I'm in one of those moods where I am pissed off and just don't give a fuck what anyone thinks. Well, I'm always pissed off, but generally, I attempt to keep others out of it.
At what point do you realize that the only person you'll ever be number one to is yourself? When you've put everyone else ahead of your own happiness, and suddenly realize, that no one does the same for you. It's heartbreaking and enraging at the same time. But old habits die hard. And even though you are now fully aware of your place and where you stand with others, how do you break away from that instinct to continue to put them ahead of you? You want to work on yourself, to find what makes you happy, move somewhere that inspires you rather than oppresses you, build the foundation for self-preservation. But you know tomorrow when you've got a fresh start, your first thought won't be you, it will be them. How do you break away from that?
Does it mean to stop caring? To stop loving so deeply?
Maybe I missed out on some life lesson. I've been through so much shit, just like everyone else. I have survived on my own. You would think the one person I am capable of nourishing would be me. Maybe it is an act of self-preservation: sustain others to sustain myself?
Deep thoughts for a Saturday, I suppose. I have a wedding to shoot today, someone else's love story. Maybe some insight will be had.
Any advice on living for yourself and not others would be greatly appreciated though.
<3 <3
