A bit overwhelmed, I guess.
When I first went to college, I moved 1200 miles away to Cleveland to do so. My dreams, at the time, were there, so it made sense. Two things happened in Cleveland. The first: I fell in love with the city and had some of the best experiences of my life.
The second: My depression and anxiety decided they'd been gone for too long and decided to say "hello."
I graduated Valedictorian of my high school class, went into college on the honors program, and then watched everything fall apart with something between desperation and apathy. I now owe the school money that I have to pay before I can even get my transcripts to finish college, because of the scholarships/financial aid that were ripped away from me when my grades plummeted below what the government deems acceptable.
But, actually, that's sort of a digression from the point of the post. The point is that I came back to shitholeville to try to get it back together enough to go back, and, well, that didn't really do anything but make me desperate to get home, which is what I consider Cleveland. Yep, I jump from shithole to shithole, I guess. But I'm rather fond of one of them.
My best friend wants me back there. I want me back there. Everyone wants me back there. She told me she and some friends are trying to get a place. Rent would be less than 200 per person. Cleveland is awesomely cheap, btw. If they don't get it, she's going to upgrade her apartment to a double, which would still make my rent about $300. I said I'm moving back after Christmas, because I can't even stand it here anymore. I'm alone here aside from my mother. My only decent friend moves to England in 4 days. I just want to be back with the people who love and respect me, with the people from whom I don't have to hide.
Queue problems. I'm leaving my job, because I'm still really bad anxious, and I want to be able to get my mind healthy before I go back, because I don't want to go back to the place I was in before I came back to TX. I'm not entirely together now, but I don't want to go back to the girl who spent all day in bed in the dark, both literally and figuratively.
So, money, I need. I plan on doing a lot of writing and magazine submissions after I finish up my two weeks. I'm really really hoping something finally gives and I get some stuff published, and that said stuff happens to be in publications that pay. I'm also going to do a bit of freelancing. I just hope I can get it all together.
Because I need a car, so I don't ever feel trapped anywhere again. And I need money to get there. And money for rent for a couple of months. And food.
And I have time, and she's not setting any specific deadline for me to move back or anything. Sure, I could apply and try to get a job via phone interviews, etc. before I moved back. But there are just...so many things that can go wrong, and so many things up in the air, and I like things planned out to a tee. I don't like uncertainty, because it just...makes me more anxious.
I guess I wish I was the kind of person who could dwell in the unknown and actually enjoy it. Fucking Capricorn personality.
When I first went to college, I moved 1200 miles away to Cleveland to do so. My dreams, at the time, were there, so it made sense. Two things happened in Cleveland. The first: I fell in love with the city and had some of the best experiences of my life.
The second: My depression and anxiety decided they'd been gone for too long and decided to say "hello."
I graduated Valedictorian of my high school class, went into college on the honors program, and then watched everything fall apart with something between desperation and apathy. I now owe the school money that I have to pay before I can even get my transcripts to finish college, because of the scholarships/financial aid that were ripped away from me when my grades plummeted below what the government deems acceptable.
But, actually, that's sort of a digression from the point of the post. The point is that I came back to shitholeville to try to get it back together enough to go back, and, well, that didn't really do anything but make me desperate to get home, which is what I consider Cleveland. Yep, I jump from shithole to shithole, I guess. But I'm rather fond of one of them.
My best friend wants me back there. I want me back there. Everyone wants me back there. She told me she and some friends are trying to get a place. Rent would be less than 200 per person. Cleveland is awesomely cheap, btw. If they don't get it, she's going to upgrade her apartment to a double, which would still make my rent about $300. I said I'm moving back after Christmas, because I can't even stand it here anymore. I'm alone here aside from my mother. My only decent friend moves to England in 4 days. I just want to be back with the people who love and respect me, with the people from whom I don't have to hide.
Queue problems. I'm leaving my job, because I'm still really bad anxious, and I want to be able to get my mind healthy before I go back, because I don't want to go back to the place I was in before I came back to TX. I'm not entirely together now, but I don't want to go back to the girl who spent all day in bed in the dark, both literally and figuratively.
So, money, I need. I plan on doing a lot of writing and magazine submissions after I finish up my two weeks. I'm really really hoping something finally gives and I get some stuff published, and that said stuff happens to be in publications that pay. I'm also going to do a bit of freelancing. I just hope I can get it all together.
Because I need a car, so I don't ever feel trapped anywhere again. And I need money to get there. And money for rent for a couple of months. And food.
And I have time, and she's not setting any specific deadline for me to move back or anything. Sure, I could apply and try to get a job via phone interviews, etc. before I moved back. But there are just...so many things that can go wrong, and so many things up in the air, and I like things planned out to a tee. I don't like uncertainty, because it just...makes me more anxious.
I guess I wish I was the kind of person who could dwell in the unknown and actually enjoy it. Fucking Capricorn personality.
VIEW 3 of 3 COMMENTS
Good luck with your en-devour, try not to judge your self too harshly and give a moment to enjoy the now... because in 10 years time you will look back at these "golden days"... when really you need to realize they are perhaps happening now