Today is my first day of work. I work at 2 and I have not slept at all. It's almost 9:30 as I begin this and I want to nap. However if I do I will not get up and go to work. I have to be there at 2 and get to leave at 6.
I dropped my mother off at Midway airport a little over an hour ago. She is going to El Paso to go see her mother and her sisters. I guess they are having some sort of drama (I have 10 aunts and 1 uncle). So she wants to go see them and her mother is old. She will probably be passing on sooner than later. I wish I was closer to her but I am not. I have to go see her soon. I would feel guilty if I don't. Something with my grandmother in Germany whom I have never met. I want to meet her before she passes on. And I really want my father to go see her and make peace with her. She seems like such a wonderful woman and I don't like the idea of her dying alone with her only loved one on the other side of the world.
In another matter that has been weighing heavily on my mind. Jenny is now single I believe, She broke up with her fianc. See Jenny has always been "the one" to me. I talked to her on AIM, (it has been a long time since we talked) and I started to get all giggly inside. I always do when I talk to her. I get queasy and feel like their are butterflies in my stomach. She has that affect on me and I don't know of any other girls who do.
Anyways I emailed her a pretty rude and spiteful letter a few days ago about not sending me Christian chain letters or anything of that nature. If she wants to talk to me that she could email me personally and not forward me any crap. Needless to say she sent me a chain letter that was only addressed to me. I don't know if she read my other letter or misread it or what. As it stands I just feel good to talk to her.
Whenever I talk to her I always feel like I come off as desperate (I am desperate) and pushy. I asked her if she wanted to go for coffee and felt that hoping she could go that night would be too much. Especially since she just broke up with her fianc. But I will have to say that the girl is the only person I ever really fell in love with. She drives me up a wall. Needless to say whenever her life turns to shit she becomes friendlier with me and I end up getting hurt. All my friends say not to talk to her but I cannot ignore my own heart. I believe that I love her and I don't think they understand. I just am so tired of getting hurt. I expect that it will happen again. It always does with her but needless to say I am powerless in stopping it.
She said we could go for coffee next week after she gets her car fixed. I hope she is not blowing smoke up my ass because everyone who says they will have a cup of coffee with me ends up not having coffee with me. Ala Dana. I get all excited only to be let down. And I expect it now as it seems to be the rule rather than the exception.
Speaking of Dana and let downs. She said to stop by last night and have a beer so I called her and got there at the bar she waitresses at. She gave me a hug and we chatted for a minute. She could have just said that I could stop by and maybe we would chat quickly but that was it. Instead she said to wait and she would come back. I did but after awhile I decided to get the fuck out. At least they were playing the Boondock Saints on their TVs. I enjoy that movie immensely due to the romance of just killing evil for the hell of it. But alas I don't know why everyone thinks it is better than it is. I saw it before it became cool and now that it is so popular I think it lost some of its charm. I also contracted the shits from there or something I ate last night. I think it is why I have not slept. I took some pepto and will have to take more. I love beer shits when I can sleep in. Nothing like a good shit to clean the system.
Anyways so I am expecting Jenny to break my heart for a third time. Just the way it goes. I have hopes that she will decide to go through with what we talked about last time we were close. Basically she would enroll in college and go with me. We would get a little apartment for us and her cats. From there we would just do our thing. In my happy ending we fall in love and get married. But that's the movie ending. And life is not like the movies. But either way it would make me feel a lot better being around her. I just feel that I am a better person when she is around me. I owe a lot to her.
At one point she saved my life. She doesn't believe me but I was once ready to do something drastic. I was in a situation not unlike the one I am in now. I was alone, tired of life, felt that life was hopeless, and that I should just close the book that is my life. I missed her a lot because she went to college while I hung around here. I was just not in a good place mentally, spiritually, or physically. And I decided to call her. We talked for a good half hour about nothing and I felt like alright. I don't know what I would have done but that day I just needed to talk to her and have someone listen to me. Even if it was about nothing in particular.
I realized how much I really cared about her when she decided to drop out of school. She says she was date raped. Anyways she came home a little before Thanksgiving and we hung out. Her mom had to work on the actual holiday so she celebrated it early and her mom asked me to join them (her mom loved me to death) and I ate with them. I remember me and Jenny cooking potatoes in the kitchen the day before. She needed someone to go with her to help her move the furniture in her dorm and get her things. Her dipshit lowlife boyfriend couldn't because he was busy and didn't want to help her.
Well we got there and she started crying when we got to her room. I realized that I loved her once the waterworks got turned on. I could not bear to watch her cry. At that time in my life I would have simply killed the motherfucker that raped her. No questions asked. I had been kicked out of schools for my aggressive tendencies (altogether I was asked to leave 6 schools). I just would not back down from a fight. And if you were bigger than me or could take me in a fair fight I would have brought a knife, bat, friends, or a gun to even the odds. I don't believe in fair fights. I believe in surviving and living to tell about it. As Jane, a shameless reference to my favorite Firefly character, said "I would kill a man in a fair fight, or if I thought he was going to start a fair fight." I could not bear the thought of her hurting. I sent her flowers a few days before because she would not leave the house. And I wanted to cheer her up. She told me that she thought her step dad got them for her mom. And when she realized they were for her she cried. She came and picked me up that night. I remember going for pizza at Beggars Pizza in Oak Forest. And her kissing me when she saw me. It was the first and only time she ever kissed me. Other times when I suspect she would have I would not let her. I am a gentleman when it comes to her. She said nobody had ever given her flowers before. I
I realize as I write this that every memory I have of her is vivid. I remember them all because those were some of the only times I ever felt good in my life. Just spending time with her makes me so happy. I have so few memories that are worth remembering from that time in my life and I cherish the ones I do have which are worth it. I have some involving Josh and all those guys. Sitting in Jay's truck under the stars talking about the future and wondering where we would be in 10 years with Matt in Neal's driveway. (It has been at least 8 years since then). I look back and I remember that night. Or almost getting run over behind 3D was another one. Or that day when Saddler flipped out and threatened to kill himself. Just all the shit. Partying at Chards house was always a good one.
But it seems that the majority of my memories involve Jenny. I guess it may have been my own selectivity. But I always loved her. She makes me smile whenever I see her. Her eyes always twinkle with a mischievous light. When I last saw her in Arizona, we were talking and she always thought that I found her unattractive. I was shocked because I had never implied that. I always HASTILY said she looked nice and never complimented her I guess or said things about her because I was afraid. I didn't want to complicate our friendship with the way I really feel about her. I think she has to be fucking blind to see that I am not crazy about her. Everyone knew it.
Her mom did after 5 minutes with me. We talked the first night I ever met her and her mom came home from work. Jenny went to bed and her mom came in off work to find me watching the history channel on their TV at 1:00 am. We had met once before but only for 2 minutes. Either way we talked and she told me that one day Jenny would come around and start dating someone worth dating like you, to paraphrase her mom. I know her sister and step dad liked me. Her step dad invited me to a tattoo party. I was like 17 so I turned him down. But either way they were good people.
As for Jenny I want to see her badly. I have been so down in the dumps lately and she always brings me out of it. I am hoping she will meet me for some coffee at Denny's or something. I want to have her in my life again as I don't seem to have any other friends right now. Or the ones I do are not very enthusiastic about hanging out with me. I want us to be close like we were a long time ago. I miss the closeness I had with her and all of my friends really. I hate having nobody right now.
It seems the world is a less worthwhile place to live in when you want to talk and there is nobody. Well I have you all my loyal readers, but it is not the same. I want people to do things with and to go places with. I want people to talk to. I want to hoist a pint of beer with my friends at the bar and not feel as if I am an outsider and that I do not belong there. I want to feel like I belong, to find that place in the world just for me. I believe that my favorite cheer and toast is
I dropped my mother off at Midway airport a little over an hour ago. She is going to El Paso to go see her mother and her sisters. I guess they are having some sort of drama (I have 10 aunts and 1 uncle). So she wants to go see them and her mother is old. She will probably be passing on sooner than later. I wish I was closer to her but I am not. I have to go see her soon. I would feel guilty if I don't. Something with my grandmother in Germany whom I have never met. I want to meet her before she passes on. And I really want my father to go see her and make peace with her. She seems like such a wonderful woman and I don't like the idea of her dying alone with her only loved one on the other side of the world.
In another matter that has been weighing heavily on my mind. Jenny is now single I believe, She broke up with her fianc. See Jenny has always been "the one" to me. I talked to her on AIM, (it has been a long time since we talked) and I started to get all giggly inside. I always do when I talk to her. I get queasy and feel like their are butterflies in my stomach. She has that affect on me and I don't know of any other girls who do.
Anyways I emailed her a pretty rude and spiteful letter a few days ago about not sending me Christian chain letters or anything of that nature. If she wants to talk to me that she could email me personally and not forward me any crap. Needless to say she sent me a chain letter that was only addressed to me. I don't know if she read my other letter or misread it or what. As it stands I just feel good to talk to her.
Whenever I talk to her I always feel like I come off as desperate (I am desperate) and pushy. I asked her if she wanted to go for coffee and felt that hoping she could go that night would be too much. Especially since she just broke up with her fianc. But I will have to say that the girl is the only person I ever really fell in love with. She drives me up a wall. Needless to say whenever her life turns to shit she becomes friendlier with me and I end up getting hurt. All my friends say not to talk to her but I cannot ignore my own heart. I believe that I love her and I don't think they understand. I just am so tired of getting hurt. I expect that it will happen again. It always does with her but needless to say I am powerless in stopping it.
She said we could go for coffee next week after she gets her car fixed. I hope she is not blowing smoke up my ass because everyone who says they will have a cup of coffee with me ends up not having coffee with me. Ala Dana. I get all excited only to be let down. And I expect it now as it seems to be the rule rather than the exception.
Speaking of Dana and let downs. She said to stop by last night and have a beer so I called her and got there at the bar she waitresses at. She gave me a hug and we chatted for a minute. She could have just said that I could stop by and maybe we would chat quickly but that was it. Instead she said to wait and she would come back. I did but after awhile I decided to get the fuck out. At least they were playing the Boondock Saints on their TVs. I enjoy that movie immensely due to the romance of just killing evil for the hell of it. But alas I don't know why everyone thinks it is better than it is. I saw it before it became cool and now that it is so popular I think it lost some of its charm. I also contracted the shits from there or something I ate last night. I think it is why I have not slept. I took some pepto and will have to take more. I love beer shits when I can sleep in. Nothing like a good shit to clean the system.
Anyways so I am expecting Jenny to break my heart for a third time. Just the way it goes. I have hopes that she will decide to go through with what we talked about last time we were close. Basically she would enroll in college and go with me. We would get a little apartment for us and her cats. From there we would just do our thing. In my happy ending we fall in love and get married. But that's the movie ending. And life is not like the movies. But either way it would make me feel a lot better being around her. I just feel that I am a better person when she is around me. I owe a lot to her.
At one point she saved my life. She doesn't believe me but I was once ready to do something drastic. I was in a situation not unlike the one I am in now. I was alone, tired of life, felt that life was hopeless, and that I should just close the book that is my life. I missed her a lot because she went to college while I hung around here. I was just not in a good place mentally, spiritually, or physically. And I decided to call her. We talked for a good half hour about nothing and I felt like alright. I don't know what I would have done but that day I just needed to talk to her and have someone listen to me. Even if it was about nothing in particular.
I realized how much I really cared about her when she decided to drop out of school. She says she was date raped. Anyways she came home a little before Thanksgiving and we hung out. Her mom had to work on the actual holiday so she celebrated it early and her mom asked me to join them (her mom loved me to death) and I ate with them. I remember me and Jenny cooking potatoes in the kitchen the day before. She needed someone to go with her to help her move the furniture in her dorm and get her things. Her dipshit lowlife boyfriend couldn't because he was busy and didn't want to help her.
Well we got there and she started crying when we got to her room. I realized that I loved her once the waterworks got turned on. I could not bear to watch her cry. At that time in my life I would have simply killed the motherfucker that raped her. No questions asked. I had been kicked out of schools for my aggressive tendencies (altogether I was asked to leave 6 schools). I just would not back down from a fight. And if you were bigger than me or could take me in a fair fight I would have brought a knife, bat, friends, or a gun to even the odds. I don't believe in fair fights. I believe in surviving and living to tell about it. As Jane, a shameless reference to my favorite Firefly character, said "I would kill a man in a fair fight, or if I thought he was going to start a fair fight." I could not bear the thought of her hurting. I sent her flowers a few days before because she would not leave the house. And I wanted to cheer her up. She told me that she thought her step dad got them for her mom. And when she realized they were for her she cried. She came and picked me up that night. I remember going for pizza at Beggars Pizza in Oak Forest. And her kissing me when she saw me. It was the first and only time she ever kissed me. Other times when I suspect she would have I would not let her. I am a gentleman when it comes to her. She said nobody had ever given her flowers before. I
I realize as I write this that every memory I have of her is vivid. I remember them all because those were some of the only times I ever felt good in my life. Just spending time with her makes me so happy. I have so few memories that are worth remembering from that time in my life and I cherish the ones I do have which are worth it. I have some involving Josh and all those guys. Sitting in Jay's truck under the stars talking about the future and wondering where we would be in 10 years with Matt in Neal's driveway. (It has been at least 8 years since then). I look back and I remember that night. Or almost getting run over behind 3D was another one. Or that day when Saddler flipped out and threatened to kill himself. Just all the shit. Partying at Chards house was always a good one.
But it seems that the majority of my memories involve Jenny. I guess it may have been my own selectivity. But I always loved her. She makes me smile whenever I see her. Her eyes always twinkle with a mischievous light. When I last saw her in Arizona, we were talking and she always thought that I found her unattractive. I was shocked because I had never implied that. I always HASTILY said she looked nice and never complimented her I guess or said things about her because I was afraid. I didn't want to complicate our friendship with the way I really feel about her. I think she has to be fucking blind to see that I am not crazy about her. Everyone knew it.
Her mom did after 5 minutes with me. We talked the first night I ever met her and her mom came home from work. Jenny went to bed and her mom came in off work to find me watching the history channel on their TV at 1:00 am. We had met once before but only for 2 minutes. Either way we talked and she told me that one day Jenny would come around and start dating someone worth dating like you, to paraphrase her mom. I know her sister and step dad liked me. Her step dad invited me to a tattoo party. I was like 17 so I turned him down. But either way they were good people.
As for Jenny I want to see her badly. I have been so down in the dumps lately and she always brings me out of it. I am hoping she will meet me for some coffee at Denny's or something. I want to have her in my life again as I don't seem to have any other friends right now. Or the ones I do are not very enthusiastic about hanging out with me. I want us to be close like we were a long time ago. I miss the closeness I had with her and all of my friends really. I hate having nobody right now.
It seems the world is a less worthwhile place to live in when you want to talk and there is nobody. Well I have you all my loyal readers, but it is not the same. I want people to do things with and to go places with. I want people to talk to. I want to hoist a pint of beer with my friends at the bar and not feel as if I am an outsider and that I do not belong there. I want to feel like I belong, to find that place in the world just for me. I believe that my favorite cheer and toast is
Here's to cheating, stealing, fighting and drinking. If you cheat, may it be a death; if you steal, may it be a heart; if you fight, may it be for your Brother; and if you drink, may it be with me."
It is what I feel when I am with some people. Just to look around and realize that with these people around me I can do anything. The world can kick me down and that I will have someone to help me. Basically the camaraderie that the Dropkick Murphys sing about in the song "The Gangs all Here". I wish I had joined the army when I had the chance. I think I may have found it there. But perhaps it wasn't in the cards for me. Who knows?
I sometimes think that I am forever to walk alone. I feel like Job sometimes but I know I have not suffered nearly as much. This scares me at times because I expect it to get worse for me. But I also see that it could get better. Depending on my mood I might take the Fight Club philosophy and say that I should "let the chips fall where they may," but I am afraid I wont like where they land. I dislike to take chances on some things.
Anyways I will hope that things go as I would like them. I am tired of the life I am leading and don't really know how to change some things. Though I wish I could more than anything. I really want to return to school and hope that I get into U of Washington. And maybe I can start to find true happiness and a purpose to what is amounting to my pointless life.
As a sidenote I am becoming more and more fascinated with the IRA. I have a few Michael Collins biographies and I want to read some of his writings. I just get bored and put it down. I will have to change that. Perhaps I can start taking donations for NORAID.That would be funny.
Well I am off to shit, shower, and shave. Then I will shit again and take some pepto. Cheers my friends
VIEW 5 of 5 COMMENTS
beckyjane:
No problem. xx
marvel:
Your journal always makes me think. I hope you get over your, um, poops soon.