tattoosnscrews

...Is happiness only a word used by those who once knew of it, or to those who are hoping to find it? Things in my life have been so unorganized lately that I've lost everything that once meant anything to me. I can only blame myself for this, I was the one who wished for the tables to be turned, and in doing so I was left to face the harsh reality of who I really am. I once thought I was a great person with much to offer, although, I have come to terms with the fact that I am no better than anyone else. When the tarot cards are placed on the table you will find a picture of me next to the fool. I know everybody is sick and tired of hearing me cry about everything that is wrong, waiting for me to say something good or even monumentally great. Unfortunately, the only thing I know how to talk about anymore is loss and how it has effected me. I'm sure most of you could care less about what I have to say, but it would feel good knowing that I wasn't alone.

...For the past month or so I have been going out more in the hopes of finding this happiness people speak of. I didn't know where I would find it, maybe from another person, maybe from a certain atmosphere or location. I never once knew that the happiness I would find would be at the bottom of a bottle of Tequila. For once I was happy and carefree, away from all the problems in my life, away from the reality of my pain, a "perfect escape" so to speak. It was great. I mean think about it, the mathematical equation of this couldn't be anymore perfect. Get Upset, Drink, Feel Better. Feeling Lonely, Drink, Feel Better. Fighting with someone you care about, Drink, Feel Better. Depressed, Drink, Feel Better. It worked on so many levels, in no time I was drinking everyday, thinking that every problem would eventually disappear. Was I creating my problems Just to drink, or was it exactly what I thought it was, just unlucky in life? Whatever the case, it really doesn't matter anymore, I have already lost enough in my life to give a shit. Last night I finally realized something, I am a fucking alcoholic and I don't care anymore. I lost the last person I have ever let into my heart and in doing so I realized that there is no reason to open up anymore. If happiness is at the bottom of a bottle of Tequila, then pour me another mother fucking round bartender!

...I miss the one I truly loved, I miss her so much it hurts everywhere. I once woke up thinking about her and how great it would be to be inside her arms. Now the only thing I can think about is how I will never feel that again from her. She was so beautiful, her heart was so warm and her voice gave me chills. I revolved my life around her, hoping that one day her and I could be together like some stupid and cheesy love story. I fell inlove with everything about her from her mind to her heart. She was the first woman I ever truly let in to me. I still feel her lingering inside, I still smell her on everything I touch. I know I have to forget about her, move on and just give up on the fantasy that she was the one, but it's so hard. It is so difficult excepting the fact that the person you hoped to be your friend, significant other, lover, wife & soulmate is nothing more than a memory. I wish she had never left my side, I wish her and I were still at our special spot keeping each other warm, I wish I could kiss her lips once more. I need to stop this, I am only hurting myself. Its never going to happen, and once again I am the fool for thinking it will. When I close my eyes to dream, I still see you. I will always love you and be waiting on our little island for you. I am sorry for everything. If I could turn back the hands of time, I would never have let get on back on that train.

There must be something you can recommend.
I've lost my faith in man again
So sick of trying to pretend.
Same pain over and over again
How much longer do you think we'll stand.
So little left here to live for
By the time my life is at its end.

I want it back one more time
Let me try one more time.
Live my life one more time
We never seem ready for this

It keeps on haunting me day after day.
Am I going about things the right way
Which truth's to pass and with which truth's to say
It's all so hard I'm just so damn afraid
Had about as much as I can take.
So little left here to live for
By the time my life is at its end.
I'll want it back

I need the chance to live my life one more time
Give me the chance to live my life one more time

...If I could turn back the hands of time, I would have prepared myself for failure, love, pain, solitude and depression. I would have prepared myself for the doctors verdict and how to handle it. I would have prepared myself to live. I would have prepared myself to die. I have decided that I am not going to go to the doctors appointment for tests and such, instead, I am going to do what I do best, hide in my fucking shell! Some people will think I am a fool, some people will say how much I have to live for, some people will say I'm giving up, some people will say anything. There was only one thing that anyone has ever said to me that meant anything, "Don't listen to what other people have to say, if it feels right, than it is!" My decision feels right. So in the event I wither away, remember me for yesterday and not today.


"No, 'tis not so deep as a well, nor so wide as a church door; but 'tis enough, 'twill serve. Ask for me to-morrow and you shall find me a grave man. I am peppered, I warrant, for this world. A plague o'both your houses!"


Stay Metal Chickens \m/\m/

T............N..............S............
Tattooed N Screwed Superstar