will fly down. lovely.



alright, starting today...

xo.
t.

edit::

i want to go to europe. i feel like i'm the only person who would just pack my shit and go tomorrow if someone asked me... why don't any of my friends just call me up and say 'hey, let's go to europe next week... i don't know how we're going to eat when we get there or where we're going to stay but its going to be fucking fun.' alot of my friends say that they are like that but i have yet to see any proof of this. just a bunch of shit talkers i tell you.

if i had someone to go with or some sort of awesome motivation i would just go. tomorrow.

I FEEL SO FUCKING CONFINED.

lots of wierd thoughts going through my head today.

i wrote a whole bunch on my drive home from s.f maybe i'll post it later which would make this the longest journal entry i've ever had in the 2 years i've been on suicidegirls.

edit::

ok, so here it is... this is what i wrote while i was in the back of a car driving down the I-5 on my way back to los angeles...

so many hours wasted driving.

different colors but no two ever stand out together. right now, its yellow. the armpit of california. 294 miles away from los angeles on the 'infamous' 5 freeway that takes you all up and down the west coast.

the people i'm sharing the car with this time are lovely. ****** and ***. they work together in san francisco, they are going to a show tonight at the knitting factory then driving back up to san francisco tomorrow, they're both wearing black and they both love vicodin as much as i do. that's all i know about them. they're nothing like the woman who was driving to see her 17 year old daughter at boarding school. the woman who worked 2 jobs and did nothing but watch reality t.v and talk about her daughter. she talked to me for the entire 5 1/2 drive about reality television. she felt as if she really knew the people in the shows, she knew their lives. if i remember correctly 'the surreal world' was one of her favorites... she also introduced me to 'nanny 911'. her name was *****.

***** was one of my favorites. she picked me up in oakland in her mini-van that was jam packed full of things from a ladder to her cat. her and her new husband we're having a 'long distance relationship' until she fixed her house up in L.A. He lived in berkely. she had attention deficit disorder which permitted us from listening to too much music because 'she already had a lot going on in her brain and music just made it all that much more confusing'. i wish i could remember her cat's name. she asked me about myself so i told her little things... one of them was that i'd done a burlesque tour so instantly that was the topic of conversation for almost the entire ride home. she told me about this museum that she likes to go to in the desert. it's a house that's owned by an old woman who used to dance burlesque 'in her day'. she also had me call her friend in arizona and talk to him about burlesque dancing. not even an hour away from san francisco we ran over something that had popped her tire. did i mention she was pregnant? we had to wait an hour and a half on the side of the 5 waiting for someone to help change the tire because i had NO idea what i was doing and she could only do so much being 6 months pregnant. she did try though, real hands on kind of woman. she enjoys building things, burning man and talk radio.

***** lacked something that we usually call a personality. i'm sure me being completely exhausted didn't help in the 'lets have an interesting conversation' department but, you'd think that on a 5 1/2 drive two people would end up saying more than 7 words to each other. he did let me smoke in his car, that was nice. i'm not sure what he enjoys.

i've done this drive so many times now that it seems like nothing to me anymore. i remember being a kid and driving the 2 hours from toronto to wasaga beach with my grandparents. it was like hell. sitting in the back of my grandparents sundance for 2 hours being about 11 or 12... it was like god was punishing me. now that i think about it, they did let me listen to my 'strange slow rap music' (a.k.a R&B) which was awfully nice of them. my grandma also let me sit in the front seat a lot of the time so that i could control the radio... that ended when her back got worse and she got shorter.

the longest drive that i've had yet was from denver, colorado to seattle, washington. the drive was about 20 hours long and it was split up into 2 days. i was stuck in a 15 passenger van with 5 other girls and 2 boys. we listened to the 'journey: greatest hits' album and smoked pot. at this point i'd already been living in this van with these people for about 2 months and was used to their presence but all of our other drives were MUCH shorter than this one. i sewed, *** played on her computer, ***** drove, **** slept, ****** played with her tamagatchi on her cell phone and ****** sat. denver was a nice place, they had a good sub shop. seattle was even nicer, we let 500 live crickets loose in the van of the band that we were traveling with. they let me smoke a cigarette in the van on that drive because i almost killed them.

telling a smoker that they cant smoke anywhere for an undecided period of time is like bestowing the worst case of clauhsterphobia on someone. it's almost like telling a person they cant breathe. sheer hell. i don't think i could ever do that to a smoker, even after i quit. i know what it feels like.

usually i'm pretty good with being able to sleep an entire ride. if we're driving for 5-7 hours i can usually sleep for about 4 of them which knocks off a pretty good chunk of time. if i'm flying i can usually sleep the entire flight. i can't tell if it's that flying alone (which is only how i've ever flown) is boring as fuck or if i find it peaceful and comforting in a strange way. one of my less pleasant flights was the first time i'd ever come to L.A. I was still in shock and couldn't beleive i was going so i was extremely excited. i sat next to a preacher who i had managed to not talk to for almost the entire flight... the last hour is when i blew it. usually if you appear to be sleeping or just generally grumpy on a plane people wont talk to you but as SOON as you let any sort of happiness or excitiment show your screwed. forced into conversation about 'why your in such a great mood, where are you going?, what are you doing?'... and the questions just continue until you're off the plane. i'm not a religious person at all. it's not that i don't believe in 'something' its just that i cant understand how people can only believe in one pirticular thing... none the less, this preacher man talked my ear off about god and his children. trying to vear a conversation about religion and god away from that with a preacher is almost impossible.

'so, god sent me my wife and we attend...'
'SO, got any kids?'
'oh, yes i have 3 kids, we're actually having our youngest baptised this...'
'oh, WOW, look at all those shiny lights... is that los angeles?'
'you know, god really is everywhere...'

i am all for people having their own opinions and belief's but if someone is obviously not into what you are, why press the matter? sometimes i like hearing about organized religion, i like to hear about the different ways people live their lives, what the can eat on certain day's, how to pronounce their holidays, what their 'god' did in his day but, not when i'm 19 years old and leaving my home town for the first time ever. come on dude, seriously.

now, i want to smoke. it's been about an hour since we stopped last but, i ate some vicodin for the drive and vicodin makes me want to smoke. who knows how long it will be until we stop, we have 3/4 tank of gas and we just ate. maybe i will suddenly have to pee... or 'if we don't stop right now, i'm going to shit my pants'. the karma on that one might not be too good. kind of like the little boy who cried wolf...

primary color is still yellow, hints of green here and there. our car is blue. yellow mixed with blue makes green. two primary makes one secondary. the color wheel, all that i got from art class.

i'm going to start carrying a polaroid camera with me everywhere. i remember all these people i've met and i have their faces painted in my head but i can never show anyone. the memories of these people are only for myself and sometimes i just want to share them. sometimes i want people to see what i see. polaroid camera = instant gratification... i suppose that explains why the price of polaroid film is so expensive. i need to make friends with someone that works at a photo finishing place. maybe i should get a polaroid camera too...

longest journal in all of my suicidegirls history.

this
makes quinne happy.

IMM GOING TO ITALYSLKGHJAO*^Y(#*W7!!!

edit::
i thought i wanted to change my journal but i don't.

i had an amazing day yesterday.