depression has settled deep inside me. for weeks now i can not write, i can not relate to people, i don't talk to them unless i am pressed to do so. i easily become abusive. i'm violent be nature as times becomes hard to control myself. it's at it's worse when i'm depressed. depression is with me. i am depression. my soul. a steelplate in my head. a trapped door. a drain. yeah, it's like i'm being drained by a huge leech. rotten parasite. constant companien along for the ride dragging myself through myself. how long will this one last? when will it release me from it's grip? i don't know. i'm convienced it has nothing to do with me. i avoid people when i am like this. they always make me feel worse. they look at me and ask me what the problem is. my first impulse is to hit them, i feel my throat tightning, i choke myself, punishment for being alive. there's a dark cloud that hangs over me. i can't get to it. i am not feeling sorry for myself. i know there is a lot of people who goes through their whole lives like this. i am a product of depression. it's the driving force in my life. i'm not creative or smart. i think about killing myself all the time. like a lot of people. sometimes it makes so much sense, it is all i can do to hang around until the cloud passes. all the time it makes pure lotical sense. and that is when i rebel against myself and hang on. i torture myself with life. i excersice my body merely to taunt it, to cause it pain and make it hurt. too make it scream. basement. dungeon. a long walk alone. alone everywhere. alone when i'm with them. the stage. a perfect place for me. there couldn't be a better place for me. it's the truest place i know. it cause me pain like i have never experienced anywhere else. it's perverse and disguisting. all things brought to a boil. all is shown, and all is known. all is turned inside out for all to see. a freak with all the lights on. sickness. isolation so heavy i hate myself into sleep afterwards. they come up to me with their words of preys. it never makes sense to me, why anyone would want to see something like that. i'm told that they know what i mean, and that they feel the same way sometimes. i feel sorry for 'em. you can't know what someone else is feeling. as soon as you let that lie go, the real world opens it's ugly jaws and swallows you whole. long ago i threw away the idea that the world was against me trying to undermine everything i was trying to do. i used to think the same about life itself. i used to think that life was hunting me down and trying to destroy me. i found that to be untrue. it's the easiest way out to blame your problems on something else. on someone else. i threw out the ideas that the world and life were my enemies. i found that i was protecting myself from the real enemy that i had not yet dealt with. myself. as soon as that was stripped away, i saw things more clearly. i also stopped talking to people, and became more withdrawn than usual. i am a monster. i don't understand. too many things cause me pain. i wanna get lost, i wanna escape myself. i don't wanna battle my mind again, the last time was too heavy, i lost. i wanna walk until i disappear into nothing. where is nowhere? how do i get there? can i find it in the night? if it is anywhere, it's in the night. somewhere in the night. that feeling like you are wearing a coat of darkness. a secret wrapped in a secret. protected from yourself. it's good to get a break from your life. i fell into my room. got away from the streets, and the noice. i am looking at the walls. they look good to me right now. slowly i am forgetting them, and their mind-poluting words. i don't know how to handle prays. i feel like a conman when i stand there, taking it from them. i feel like a commercial. i do it all wrong. i don't know what right is. but i know that i am doing it all wrong. i love dreamless sleep. dreams tell me too much. sometimes the less i know the better. the more i look, the more i see. like the time i had my arms around her. i looked at her. i looked in. i tried to stop my eyes. i wanted to stop seeing. but it happened like it always happens, i saw through her. i look into myself. i don't stop when i should. i disect myself. i see through myself. i expose myself to myself. i don't like what i see. the less i see the better. do you look too deeply. do you see too much? i have a bad ability. it's like a curse. i can make anything look bad, by looking at it for too long. i always look too long. i see through love and affection. i see desperation and prays. i see hate and jealouy. i see it in myself. i wanna walk in the desert tonight. i want the wind to pass over me. i wanna let the poison bleed through the soles of my feet into the desert floor. i wanna starve the monster. i wanna punish it with thoughts of clean night wind. the monster will kick and bellow. it can't take a direct shot. it cannot take the pain of painlessness. the iron door slams shut. a cunt stares the paint off the wall. there is no next time. there is only a flickering recollection of the last time. history is vacant and meaningless. thoughts of the past brings pain that cannot be measured. thoughts of tomorrow are nightmares wrapped in reality. he can't no longer prove his past. he can't no longer prove himself. he throws the shakless away and land hard in the present. he closes his eyes and opens them again. the walls are still there. he falls deep inside himself. relentless. when you are finally a world away, when you've left them. when the pain and confussion has fallen away. what then? what do you do with the vacancy? what do you do with all the time that you spend hating? wanting what they had. wanting to feel just like them. what do you do with the hours? with the thoughts? what do you do with the freedom? you learn that you spend a lot of time thinking about them. you are a part of them, more than you ever suspected. and you disgust yourself. you weren't above it afterall. you were with them all the time. speaking the language that you were so proud that you did not know a word of. the can see there is a vacuum. i feel a duty to fill in all the cracks. the shove light to all the dark corners. the pain eases away. your step gets lighter. you are so used to the tension, that now life is new and strange again. you let them, and the world they rode in on leave. and it's a new world. your new world. welcome to your new world. your new room. your new reality. you trip and fall a lot. it's good to fall. i don't blame people for the way they make me feel. i used to. it's good to let them go. i used to cause myself so much pain at their feet. they didn't know what the hell was going on. there i was bleeding at their doorstep, pointing my fingers at them. calling them heartbreakers. the despacthers of despair. it was me all along. what'd i know? i can't relate to them. when i try i am filled with confussion and pain. i don't know what to do with words. when i talk, they take on other meanings. i don't get it right. i let go. hard at first. i miss the things that made me sick. to have a broken heart. to loose sleep over someone. to feel jealousy. to be amazed at the depts and lenghts that they will go and the places they will take you if you are attached to them. years of my life living for them. hoping to be lucky enough to be part of the human experience. their world. to dream their nightmares. to be on the team. to spend eternitys, lifetimes, depts, rejecting them, over and over, yet running back happy to be given another chance to reject them again. what a bad bucket of blood. to feel pain and feel good because you know that it is all yours. and finding out that it is not. you got it all from them. you are merely a tenant living off their scraps. my pain defines me. their pain when injested distorts me, it weakens me. blinds me. i learn nothing. i don't grow. i run head-long into their jail. well, that's over with.
look it's a monster! he's walking alone. look! he's pulling something out of his pocket. he threw it on the ground. let's go see what it is. it's a black box. you open it! whoa!!! it's sorrow, misery and pain. it's loneliness and longing. boy, he'll be sorry he lost these.
i've tried some stupid things in my time. gone through extremes in trying to get away from things in my head that i knew was trying to kill me. hard to swallow when you see yourself as the enemy. only you could put yourself through this. i've tried to ignore myself. failing miserably everytime. have you ever fallen in on yourself? like you are the cold mind and the minor? happens all the time to me. i sit alone after a show. i smell their cigarette smoke in my hair. a ringing roar in my ears. i look at the floor and think about them. i have nothing of myself to grab onto. i know better than to hold on to them. i know the mindless stupid pain that attachment brings. life is hard enough. i remember their faces telling me what to do. all that heat. another night. another freak-out. another life thrown into the abyss. i look inside. nothing. i wish for a signal to tell me, that i'm still alive. i wonder why i don't turn into a pyle of salt, and falls though the cracks in the floor. i wonder if any of me comes out with all that sweat. like maybe i sweat my brain out up there. i close my eyes and listen. i hear pieces of myself falling, and breaking at the bottom. i'm hollow. a shell. a name for someone to call. i hear the black wings of loneliness beating overhead. i see despair coming over, waving and smiling. i send despair packing. i shoot loneliness down and stomp on it's frail body. i come back to myself. it takes longer as the years go by. these people don't realize what they are seeing. they think they are getting entertained. if they knew how real all this was they'd be turned off. beware of the drains. here they come. smiling, hands out-stretched. they wanna test your stamina. they will see what you got, and how long you'll stand up for the test. you wear the leeches. the eyes. they look like you could move in for a while. they look friendly. like you could get close. beware of the trap. don't allow your perception to destroy you. the best intend can tear you to shreds. and leave you bloodless. thoughtless. nowhere. you wanna attach. to leech someone for a while. for a night. for a few lifeless hours. someone to listen to. it doesn't matter what they are saying. as long as they are saying it to you. you need to put the bite on someone and hold on for as long as it takes you to get you what you need. call it whatever you want. maybe it's ugly. well okay. the world is an ugly place. it doesn't understand any's anything. never did. so where are the leeches tonight? maybe there is one in the mirror. walking around, dazed and wounded. is there anyone alive outhere tonight? i hear rain falling. i hear cars passing. i see shapes moving, but i can't be sure. i have a rotten reaccuring feeling that rips through me. a desperate longing, for what i don't know. i walk, thinking that it might come to me. that i might me able to get my hands around it's throat and strangle it. i wanna kill it, because it wants to kill me. i say kill all the enemies in my brain. the monster stalks the streets in search of itself. regret? i kill that guy. despair? shoot him. loneliness? come forward, i wanna disfigure you. i wanna turn you on yourself and make you see what you do to people. i want you to see the blood and the anger. i want you to feel the sullen lump that finds itself in my throat when you come in. i wanna lock you up in solitary and watch you destroy yourself. and i'm gonna make sure you go out as slow as possible. i want you to taste every drop. and you are gonna find out what hell is really like. you are going to see what you do to people. and to make things as bad as i can, i'm gonna give you little breaks from yourself. i'll give you shotsglasses full of the finest companienship. i'll get you hooked. and when all you want is the next fix. i'm gonna cut you off. and you'll be left alone with yourself. and then you'll know the pain that we all know. you'll scream like we all scream. you will feel the pain. and i don't know if you will be able to survive yourself. well that's a terrifying thought isn't it? well good. we all go through it. now is your turn. yeah well, i can't find any of those fuckers tonight, so i just keep walking. i walk the dark streets. the dark thoughts. the dark minds. the dark depts. i look for a way to get rid of the poison. it seems like i can confront myself all day long, but i can't go from there. confrontation takes little thought. i've always been go at the things that takes a little thought. sure you can confront, but what you do next, that's what tells you what you are. the human experience can make you every stupid name in the book. i try to not let the human experience make an ass out of me more than 3 to 5 times a day. have you ever tried to out-run yourself? loose yourself in a crowd? hide from yourself in the stall of a bathroom? take on a new attitude to fool youself in to thinking that you are someone else? me too. same thing everytime. at the end it's always you holding on to yourself. out of breath, self-humiliated, hot-footed, red-handed and hopelessly human. i fnd such emptiness in your tellyvision shopping eyes. if i had a heart to break, i swear you'll break it. how far has one to go, before the pain falls away? i don't wanna shot myself in the head anymore. i'm tired of all that money business. i'm tired of my brain. i wanna remove parts. i wanna burn parts out. do you get tired of the language they speak and the things that they do? me too. they shove dirt into my thoughts. i can't wait for the sun to go down today. i can come out at night. i can loose myself at night. walk and forget. walk and unload. i can't make words work. if i can say the right thing to you, maybe you can tell me what it is that's killing me. i wouldn't mind it, if you safed me. i'm sure someone would hold it against you. turn it on you. trying to take all your good, and ram it in your guts so hard that the whole world turn black. and all you could see is scar-tissue. i think of you a lot. i think of youy and me walking along at a parking-lot at night. our shoulders rubbing against each other as we listen to our voices. we are both damaged and beautiful. we know the order of order in the order of disorder. we both been hunted and merely destroyd by the weaklings with big ideas. we know the night. i was hoping that you would turn out to be strong. stronger than i had ever thought possible. i was hoping you would be able to safe me. that you would be able to stop time for a second. that you would be able to make a miracle happen and show me. that you would take the pain away. that you would deflate me. fold me up. put me in your pocket, and use me later. hack, chew and spit. you've got to get them out of your life. they will hunt you till the end of your days. they will make you wanna die. it's a bad price to pay. if i could have a bullet for everytime mother and father wanted to make me die, i would have enough to slaugther every pig who needed it. i don't wanna be one. it is not my content for humanity that keeps me from being a father. it's the word. i'm a lot of bad things, you hear waht all the little shitheads have to say. but a father? i never wanna be a father. all i wanna do is fight and kill mine. i wanna engage him in combat. i wanna make him make me fight for my life. i wanna take his life so i can live-out what is left of mine. i deny myself life by not killing him. i think he wants me too. i can feel it in my fist like thought. you have to get away from them. i hope they don't hurt you. i hope they didn't fuck you up. i wish they had let your mind free years before you had to rip it from their grasp. think about it. rekcone the damage done. don't do it all at once, the explosion might stop traffic. i wish you well on your trip. life is boring and short. the process is hard. leave scars. and then just leaves.
look it's a monster! he's walking alone. look! he's pulling something out of his pocket. he threw it on the ground. let's go see what it is. it's a black box. you open it! whoa!!! it's sorrow, misery and pain. it's loneliness and longing. boy, he'll be sorry he lost these.
i've tried some stupid things in my time. gone through extremes in trying to get away from things in my head that i knew was trying to kill me. hard to swallow when you see yourself as the enemy. only you could put yourself through this. i've tried to ignore myself. failing miserably everytime. have you ever fallen in on yourself? like you are the cold mind and the minor? happens all the time to me. i sit alone after a show. i smell their cigarette smoke in my hair. a ringing roar in my ears. i look at the floor and think about them. i have nothing of myself to grab onto. i know better than to hold on to them. i know the mindless stupid pain that attachment brings. life is hard enough. i remember their faces telling me what to do. all that heat. another night. another freak-out. another life thrown into the abyss. i look inside. nothing. i wish for a signal to tell me, that i'm still alive. i wonder why i don't turn into a pyle of salt, and falls though the cracks in the floor. i wonder if any of me comes out with all that sweat. like maybe i sweat my brain out up there. i close my eyes and listen. i hear pieces of myself falling, and breaking at the bottom. i'm hollow. a shell. a name for someone to call. i hear the black wings of loneliness beating overhead. i see despair coming over, waving and smiling. i send despair packing. i shoot loneliness down and stomp on it's frail body. i come back to myself. it takes longer as the years go by. these people don't realize what they are seeing. they think they are getting entertained. if they knew how real all this was they'd be turned off. beware of the drains. here they come. smiling, hands out-stretched. they wanna test your stamina. they will see what you got, and how long you'll stand up for the test. you wear the leeches. the eyes. they look like you could move in for a while. they look friendly. like you could get close. beware of the trap. don't allow your perception to destroy you. the best intend can tear you to shreds. and leave you bloodless. thoughtless. nowhere. you wanna attach. to leech someone for a while. for a night. for a few lifeless hours. someone to listen to. it doesn't matter what they are saying. as long as they are saying it to you. you need to put the bite on someone and hold on for as long as it takes you to get you what you need. call it whatever you want. maybe it's ugly. well okay. the world is an ugly place. it doesn't understand any's anything. never did. so where are the leeches tonight? maybe there is one in the mirror. walking around, dazed and wounded. is there anyone alive outhere tonight? i hear rain falling. i hear cars passing. i see shapes moving, but i can't be sure. i have a rotten reaccuring feeling that rips through me. a desperate longing, for what i don't know. i walk, thinking that it might come to me. that i might me able to get my hands around it's throat and strangle it. i wanna kill it, because it wants to kill me. i say kill all the enemies in my brain. the monster stalks the streets in search of itself. regret? i kill that guy. despair? shoot him. loneliness? come forward, i wanna disfigure you. i wanna turn you on yourself and make you see what you do to people. i want you to see the blood and the anger. i want you to feel the sullen lump that finds itself in my throat when you come in. i wanna lock you up in solitary and watch you destroy yourself. and i'm gonna make sure you go out as slow as possible. i want you to taste every drop. and you are gonna find out what hell is really like. you are going to see what you do to people. and to make things as bad as i can, i'm gonna give you little breaks from yourself. i'll give you shotsglasses full of the finest companienship. i'll get you hooked. and when all you want is the next fix. i'm gonna cut you off. and you'll be left alone with yourself. and then you'll know the pain that we all know. you'll scream like we all scream. you will feel the pain. and i don't know if you will be able to survive yourself. well that's a terrifying thought isn't it? well good. we all go through it. now is your turn. yeah well, i can't find any of those fuckers tonight, so i just keep walking. i walk the dark streets. the dark thoughts. the dark minds. the dark depts. i look for a way to get rid of the poison. it seems like i can confront myself all day long, but i can't go from there. confrontation takes little thought. i've always been go at the things that takes a little thought. sure you can confront, but what you do next, that's what tells you what you are. the human experience can make you every stupid name in the book. i try to not let the human experience make an ass out of me more than 3 to 5 times a day. have you ever tried to out-run yourself? loose yourself in a crowd? hide from yourself in the stall of a bathroom? take on a new attitude to fool youself in to thinking that you are someone else? me too. same thing everytime. at the end it's always you holding on to yourself. out of breath, self-humiliated, hot-footed, red-handed and hopelessly human. i fnd such emptiness in your tellyvision shopping eyes. if i had a heart to break, i swear you'll break it. how far has one to go, before the pain falls away? i don't wanna shot myself in the head anymore. i'm tired of all that money business. i'm tired of my brain. i wanna remove parts. i wanna burn parts out. do you get tired of the language they speak and the things that they do? me too. they shove dirt into my thoughts. i can't wait for the sun to go down today. i can come out at night. i can loose myself at night. walk and forget. walk and unload. i can't make words work. if i can say the right thing to you, maybe you can tell me what it is that's killing me. i wouldn't mind it, if you safed me. i'm sure someone would hold it against you. turn it on you. trying to take all your good, and ram it in your guts so hard that the whole world turn black. and all you could see is scar-tissue. i think of you a lot. i think of youy and me walking along at a parking-lot at night. our shoulders rubbing against each other as we listen to our voices. we are both damaged and beautiful. we know the order of order in the order of disorder. we both been hunted and merely destroyd by the weaklings with big ideas. we know the night. i was hoping that you would turn out to be strong. stronger than i had ever thought possible. i was hoping you would be able to safe me. that you would be able to stop time for a second. that you would be able to make a miracle happen and show me. that you would take the pain away. that you would deflate me. fold me up. put me in your pocket, and use me later. hack, chew and spit. you've got to get them out of your life. they will hunt you till the end of your days. they will make you wanna die. it's a bad price to pay. if i could have a bullet for everytime mother and father wanted to make me die, i would have enough to slaugther every pig who needed it. i don't wanna be one. it is not my content for humanity that keeps me from being a father. it's the word. i'm a lot of bad things, you hear waht all the little shitheads have to say. but a father? i never wanna be a father. all i wanna do is fight and kill mine. i wanna engage him in combat. i wanna make him make me fight for my life. i wanna take his life so i can live-out what is left of mine. i deny myself life by not killing him. i think he wants me too. i can feel it in my fist like thought. you have to get away from them. i hope they don't hurt you. i hope they didn't fuck you up. i wish they had let your mind free years before you had to rip it from their grasp. think about it. rekcone the damage done. don't do it all at once, the explosion might stop traffic. i wish you well on your trip. life is boring and short. the process is hard. leave scars. and then just leaves.
VIEW 6 of 6 COMMENTS
mere:
I'm glad to hear that
clio:
thank you