tecumseh1981

Well well,

I expected today to be better but it was not. I seem to believe that the world will be better for me tomorrow. But it is not and I think I am beginning to understand why. I have to change things. I cannot blame anyone else for my problems. I think I have to make more of an effort to change my place. I ned to get off my ass and look for a fucking job. I really am getting strung out over shit right now and that is the biggest thing that is bothering me. I do nothing all fucking day. I keep putting shit I need to do off and it is not right. I have wallowed in my own self pity for far to long. My problems are brought on by me and my lack of willpower and laziness. I intend to change a few things. I have set a few goals up.

On Saturday I will be 25. I am to old to be stuck in the same shit. I am dying for some changes and that is what I will work towards. I will go look for a job more actively. Israel was correct and Panera is hiring so I will go and drop off the application. I need to find a fucking job and soon. I want to save some cash and that is a start. I want to have at least $2000 by Xmas time.

I also want to join a gym. I need to as well. Its so hard to start working out for me. I have always been a fat kid. I need to eat healthier and go on a diet as it is so I should start exercising. Diabetes runs in my family and I would not like to have it. As well as all the jobs I am interested in require I pass a physical.

And I need to get back into school. I called Drexel and they said I can probably get the loans I need from Sally Mae but I really dont want to take out any sort of school loans. Or as few as possible is what I want to say. I also really need to decide on a school. I applied to University of Illinois at Chicago last night but I chose to not submit a personal statement. I hope this does not hinder me as I may then try to go back to SIU.

Speaking of SIU I have been sepinaed by the court down there. Me and my friend Nate reported some kids for vandalizing the school and it turned into a felony. Hopefully they will pay for a trip down there. Bobbysue said I could sleep on her and her roommates couch. Alyssa and Melissa, I am sure of this, will be happy to see me because I just bring the fun back into their lives.

Anyways I really dont have much to post except I am trying to watch "The Island" but I am not really getting into it. It may be good and seems like it might be but I want to see a movie that blows me away. Nothing has done that in awhile. Tonight I am supposed to go see somehing with Mikey but I am not sure what. I want to see "The Black Dahlia" because I love the Noir feeling that Brian DePalma seems to be going for. I also enjoyed watching a few documentaries on the history channel about the case. And Scarllett Johannsen is hot as all hell. I just hope that I actually go and have some sort of social interaction with people. I kind of miss that.

Loneliness seems to be a recurring theme in my life. I just dont know why. Well I do but I dont know why it doesnt seem to bother other people I know.

A lot of shit bothers me like why some people are more popular yet they are bad friends. Sometimes I dont understand somethings that my friends or people in general do. For example if you are dating someone for a long time (like 3 years) and she sleeps with one of your friend would you still call them a friend? Josh did after Julia had a one night stand with Joe. Or people hang out with a kid who picks fights with a whole bunch of people then runs like a coward when they retaliate (he kicked one of their girlfriends)? Then this kid goes on to try and steal every girl you have been with? Yet you would hang out with him even though he does that shit? When the people you hang out with are all interested in drinking and doing nothing but trashing your fucking house why you keep letting them come over? I can go on and on about shit like this but I dont ever seem to get it. Just one of those things, I guess.

How come God lets a lot of things slide. Sometimes I seem to see only the bad in people. I dont mean it but I cant look past some of their sins. I like the following quote: Dont judge a man by whom he was or who he will be, judge a man by whom he is. I see a lot of truth in that. I look at people now and I cannot help but see their flaws. If someone has changed their flaws or tried to then perhaps you should try to judge them in a better light. I cant understand some people though and I wonder what others think about me.

I want to change yet I have not worked on it lately. I have done a lot so far in the scheme of my life but nothing lately. I desperately want to become a new person. I need to change. I cannot deny that. I want to. Who knows what will happen next.

As it stands I am desperate for something. I want a girlfriend. I want a job. I want to go back to school. I want to do something and have a purpose. These things are what seem to be going through my head all of the time. My mind is racing all of the time and I have a hard time concentrating on things. I know what it is and I am hesitant to admit it but I am severely depressed. I have been for a long time, since high school. I was diagnosed with manic depression back in the day. I took medicine but not so much anymore. I wanted to when I was back at SIU for part of the semester but that did not work out. I need to get out of here. The midwest is strangling me and I think I can explain why I am depressed at times and am ok at other times.

I get depressed when I get let down. Usually women let me down but my friends do. When I say women do it is because they stand me up or dont return my calls. Happens to guys like me all of the time. It hurts because when your lonely and want some companionship, especially of the female variety, you get your hopes up and then let down. When I say companionship I dont mean sex exclusively but just talking. Women are often better listeners and conversationalists then men. Not always but as a rule of thumb. And I like to talk about shit a lot. I also like to write about it, as you can tell by the length of my blogs. I just like to talk about anything and everything. Especially over coffee or on walks I just want some company and someone to cuddle with when the night gets a little colder. Someone to share life with. (Most guys do I suspect but many are afraid to show it. As a rule of thumb the more a guy pretends that he is ok on his own the more he needs someone.) I think everyone desires to be loved and to have a shoulder to lean on when the chips are down. I used to think I would not need that but then reality kicked my ass and now I know what it really means to need someone. I just want someone. I cant really be clear about it but that I need someone and I want a little love in my life.

As for my friends, they just dont return my calls or dont take me seriously. I have had them make plans right in front of me about shit they were gonna do but they didnt invite me to. It sucks and I really feel that these people are not my friends. I need to find a new group who is more considerate and appreciates things like loyalty and brotherhood. I want to have a group of people I can depend on. People who do shit and who dont mind hanging out. Instead I have groups of friends (I know a lot of people and they are all different cliques). Each group is different in a lot of ways but the same issues when it comes to my problems with them. They all are assholes. Just no ambition or desire to really do anything. I remember when we used to do shit. I understand that some of us are grown up and cant do the shit we used to but I want to get together everyonce in awhile and do things. Instead we sit around and bitch until the night is over. Perhaps we could go out for dinner or to the same bar as a group. Instead we all bitch about what to do for the night. How about we set a bowling night up and just shoot the shit? Or we can get a reservation for dinner as a group. What about we go downtown and go to the beach? How about we get a BBQ together? Everyone wants to sit in Smittys basement or at IHOP. I want to have people who like to do shit and who understand that not everyone has money or that money does not always have to be an obstacle. I want to do something intelligent for once instead of talk about the same shit we always used to at IHOP. Or to not watch football in Smittys basement and bitch about nothing to do except sit there.

I guess from my friends I want camraderie. I always feel like an outsider with my friends since I drift around. Josh and those guys always kind of leave me out and I feel like I am trying to recapture what is not there. I dont really have many common interests as they do nor do I really want to. I just want to have a group of people whom I can call brother and who like to hang out. It seems that is a lot to ask. So I figure I must push on.

THis is what miss, see I used to walk for 3 hours a night with my friend Nate talking about life, girls, and just shit. I really miss that and I am not ashamed to say I miss him. He made life better because he would listen to me and let me vent. We had a lot of things in common and I could gladly call him a kindred spirit. He was a brother to me and I really wish I lived closer because he was always down to chill no matter what. I dont have any friends like that anymore. I have met many people and I would consider the majority of them to be my friends. But I still miss others, the memories are what define me. I can give you a good memory about everyone of my friends and why I love them. And I do mean I love them. I would do whatever I can to help them. Especially Josh and those guys. I dont think I would have made it through high school without them.

See in high school I was a social butterfly and knew a lot of people. I called a lot of people friend and they did not all judge me. I was able to fit in with a lot of different people. I just didnt really consider any particular group to be my friends. Then I met Josh and all them guys. All of us went to different high schools but we were kind of social outcasts from the different schools. Chad was a total prep, Josh and them were total punk rockers, I dont know what I was, Mark was a nerd who needed attention, Smitty needed friends, Matt was just a preppy kid who didnt fit in with the rich kids at his private school, Jeremy was Joshs little bro so he always hung with us and was always one of the guys. Neal was a computer geek and a band nerd. Jason was Neals friend and a cheerleader who liked weird industrial music. John R. was just a typical gaming nerd. Joe was just a punk rocker kid without a loving family. Bob was just a fat kid who needed friends. And the Harris kids were just cool kids who chilled with us sometimes. Yet we all worked together. We had so many good memories. So many nights at Dennys. We used to drink whenever we had a free house. I remember getting stoned and beating everyone at Bushido Blade on the Playstation. I then went on to beat John the chess champion. (He underestimated me, but little did he know I have been a chess player since I was 4 years old.) We went to the Indiana dunes and just hung out for the day. Or how many hours could we waste at 3D HOG. The gaming store is where most of our little adventures started and ended. It is also the place where we completed the group. Everyone called us The Group or The Lemmings because we were always together and followed eachother into trouble. I miss those days and long to go back to that. But I know it is no longer possible because we are adults.

Is that what life is growing up? Not being able to hangout? Just drifting apart from all that really mattered to you? Do we all grow up and become someone else? I wanted to do so much with my life and everyone believed I would. But here I am doing the same as I was in high school. The song that describes how I feel as I write this (STRONGBHOY, you will love this song, or at least I think you will). Anyways I just remember things being better and me being happier. I think we all do and as much as I hate this old cliche but those were the best times of my life. No responsibilities or worries other than having a good time. Not that I have any responsibilities but I have that worry and I feel guilty for it. That is the maturity that comes with age. I just wish that it was not so. I still miss being a kid and I think a lot of my friends do.

Perhaps I could get us all together to go chill somewhere and hang out like we used to. Its just scheduling and everyone would need some sort of advanced notice. Maybe get everyone together at the Dunes and send out invitations. I am sure nobody would be expecting that. Who knows? It would be nice to do and get everyone together for springbreak or something. I will have to look into it.

I think I am going to watch HEAT. I love that movie.

And to all my readers thanks for reading my bullshit.

And to all my frineds, well I will just say I hope you all are doing well and that you will find whatever you seek out of life.