tds

The home is not a cell, but a center of personal development. The kind of thing money can't buy, but can totally rent for $695 a month. Where you can look out, see that masterful view: four cars in a line, a bus stop, & a slightly angry black man looking at you from his balcony. Where the tempurature is nothing but a test of your faith in yourself; do you give up, as is the nature of temptation, & leave long enough to start the journey again? Or stay, adopt, adapt, & improve? I stay because no one will have me, or can have me. I feel, to speak positively, this will benefit my constitution.

The windows have no bars, at least in my case; some of the others around here do. No one gets in, no one gets out. It's like "Fortress," only Christopher Lambert isn't there. I couldn't live in that environment, where there's no escape, only release. I can leave any time i want to, that's true. But i don't. Not because there's nowhere to go --which is true-- but because i would rather not be out by myself. I hate being alone. And, ironically, when i say that, it's like i'm the only one who hears. People are a luxury in life; there's nothing wanted more than the chance to be around those who care. But, how do you know who cares? Ask, & you're a fool. You're a fool if you're wrong, you're a fool if you're right, you're a fool in general.

Cops come often now. Gunshots do that, i expect. Fireworks don't help, either. There's a distinct auditory difference, by the way. But they come, the police, often. They're here now, four hours after the usual time. I really don't think i can handle it anymore. The stress doesn't play well with cops interrogating & occasionally arresting neighbors (oddly, maybe unfortunately, they aren't the neighbors i would love to see get arrested). I despise those who get arrested for interrupting my dream. When i read, when i sleep, when i write, when i think...no matter. They ruin it. In saying that, i'm sure part of me will miss it when i leave. Not much, but a little.

I hate the habit i picked up where i measure my value by the opinions of others. I know no one reads, that doesn't bother me. What does bother me is how little others care. Now, i don't have "some kind of divine right to the blues" or some egocentric desire to be the gloater of positive things, but there's only so much a person can take. I didn't use to be like this; even as much as a year ago, i was never in the grip of people beyond them selling me groceries & keeping me entertained. I was on the radio for several months, consistantly telling them that, & it didn't bother me nearly as much as it should only a few heard. Sometimes, as miserable as i believe i was, i miss that. Now, not only do i find myself reliant on others, but i find myself really hurt when i'm shunned. I don't like that. I don't like to be alone anymore, not that i did then. But there's nothing i want more than people who care about me, who worry when they feel i'm in trouble, who want to hang out, who want to be around me. That...that's really, really nice. It's like a drug in a lot of ways. I can't bear going a week without a fix. And i'm not saying i'm useless without others, because that damn sure isn't true. I just love those i love, & to me, that means a HELL of a lot.

"Lil' Bush" is on. I expect it to be funny any second now. Shows like this make me embarrassed to be part of the world. I despise all that the current administration has done to this country. I can't even watch the news without feeling like i need to punch something (although this could easily be my detest for the media, which i ironically am interested in being a part of), because they relfect how miserable we are as a nation, & how trivial they make the war sound. Give me the "They only downplay it because they know how bad it is" excuse, because that's bullshit; i don't want to hear a sanitized version of the truth, i just want reality. Even if you squish it between Paris Hilton's personal grooming in prison & the next warmfront in Atlanta. Shows like "Lil' Bush" serve only to do what every "progressive" comic has done in the last six years: point out the obvious in such a way that it not only makes the problems a complete nonentity but makes them & the liberal end of the spectrum look like fucking idiots. Instead of taking an opportunity to actually make a statement, even as obvious as "support the troops, send them home," they make retarded jokes that weren't funny when i heard them made in high school. Insulting Bush, or Cheney, or Rice, as entertaining as it can be (in the last two cases; no one has said anything new about Bush in eight years), does NOTHING to change the state of things. I'm not saying that one show will make the world a better place, but FUCK, maybe if done the right way, you could catch some smart kid staying up late, or some college student who wants to make a difference, or some middle-aged worker who's waiting for Jon Stewart to come on. All it takes is one person to change something, in their own way, & to me that means more than "Look! Bush! As a kid! Cheney is his friend! See? Bush was still stupid then too!" You can still be funny & have a point, by the way. And it'd be a great lead in for Stewart. But hey, whatever.

So, yeah, it isn't a cell. It's whatever i want it to be. It's a place for thoughts to be spoken without fear, for a person to hate who they are, for a person to love what they believe. The only drawback is the notion that you can't share it, because no one is interested in coming by to at least see the renter & operator of the ride. And hey, that sucks, but them's the breaks. You have to love yourself to love others, i hear, & while i DO love myself, reading things like this & seeing me at my unbest (which is both not entirely uncommon, but still not as common as i think it is). I miss people.


Later. Again.