tawainai

Seekers and peekers,

I have officially submitted the set. And nooow....we wait. *sighs*



My kidney doctor had me pee in a giant jug for 24 hours and do all these blood tests. That was more fun than i could stand. Training myself to not hop on the toilet but instead, run for the fridge to precisely aim my slit over a much smaller hole is hours of fun-filled excitement. I was so sad to have to turn over my jug yesterday morning. Those were some good times... *tear*



For those who were wondering, i collect douche bottles.



Some of the nurses at the lab were chodes. When i rolled my sleeve up for the serious beating my arm was about to take, one nurse gasps in horror. "Ohhhh my god. Your arm so so tiny!." I am very much used to this comment whenever it's time to get a shot. I'm also very much used to being the guinea pig for large groups of med students. I remember peeking at my chart and noticed it read that I was "pleasant" which may be the reason they think I don't seem to mind. As i recall, people DIE FIRST before they donate their own bodies completely to science right?





Nursing student lost my vein about 5 times. I really don't have a problem with that because she is not the first to experience this, but she blamed me as if i intentionally shifted my veins. "Lost the vein again. This time, i need you to sit completely still. I'm gonna have to stick ya again. Don't make no kinda sense" In between, she actually ran to make a phone call on her cell to talk to her boyfriend. That's when she really began to fuck up. she couldn't remember what tests were getting ran because the phone that was glued to her ear, was distracting her. So over and over, she keeps asking " You pee in da cup yet?" I pissed in a fucking JUG! Can't you see the huge bright orange bottle sitting next you? I didn't bring you a complimentary quart of apple juice! She finally comes to a standstill.

The picture below is of me catching Alfie before he took a dive into the toilet. Gotcha you little bastard!



I know this because her eyes glazed over as she stared into the computer screen ,like my cat when he sees me open a can of tuna.

She then begins to complain that she was not prepared to be giving me a blood test and to have to handle a jug of waste. Well I is so sorry. I wasn't prepared to have to deal with a crash course dummy in scrubs, but that's what they gave me. Damned insurance...



She huffs and puffs and makes the oh so difficult 2 steps to a box of latex gloves to take the bottle of urine which i worked damn hard on producing. I'm pretty sure she didn't know where she was going and probably flushed it, leaving it my problem. I'll probably be getting a call later this week requesting that i come pee for them again. I don't blame them. My urine is liquid gold baby. I know those pervs enjoy listening to it hit cold hard plastic. Lol.



After i told everyone to suck my spike at the lab, i had to hurry off to my doc's office for a checkup. He is about the coolest doctor i have ever had. He's so smart, all i have to do is fart, and he can tell me whether or not i'd been consuming optimum amounts of fiber. He's also the one who liberally supplies my vicodin collection (which is growing). Tim was with me the first time i'd met him to witness to him about my pain episodes, and we both tried to stop him from prescribing it to me. But he replied in his cool Indian voice, "Vi-co-din- is uh better." He is so gangster! Ha!



I'm sitting on the table for only 3 seconds. (he's never made me wait) He comes in and gets to the biz. He asks me whats wrong and i tell him. There is no "are you sure?" bullshit that comes with it. He listens to his patients. After i explain to him that i'm still in crappy shape, he comes up and gives me his left hook in my back. I cry out in pain. He apologizes. "We do that to see if the patients are experiencing any flank tissue pain in their kidneys, which you obviously are. I'm very sorry" He orders that i take an antibiotic every day now for a month. I also must have a CT SCAN done to check for stones. He writes my scripts and i'm out of there. That is what i call strong medicine damnit!



I've always said i was going to search far and wide for a bowtie for my cat Alfie. He has a tuxedo coat which is so badass. I almost went ahead and changed his name to James Bond. I have found the tie. It is black and spectacular. It came with this huge bell so he can't even creep up on my ass and pounce like he used to lol. Ha! He put up a pretty rough fight when I was struggling to take these pictures so some may be blurry. I apologize.



Lately, Tim has been formulating some very interesting dialougue to describe some the world's weirdos. I vowed to him that because i found all of these words extremely humorous, i'd dedicate a wall of quotes to him. Please feel free to give me a shout of words, you believe should be added to the list and over weeks, I will fill the wall up with words that Moses's ass should have been carrying with him on the tablets.

Before we start, I also would like to show off my Tim's skill at the art of photoshop. For those whom are dedicated Howard Stern listeners, you all know about the famous "Sal" and his closeted gayness. He is probably more gay than Elton John but uses his wife and children as pawns to hide himself. There's nothing more depressing than someone who is ashamed of who they are and play pretend games. I fucking LOVE gay people!! They helped me through rough times in high school when i had NO ONE. I owe them my life. I wish he would just come out already. Sal is known for tea-bagging his co-stars and much more. Poor bastard came in to work the other day sporting his new bicep tattoo which depicts a silhouette of him and only his children skipping merrily into the shadows. One good question brought up was "uhh...where's your wife in the tattoo?" People around the country have been joining hand in hand photoshopping his tattoo as a joke. It looks to me like a "Save the Children" foundation logo. Here's the original version:



And here is Tim beautifully illustrating a trapped man:



Now i hope that no one takes offense to that. It is definitely not an attack on anyone who is homosexual, bi, gay, or straight. Tawainai loves all, not some.


And now for the wall of quotes!!

WALL OF QUOTES

"asstache":- a simile word to describe Jamie Hyneman of the Discovery channel's "Mythbusters" ridiculous mustache.


With love of none other,
T