What now?
I've come to embrace the harsh reality that no good is without its bad and that all pleasure is either followed or preceded by…. pain. Love, is no exception.
What now?
The painful sting of the break, the dull grind of the ensuing solitude. Both are o’so familiar to me now. Im learning to condition myself to embrace both. The good & the bad...the pleasure & the pain. They say not to dwell on the past...they say.. But the future, the thought of the future, the thought of what could be, could have been...there inlies the root..the roots..of pain...after all we had memories to make.. Didn't we?
What now?
That phrase implies darkness to me, the unsteady feeling of unfamiliarity creeps up on me, into me... when i ask that question... The vastness of the uncertainty is so cold, so dark.
What now?
I have begun, finally, to accept the pain, the hurt, the dull quiet hum of the emptiness that accompanies the silence, the solitude. I welcome it...the same way the lover of warmth & light should welcome and embrace the coolness of night. The same way the night owl should pay homage to the rising sun.
What now?
Writing to you, about us, writing to myself about you...has opened doors. The burning embers of anger have sparked a flame of creativity. The pain has pushed me to find a conduit for expression, for expressing myself. The pain...means i feel..i feel something. It contrasts the pleasure i felt...while with you. It is as the night is to day. As sweet is to bitter. i'm finding... i enjoy both.. The pleasure and the pain... The light and the dark.. I know i want to fight...for you..for us. I can’t make you love me though & to coerce or force you to fake it.. would be...wrong… it would be the tyrants path. It would bare no fruits. It would be a lie.
What now?
Violence no matter how passive or direct would only, hurt… it would fuel the darkness...it would serve as a wedge between us...a catalyst for fear and resentment…
What now?
i see love..loving you... Means accepting that your light means my darkness..and that i must have faith… faith that it will all come full circle..that..the sun will rise for me again. That holding on to you would only prolong the night..for us both… loving you..means freedom… we are free From the shackles of our.. what now? … you are, were, always free to choose...to choose your highest path..your path to happiness. You chose to follow your heart, your love, your happiness and though your choice causes me pain i accept the responsibility… the risk was worth it...though it's bitter to taste rejection.. i welcome it...because had you chosen me it would have be so sweet and i would have savored every bit of it.
What now?
This is my night...this is your day.
This is civilized savagery.