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teafreak

Loserville

Member Since 2010

Followers 103 Following 29

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Tuesday Oct 11, 2011

Oct 10, 2011
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I'm having trouble getting over myself... not in the sense of being attractive or talented..and getting over myself..

kind of the opposite factor.

I've spent a few years... maybe five now trying really hard to keep myself ... myself.. as in.. just me.. no friends.. no... more boyfriends.. girlfriends... I've never gotten along with my family so I didn't have to try hard there.
I'm the person when.. I say I don't have friends.. I'm not kidding.. or being dramatic.. just simply stating.. I have no friends.. sorry.. nobody to bring to your party.. etc..

now there's this guy.. that's been trying to get me to simply have coffee or lunch for a while.. about a year now.. he asked again.. he doesn't really understand my reason.. I tried to explain it after the last time.. because he made it clear that he thought it was me not liking him.. in any way.. which isn't true... he's pretty cool.. I do enjoy talking to him...

my problem with .. making this more than just.. talking about things... is that it.. becomes more than just talking about things. he's an acquaintance .. or a friend.. someone who's .. in my life.

I have several issues with having people in my life.. some are very selfish... the things I mentioned at the beginning of this entry.. the getting over myself part.. the most selfish among these is that.. I enjoy having my time to myself.. having people in your life means you have to share your time with them.. making sure sure they don't feel ignored.. going to lunch.. movies.. buying gifts.. etc.. and to or.. not to tell them when they look terrible in something.

the other part is about being irreparably damaged... all together... by relationships with significant others.. family mostly.... lots of reasons I guess but you don't need the sob story part.. we're talking about my selfish behaviors..

and now I'm just.. ... yea.. I feel almost indifferent half the time.. like a serial killer must fell after they've been caught.. I don't get it. I don't know if it's my meds half the time or just how fucked up I am. blackeyed

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