Weird.
My mother's father died the other day.
Why "mother's father" and not grandfather?
Let me tell you..
He never was in the family circle as I grew... nor the lives of any of his four children.
He lived in Denmark.. as do my mom's siblings.. and my mother lives here in Canada.
He raised his children and then decided he didn't want to be in their lives.
That is his decision I guess.
But I still feel kinda weird.. Kinda guilty for not shedding a tear and not caring. For not feeling anything at all. Not even a numbness or discomfort in knowing the patriarch of my mother's family is dead.
But then again.. as devil's advocate:
Why should it be my job to care?
He surely didn't. Or if he did he didn't make it known.
But then all of these thoughts were dashed with an epiphany last night... while I was drunk and enjoying the wonders of a Karaoke environment (didn't get to sing Singin in the Rain and White Christmas... Damn..)
He may have had no influence on my life directly, and no interest in any of his children or grandchildren... but he taught me a very important and indirect lesson.
He taught me that being alone is sad. That fading away without ceremony is unfortunate.
He taught me to love my mother and father, because they love me.
He taught me that his self-induced reclusiveness from others is fucked right the hell up and not condusive to all the wonders of life.
He will never again hear I Love You.
He will never be spoken of with a smile.
He will never have his picture on the mantle.
He no longer exists.
Except in this way:
Every time I remember how dramatically happy I am to love and care and how my parents both love and care it will stand in stark contrast to his life.
Maybe one day he may get a smile.
Maybe he won't.
It doesn't matter much now though.
He didn't care in life and he doesn't care in death.
But I care. And I'm alive.
And I'll used his life as a guide of what not to do to be happy and full.
And I guess for that I'm thankful.
My mother's father died the other day.
Why "mother's father" and not grandfather?
Let me tell you..
He never was in the family circle as I grew... nor the lives of any of his four children.
He lived in Denmark.. as do my mom's siblings.. and my mother lives here in Canada.
He raised his children and then decided he didn't want to be in their lives.
That is his decision I guess.
But I still feel kinda weird.. Kinda guilty for not shedding a tear and not caring. For not feeling anything at all. Not even a numbness or discomfort in knowing the patriarch of my mother's family is dead.
But then again.. as devil's advocate:
Why should it be my job to care?
He surely didn't. Or if he did he didn't make it known.
But then all of these thoughts were dashed with an epiphany last night... while I was drunk and enjoying the wonders of a Karaoke environment (didn't get to sing Singin in the Rain and White Christmas... Damn..)
He may have had no influence on my life directly, and no interest in any of his children or grandchildren... but he taught me a very important and indirect lesson.
He taught me that being alone is sad. That fading away without ceremony is unfortunate.
He taught me to love my mother and father, because they love me.
He taught me that his self-induced reclusiveness from others is fucked right the hell up and not condusive to all the wonders of life.
He will never again hear I Love You.
He will never be spoken of with a smile.
He will never have his picture on the mantle.
He no longer exists.
Except in this way:
Every time I remember how dramatically happy I am to love and care and how my parents both love and care it will stand in stark contrast to his life.
Maybe one day he may get a smile.
Maybe he won't.
It doesn't matter much now though.
He didn't care in life and he doesn't care in death.
But I care. And I'm alive.
And I'll used his life as a guide of what not to do to be happy and full.
And I guess for that I'm thankful.
VIEW 7 of 7 COMMENTS
rainbowelf:
I never bother to miss anyone because I really think there's nothing to miss. If you have good memories of someone, then you'll always have them whether they're dead or not. There's so many people to have fun with in the present that there's no reason to miss someone from the past, and the future holds much more. Peace dude!
angelvanilla:
MrDeity is coming to Victoria on Sept.3rd ( Victoria: MrDeity is coming! - thread in SG West!!!) and wants to meet up with the Victoria crew. I know its a friday night, and far in advance, but he's trying to plan his trip... please come out! 