I am going to go to chruch with Jenny today. Its kind of strange because she hasnt really talked to me in a long time. I dont know if she is completely single but I know she aint interested in me that way. Perhaps she will have changed her mind about me (hopefully). She seems a lot more serious now than before which I am not sure is a good or bad thing.
Either way I am going to go play cards at Brads sisters house tonight. I am moving to ISU on tuesday. And I cant wait due to the fact I get to live with one of my better friends. Sonny. He is kind of a living legend to be honest and has a reputation like myself. As it stands he is a pimp simply because, well he is Sonny.
Here is proof of his pimping skills (I am very envious)....
As it stands I really want to buy a fucking IPOD. I can probably afford it but I will hold off until I know how much money I will be getting from my FA checks. As a sidenote I also will have a job so I can treat myself. I plan to save up a few thousand for a car. That is my next goal. I really need one. Just for the simple fact it will allow me to travel and give me a sense of freedom.
I am anxious to see Jenny. I really miss her and she is really something else.
I havent seen her since Thanksgiving break of 2004. My freshman year. I wanted her to go to college with me and move in with me. I wanted a relationship with her. And I should not say wanted but want. I still want her. Noone else makes me feel like living this shitty life I lead. But when I am with her I cant help but smile. I am not ashamed to say I get butterflys in my stomach when I talk to her, even over instant messages. I talked to her over the phone but it wasnt really about anything serious just logistics on how to get to her church. I am staying up all night so I dont over sleep. She will be at the 11:00 mass.
I am talking to my buddy Gene from SIU. He is a good guy, very intellectua and kind of pompous about it. He is annoying at times but he has a good heart and that is what matters. I feel bad because I kind of scorned him freshman year but he grew on me.
I want to drink some coffee but I get what I affectionately call Coffee shits from them. And I had the shits from the ice cream me and Brad went out for. I know I should not eat it but I figure its been at least a month since I had ice cream and thats the kind of shit me and Brad do. We get ice cream and watch movies. Or we cook bratwursts at 3:00 in the morning when Sonny is in town. His mom is in Orlando Florida at Disney world with Brads cousins. After she is done with that she goes to the Dominican Republic with her new boyfriend. He seems like a nice guy and she deserves to be happy. And if he breaks her heart me and Brad will roll out and put him in a fucking hole in the woods.
I have been wanting to play some Resident Evil for a few fucking days now. I actually went and hooked up my Gamecube. But I havent fucking played it. I have all of them for the Game Cube except Code Veronica. I will purchase that and then my set will be complete. Sad as it is I am considering staying in for New Years and playing Resident Evil. I love the idea.
I will have to make my own using an HK P2000 cause it is just a much sexier gun. But nontheless I am going to get a few Stars patches and an M65 field jacket. Once I have them I will have my halloween costume ready for next year.
I really want to move to Seattle. I mean its becoming my drive. I will have to get inshape and then try to head out that way for a law enforcement job. I got all the shit I need to get inshape. I got some shorts and shirts for working out for Christmas. I just need the willpower. And an IPOD.
I dont know anymore. I just have to get out of here. I cant wait to get to ISU so I am at least out of the house. I really want to get out of the Midwest. I been here for far to long. Need to spread my wings and fly a little.
I look through some of my friends on Myspace. It seems that they are all so happy. They have good jobs, a good relationship, and a life. I am stuck here in the same shithole without a decent job, a car, a girlfriend, and I feel hopeless. I am not like these people. I dont really drink much. I have 2 or 3 beers and that is my limit. I am not an asshole like some of the people I know. I wish I was. I am not and no matter how hard I try I cant do it. I dont fit in. I mean it just like it sounds. I dont fit in. I seem to find a few friends scattered here and there but the majority of people I am not very comfortable with. It seems that my life is doomed to be a lonely one. I am a loner but not necessarily by choice, at least not all of the time.
I feel like I am always outside of whatever group I am with. When I am with Sonny and Brad I feel ok but I am not as close to either of them as they are to each other. I can go hang out with Mikey and I feel ok but when I am with him and his other friends I dont feel all that comfortable. I suspect that a lot of it has to do with their age but overall when I am with Chris, Bill, Scottie, and Mikey I feel kind of ostracised. Yet I feel ok with them. I wont turn my back on my friends and they wont on me. Though me and Chris had a falling out due to his immaturity and my lack of patience with him it seems he is more mature and me more patient now.
Either way I suspect this is part of the reason I want to leave the Chicagoland area. I want to go somewhere and reinvent myself. I want to hang out with more bohemian people and have a clique of friends who I feel that I belong with. I am a real quiet person most of the time but sometimes I open up. I think I may have to face the facts and man up to the fact that I am a bipolar manic depressive. I would rather not. But a few doctors have made that diagnosis when it comes to me. I just long to feel at peace and not torn apart. I am a Libra and feel that I am off balance.
How can I settle down if I dont feel like I belong? Is that a sign I dont belong? Am I wrong for feeling that way? These things plague me when noone else is around and I dont know. All I know is that I feel a longing for something else when it comes down to it. I dont know what it really is or if I will find it.
I like to think that it is what Chuck Palahniuk wrote about in his book Fight Club. I want to go on an epic adventure if you will. I guess that is why I read all those fantasy books and science fiction when I was younger. But this is something I have talked about before. There is no real great unknown left for men to fear and explore. The deep oceans and outer space are the last 2 frontiers. And you need a lot of money. I guess I long for the simpleness of it all. To be a highwayman in Rennaisance Europe. Or a Cowboy in the Wild West. How about a Pirate even. To have gone on the Lewis and Clark expidition. There is no freedom I guess. I mean there is no place that has not been unexplored or for men to tread. Technology has opened up countless doors for us but closed many as well.
Does anyone fear the dark? I mean the truth is that there is no need to since you can turn on a light and the dark is gone? Afraid to camp out in their backyard for fear of werewolves, bandits, barbarians, or monsters? Not going to happen. What is left for a man to do but buckledown and work a job. How much of an adventure is it to work in an office? To be a teacher? Even a police officer? A soldier? They sound exciting but I mean there is nothing that is really unknown for us.
Imagine you and your friends leaving home on an epic quest. I am not kidding. You and your buddies redy to embark into the unknown. Who knows what struggles you will face? The villians you will encounter? The monsters you will face? The treasure you will find? It sounds like I really got to much into Dungeons and Dragons doesnt it? But the truth is that everyone has fantasies of them and their friends doing great things.
This feeling I am feeling is not just unique to me. There are millions of people who feel this way. That is why movies, adventure novels, comics, RPG games, video games, and other shit like that sell so much. People want to do something great.
Either way I am going to go play cards at Brads sisters house tonight. I am moving to ISU on tuesday. And I cant wait due to the fact I get to live with one of my better friends. Sonny. He is kind of a living legend to be honest and has a reputation like myself. As it stands he is a pimp simply because, well he is Sonny.
Here is proof of his pimping skills (I am very envious)....
As it stands I really want to buy a fucking IPOD. I can probably afford it but I will hold off until I know how much money I will be getting from my FA checks. As a sidenote I also will have a job so I can treat myself. I plan to save up a few thousand for a car. That is my next goal. I really need one. Just for the simple fact it will allow me to travel and give me a sense of freedom.
I am anxious to see Jenny. I really miss her and she is really something else.
I havent seen her since Thanksgiving break of 2004. My freshman year. I wanted her to go to college with me and move in with me. I wanted a relationship with her. And I should not say wanted but want. I still want her. Noone else makes me feel like living this shitty life I lead. But when I am with her I cant help but smile. I am not ashamed to say I get butterflys in my stomach when I talk to her, even over instant messages. I talked to her over the phone but it wasnt really about anything serious just logistics on how to get to her church. I am staying up all night so I dont over sleep. She will be at the 11:00 mass.
I am talking to my buddy Gene from SIU. He is a good guy, very intellectua and kind of pompous about it. He is annoying at times but he has a good heart and that is what matters. I feel bad because I kind of scorned him freshman year but he grew on me.
I want to drink some coffee but I get what I affectionately call Coffee shits from them. And I had the shits from the ice cream me and Brad went out for. I know I should not eat it but I figure its been at least a month since I had ice cream and thats the kind of shit me and Brad do. We get ice cream and watch movies. Or we cook bratwursts at 3:00 in the morning when Sonny is in town. His mom is in Orlando Florida at Disney world with Brads cousins. After she is done with that she goes to the Dominican Republic with her new boyfriend. He seems like a nice guy and she deserves to be happy. And if he breaks her heart me and Brad will roll out and put him in a fucking hole in the woods.
I have been wanting to play some Resident Evil for a few fucking days now. I actually went and hooked up my Gamecube. But I havent fucking played it. I have all of them for the Game Cube except Code Veronica. I will purchase that and then my set will be complete. Sad as it is I am considering staying in for New Years and playing Resident Evil. I love the idea.
I will have to make my own using an HK P2000 cause it is just a much sexier gun. But nontheless I am going to get a few Stars patches and an M65 field jacket. Once I have them I will have my halloween costume ready for next year.
I really want to move to Seattle. I mean its becoming my drive. I will have to get inshape and then try to head out that way for a law enforcement job. I got all the shit I need to get inshape. I got some shorts and shirts for working out for Christmas. I just need the willpower. And an IPOD.
I dont know anymore. I just have to get out of here. I cant wait to get to ISU so I am at least out of the house. I really want to get out of the Midwest. I been here for far to long. Need to spread my wings and fly a little.
I look through some of my friends on Myspace. It seems that they are all so happy. They have good jobs, a good relationship, and a life. I am stuck here in the same shithole without a decent job, a car, a girlfriend, and I feel hopeless. I am not like these people. I dont really drink much. I have 2 or 3 beers and that is my limit. I am not an asshole like some of the people I know. I wish I was. I am not and no matter how hard I try I cant do it. I dont fit in. I mean it just like it sounds. I dont fit in. I seem to find a few friends scattered here and there but the majority of people I am not very comfortable with. It seems that my life is doomed to be a lonely one. I am a loner but not necessarily by choice, at least not all of the time.
I feel like I am always outside of whatever group I am with. When I am with Sonny and Brad I feel ok but I am not as close to either of them as they are to each other. I can go hang out with Mikey and I feel ok but when I am with him and his other friends I dont feel all that comfortable. I suspect that a lot of it has to do with their age but overall when I am with Chris, Bill, Scottie, and Mikey I feel kind of ostracised. Yet I feel ok with them. I wont turn my back on my friends and they wont on me. Though me and Chris had a falling out due to his immaturity and my lack of patience with him it seems he is more mature and me more patient now.
Either way I suspect this is part of the reason I want to leave the Chicagoland area. I want to go somewhere and reinvent myself. I want to hang out with more bohemian people and have a clique of friends who I feel that I belong with. I am a real quiet person most of the time but sometimes I open up. I think I may have to face the facts and man up to the fact that I am a bipolar manic depressive. I would rather not. But a few doctors have made that diagnosis when it comes to me. I just long to feel at peace and not torn apart. I am a Libra and feel that I am off balance.
How can I settle down if I dont feel like I belong? Is that a sign I dont belong? Am I wrong for feeling that way? These things plague me when noone else is around and I dont know. All I know is that I feel a longing for something else when it comes down to it. I dont know what it really is or if I will find it.
I like to think that it is what Chuck Palahniuk wrote about in his book Fight Club. I want to go on an epic adventure if you will. I guess that is why I read all those fantasy books and science fiction when I was younger. But this is something I have talked about before. There is no real great unknown left for men to fear and explore. The deep oceans and outer space are the last 2 frontiers. And you need a lot of money. I guess I long for the simpleness of it all. To be a highwayman in Rennaisance Europe. Or a Cowboy in the Wild West. How about a Pirate even. To have gone on the Lewis and Clark expidition. There is no freedom I guess. I mean there is no place that has not been unexplored or for men to tread. Technology has opened up countless doors for us but closed many as well.
Does anyone fear the dark? I mean the truth is that there is no need to since you can turn on a light and the dark is gone? Afraid to camp out in their backyard for fear of werewolves, bandits, barbarians, or monsters? Not going to happen. What is left for a man to do but buckledown and work a job. How much of an adventure is it to work in an office? To be a teacher? Even a police officer? A soldier? They sound exciting but I mean there is nothing that is really unknown for us.
Imagine you and your friends leaving home on an epic quest. I am not kidding. You and your buddies redy to embark into the unknown. Who knows what struggles you will face? The villians you will encounter? The monsters you will face? The treasure you will find? It sounds like I really got to much into Dungeons and Dragons doesnt it? But the truth is that everyone has fantasies of them and their friends doing great things.
This feeling I am feeling is not just unique to me. There are millions of people who feel this way. That is why movies, adventure novels, comics, RPG games, video games, and other shit like that sell so much. People want to do something great.
"We tell tales of others greatness to remind ourselves that we to can be great"- The Tao of Shinsei from the L5R RPG.
Its the truth isnt it?
I know that my reader Marvel is a Star Wars fan. I am sure she would love to travel with her friends through the galaxy getting into crazy adventures. SHe may not admit it but I am willing to bet that deep down inside her that desire lives.
Strongbhoy seems to enjoy the Harry Potter books and has an affinity towards the character Hagrid. I suspect he would love to have attended a school like Hoggwarts when he was growing up. He may also not admit it but I think the idea is burning inside him somewhere.
As for me... I am kind of a Firefly loser. Or a Twilight 2000 lover. I would love to have seen Y2K happen. It may have been the chance to restart civilization. I prefer the scifi apocalyptic worlds myself. Although I would have loved to been a Ranger in JRR Tolkiens world and ridden the world as Aragorn did. But in the end I too want to be great and want to do great things.
I leave you all with this quote that may explain what I have been feeling...
It is only in adventure that some people succeed in knowing themselves - in finding themselves. - Andr Gide
Cheers.
Tecumseh
VIEW 3 of 3 COMMENTS
Happy New Year to you as well!