Confessions Whispered Under Fire
The most Honest entry ever written.
... Well, as prescribed by a good friend of mine, using my own words against me, it was recently stated that the only way to get passed my problems is to write. So here I am, writing. Chances are most of you wont even read this all. If you do on the other hand, you will learn a lot more about me than you may have wanted to know. Either way, Im still writing. I hope if anything, someone out there may hold a bit of advice for me in my current situations. I do believe I dont possess the strength anymore to get through this crazy thing called life by myself.
Survey Say's: No More Mr. Nice Guy.
I think Ill start off last night and work my way back. I went out with some friends of mine to club Shampoo in Philadelphia last night. I needed a break from reality, and the thought of Green Apple Martinis and some 80s Goth/industrial scenery made me smile. So after some convincing from my good friend X, I said, Fuck it, lets boogie! Things were pretty much rushed at my house prior to leaving. I was in charge of doing hair and makeup for some friends. It took me forever to get everything ready; by the time I started getting myself ready, I was tired as hell! Although, I did dye my hair blue!
Ok, lets skip through all the bullshit and get to the point. I get to the club, dressed up and decked out. I see some folks I know from my old job and hang with them. Drink some martinis. Got hit on by some crazy females, and ignored them in return. 12am mosh pit opens. I couldnt wait to get in it. I needed to let off some aggression in a big way, and I figured what better way then a pit. So, I get in the pit and after 2 minutes of being in it, I get pulled out and was told to Go downstairs and cool off! for being to Violent. What the fuck? I hate Learners Pits. Needless to say I was pissed off by this. I mean, its a fucking mosh pit, not a sewing circle! So I did what any person would do in a situation like this. I got another 2 shots of Jose Cuervo and tried to calm down.
An hour or two passes by and Im still pissed and agitated. I noticed an uncomfortable situation between my friend X and this condescending little Marine-boy who had previously threatened my friend. So, I spent the rest of my night observing Marine-boys movements, staying close to him and waiting for the right moment to state my case. So as Im drinking my third Martini after 5 or so shots of Cuervo and a few beers I realized that I really didnt like this asshole. Well, the bar closed at 2 am, I walked out with a group of friends and just waited. My friends knew something was on my mind, but I didnt make it a point to state the obvious. All of a sudden, I look up and there is Marine-boy, I had a set of key sticking out of each knuckle of a clinched fist and was ready for anything.
. I stood around for a moment watching his movements more. I watched him walk to his car, and for a moment I had decided to let it go. Although, something inside me wasnt having it, I walked over to his car and taped on his glass. He rolled down his window and smiled at me. I looked him dead in his face and said, You know youre an asshole, and if you ever in your life act like an asshole in front of me again Im going to break your fucking face. Well, I guess he didnt like that because out of the car he came. Without giving him a chance to get on both feet I hit him across his nose causing a small blood stream to scatter across my knuckles. I then grabbed him by the throat and continued hitting him in the back of the neck with the keys that I had clinched in my fist. I continued hitting him harder and harder, thinking of everyone who had hurt me and fucked me over. I didnt stop; I just kept going till I could only see red. I almost had him to the ground when I was abruptly pulled off him by some of the Shampoo bouncers who slammed my face into a chain link fence, and began to get into my face. So what did I do? I got into theirs until they let me go.
I guess I had a lot of built up hostility and aggression and decided to take it out on a Marine. The ride back was full of adrenaline and tension, and of course hostility from my end for losing one of my best contacts. I think that pissed me off the most. Who the fuck needs Anger Management when there are enough assholes in the world to let out your aggression on? Needles to say I dont think I will be allowed in the club next week.
... I remembered one thing later on as we were driving. The whole time I was hitting him, he was reaching for a bag. I had wondered what could have been so important in that bag as he was getting the beating of his life. I later found out he carries a knife and a gun with him at all times. I guess it was not my night to die, otherwise he would have opened the bag before I cracked his skull.
Love and Pain, Who Really Fucking Cares?
The insiders view to my dysfunctional love life
I met a special woman sometime back, a woman who turned my heart as well as my head. She became the greatest person to ever walk into my life and ultimately the most difficult as well. Even with saying that, I still fell inlove with her. She had become my angel, my muse and my reason for survival. The first time I heard her say the words, I love youI cried. It was the most beautiful sound in the world. I was at a loss for words, and my heart eventually found hope again.
Every moment we spent together only got better. The minutes seemed like hours and her kisses felt like raindrops. I fell in love with her mind, I fell in love with her heart and I fell in love with her soul. She was everything I could have ever dreamt. She was the reason why flowers bloomed for young lovers to give to their sweethearts. I believed every word she said, I trusted every single thought she had, and I listened to every dream she spoke of. It was great, and was is the key word in this sentence.
We started off in a long distance relationship only to end in broken promises and words easily misused and trashed. I thought everything between her and I was great, I thought it was wonderful, I thought it was too good to be true... and I was right. She slowly but surely started to show her indecisive side. One minute wanting to move in together, the next forgetting about the idea, one moment she is packed and ready to leave, the next miraculously she is unpacked. During our whole relationship she rose and dropped my hopes so many times to the point where I asked her to please not tell me shes leaving, only tell me when she has gotten to where she has to get to. She promised she wouldnt do it again, only to break that promise as quick as she made it. She called me telling me, Im moving, I know you told me not to tell you ... but I wanted you to know how serious this is. I believed her, selling almost everything I owned to have money to move with her. After I finally sold everything, she called me to tell me she was going to stay again. Once again I felt like an asshole
Every time we got into an argument that left me hurt, I still swore I wouldnt give up on her. Every time she had her doubts if she was ready to be with me, I still swore I wouldnt give up on her. Every time she broke up with me, only to call me back and say she didnt want to be without me, I still swore I wouldnt give up on her. Every time she broke my heart, every time she broke a promise and every time she left me stranded alone in confusion, I still swore I would never give up on her. And I didnt. I kept my word. I stayed. I held on. I stayed strong. I showed her how much I loved her; I showed her how much I would never hurt her. Recently she stopped talking to me for a few days, once again I was confused. Finally she called me to apologize, and I asked her why does she do these things to me, and she explained, Im afraid, Im scared all of the men I have been with started off nice and sweet, and then turned into an asshole. I sat there listening in amazement. I couldnt believe it, after all I had been through, after all the hoops I had jumped though, after all the thousands of ways I tried to prove to her I would never hurt her, she was still scared. Finally after all this, after all the patience, confusion, and strength she tells me, I dont think Im ready for this. One day she wants me the next day she doesnt. I finally said Goodbye and told her if she really ever loved me its her time to prove it. I hung up the phone and have been crying since. Why do the good guys always have to feel like shit?
She told me she loved me. She told me she wanted me. She told me she cared. She told me she wouldnt hurt me. She told me everything would be ok. She told me to be happy. She told me I was her one and only. She told me had never been as happy as she was with me. She told me so much, and showed me that I was nothing but a stupid sucker. Why do I believe in a thing called Love? Why do I always end up hurt? Can anyone answer this!?!?!
My friends and family told me to stop talking to her; she was only playing mind games. They told me so much that I eventually just flipped on them. I lost a few friends because I so wanted them to be wrong when they said, She doesnt love you. Or, Shes only going to hurt you. I lost so much. I lost friends, I lost my heart, I lost my soul, and I lost my sanity. I lost her. After all this, I still love her. After all this I am still in love with her. I still hope she would somehow conquer her fears and make me feel wanted. Although, I know its never going to happen. I was living in a fantasy. I can only blame myself for listening to my heart. Ill miss you Lulu Sunshine, but I wont miss the lies and the pain. If you want me prove it because Im done trying
Will TNS be alive for Christmas Vacation?
The Surgeon General is the Smokers Grim Reaper
... So here we go with another installment to this entry that will shock some of you. I was recently forced to go to the Doctors/ER, due to breathing complications. I lost my breath and nearly blacked out. I thought I was having a panic attack, but I was later informed that it was a little more than that. Im sure my high stress level hasnt helped matters either.
When I went in to the ER I was hit with a series of things and asked questions about my physical health. Beginning with wheezing, Shortness of breath, hoarseness, coughing up blood, swelling in the neck and face, Difficulty swallowing, Weight loss and loss of appetite, Increasing fatigue and weakness, Recurring respiratory infections, such as pneumonia. So on and so forth. After dealing with numerous questions and other medical bullshit, it was off to get a chest x-ray.
...Well, to make a long story short, I have lump on my lunge. Yay for me! Its my own fault for even starting to smoke in the first place. Next up I was told not to smoke, so of course since then I have been smoking even more. So now I have to go back for something called a Computed tomography. Its a procedure where a long needle is inserted through the chest wall to remove a lung tissue sample.
I havent even told my family yet, and Im already telling the SG world. I dont want to make her upset if it is nothing; then again if it is something then I will talk to her. I had a friend bring me to the ER the last time, and he will be bringing me back for this test too. Thats if I decide to go back. Im a little scared, and at the same time Im like Fuck it! What do I have to loose anyway, let fate take care of it!
Since everything that has been going on, I have been drinking a lot more than I ever have, and I do believe I am slowly becoming an alcoholic. Since everything with the lady, the doctors and just the stress of the world, I have been drinking everyday. I even found myself doing shots of Tequila for lunch today. All I do now is stress, cry, sleep, drink and cry some more. Im just falling the fuck apart. Ill be lucky if I live another year.
If you have made it this far, you deserve a medal. I doubt I will have anything to top this post ever. All I can say is, lets hope fate helps me. If not, lets hope that The Reaper takes me.
Goodnight All.... And Be well.
Seeya Later Chickens
T............N..............S............
Tattooed N Screwed Superstar
PS. I was recently offered a job that would involve me traveling for 2 months. I have to figure out by next week if I want to take the job. The offer becomes null and void after next Friday. A month ago, I would have probably said no, although, life has changed drastically and now I'm not sure.
I'm Stronger than That! I'm Stronger Than This!
Lost in time, forgetting about the source. Lost where I stand, aggressed, oppressed, disgusted and twisted. Left where I stand, without any demand, left a hallow man. My fists have become my reason to let loose, my hate has become my reason to clinch my fists and the pain has caused the hate, that has clinched my fists, to let loose .... to let loose on anything, on anyone, for any reason. Is it hunting season? Is it worth any thought, is it worth the time I remain lost in. I don't care anymore, and there is nothing left to loose. Nothing left to gain. Is it a shame? Is it a game? Is your face so fucking pretty when it's filled with pain? I'm standing, you can kill me but you will never knock me over. When I die, bury me with my middle fingers raised high, so I can leave with the last word when you can only say good-bye. You can't take what I don't have. You can't kill what's already dead. You can't erase what hasn't been written. You can't hurt me. My rage has been let out of it's cage. For far to long it's slept, and has been force fed. Fed pain, fed heartache, fed confusion, fed destruction, fed obstruction, fed obsession, fed power, fed time in seconds, minutes and hours. Hate is only a word, an action is more powerful than the whole entire dictionary, so hate is still only a word. My actions speak louder than that. My actions will scream louder than that. MY ACTIONS WILL BE STRONGER THAN THAT! Love, Hate, Sadness, Depression, Happiness, Boredom, Confusion .... Self Fucking Destruction, Self Fucking Construction, Self Masturbation, Self Control, Self Efficient, SELF, SELF, SELF, SELF, For my fucking self! Hate is only a word, an action is more powerful then the whole entire dictionary, so hate is still only a word. My actions speak louder than that. My actions will scream louder than that. MY ACTIONS WILL BE STRONGER THAN THAT!
The most Honest entry ever written.
... Well, as prescribed by a good friend of mine, using my own words against me, it was recently stated that the only way to get passed my problems is to write. So here I am, writing. Chances are most of you wont even read this all. If you do on the other hand, you will learn a lot more about me than you may have wanted to know. Either way, Im still writing. I hope if anything, someone out there may hold a bit of advice for me in my current situations. I do believe I dont possess the strength anymore to get through this crazy thing called life by myself.
Survey Say's: No More Mr. Nice Guy.
I think Ill start off last night and work my way back. I went out with some friends of mine to club Shampoo in Philadelphia last night. I needed a break from reality, and the thought of Green Apple Martinis and some 80s Goth/industrial scenery made me smile. So after some convincing from my good friend X, I said, Fuck it, lets boogie! Things were pretty much rushed at my house prior to leaving. I was in charge of doing hair and makeup for some friends. It took me forever to get everything ready; by the time I started getting myself ready, I was tired as hell! Although, I did dye my hair blue!
Ok, lets skip through all the bullshit and get to the point. I get to the club, dressed up and decked out. I see some folks I know from my old job and hang with them. Drink some martinis. Got hit on by some crazy females, and ignored them in return. 12am mosh pit opens. I couldnt wait to get in it. I needed to let off some aggression in a big way, and I figured what better way then a pit. So, I get in the pit and after 2 minutes of being in it, I get pulled out and was told to Go downstairs and cool off! for being to Violent. What the fuck? I hate Learners Pits. Needless to say I was pissed off by this. I mean, its a fucking mosh pit, not a sewing circle! So I did what any person would do in a situation like this. I got another 2 shots of Jose Cuervo and tried to calm down.
An hour or two passes by and Im still pissed and agitated. I noticed an uncomfortable situation between my friend X and this condescending little Marine-boy who had previously threatened my friend. So, I spent the rest of my night observing Marine-boys movements, staying close to him and waiting for the right moment to state my case. So as Im drinking my third Martini after 5 or so shots of Cuervo and a few beers I realized that I really didnt like this asshole. Well, the bar closed at 2 am, I walked out with a group of friends and just waited. My friends knew something was on my mind, but I didnt make it a point to state the obvious. All of a sudden, I look up and there is Marine-boy, I had a set of key sticking out of each knuckle of a clinched fist and was ready for anything.
. I stood around for a moment watching his movements more. I watched him walk to his car, and for a moment I had decided to let it go. Although, something inside me wasnt having it, I walked over to his car and taped on his glass. He rolled down his window and smiled at me. I looked him dead in his face and said, You know youre an asshole, and if you ever in your life act like an asshole in front of me again Im going to break your fucking face. Well, I guess he didnt like that because out of the car he came. Without giving him a chance to get on both feet I hit him across his nose causing a small blood stream to scatter across my knuckles. I then grabbed him by the throat and continued hitting him in the back of the neck with the keys that I had clinched in my fist. I continued hitting him harder and harder, thinking of everyone who had hurt me and fucked me over. I didnt stop; I just kept going till I could only see red. I almost had him to the ground when I was abruptly pulled off him by some of the Shampoo bouncers who slammed my face into a chain link fence, and began to get into my face. So what did I do? I got into theirs until they let me go.
I guess I had a lot of built up hostility and aggression and decided to take it out on a Marine. The ride back was full of adrenaline and tension, and of course hostility from my end for losing one of my best contacts. I think that pissed me off the most. Who the fuck needs Anger Management when there are enough assholes in the world to let out your aggression on? Needles to say I dont think I will be allowed in the club next week.
... I remembered one thing later on as we were driving. The whole time I was hitting him, he was reaching for a bag. I had wondered what could have been so important in that bag as he was getting the beating of his life. I later found out he carries a knife and a gun with him at all times. I guess it was not my night to die, otherwise he would have opened the bag before I cracked his skull.
Love and Pain, Who Really Fucking Cares?
The insiders view to my dysfunctional love life
I met a special woman sometime back, a woman who turned my heart as well as my head. She became the greatest person to ever walk into my life and ultimately the most difficult as well. Even with saying that, I still fell inlove with her. She had become my angel, my muse and my reason for survival. The first time I heard her say the words, I love youI cried. It was the most beautiful sound in the world. I was at a loss for words, and my heart eventually found hope again.
Every moment we spent together only got better. The minutes seemed like hours and her kisses felt like raindrops. I fell in love with her mind, I fell in love with her heart and I fell in love with her soul. She was everything I could have ever dreamt. She was the reason why flowers bloomed for young lovers to give to their sweethearts. I believed every word she said, I trusted every single thought she had, and I listened to every dream she spoke of. It was great, and was is the key word in this sentence.
We started off in a long distance relationship only to end in broken promises and words easily misused and trashed. I thought everything between her and I was great, I thought it was wonderful, I thought it was too good to be true... and I was right. She slowly but surely started to show her indecisive side. One minute wanting to move in together, the next forgetting about the idea, one moment she is packed and ready to leave, the next miraculously she is unpacked. During our whole relationship she rose and dropped my hopes so many times to the point where I asked her to please not tell me shes leaving, only tell me when she has gotten to where she has to get to. She promised she wouldnt do it again, only to break that promise as quick as she made it. She called me telling me, Im moving, I know you told me not to tell you ... but I wanted you to know how serious this is. I believed her, selling almost everything I owned to have money to move with her. After I finally sold everything, she called me to tell me she was going to stay again. Once again I felt like an asshole
Every time we got into an argument that left me hurt, I still swore I wouldnt give up on her. Every time she had her doubts if she was ready to be with me, I still swore I wouldnt give up on her. Every time she broke up with me, only to call me back and say she didnt want to be without me, I still swore I wouldnt give up on her. Every time she broke my heart, every time she broke a promise and every time she left me stranded alone in confusion, I still swore I would never give up on her. And I didnt. I kept my word. I stayed. I held on. I stayed strong. I showed her how much I loved her; I showed her how much I would never hurt her. Recently she stopped talking to me for a few days, once again I was confused. Finally she called me to apologize, and I asked her why does she do these things to me, and she explained, Im afraid, Im scared all of the men I have been with started off nice and sweet, and then turned into an asshole. I sat there listening in amazement. I couldnt believe it, after all I had been through, after all the hoops I had jumped though, after all the thousands of ways I tried to prove to her I would never hurt her, she was still scared. Finally after all this, after all the patience, confusion, and strength she tells me, I dont think Im ready for this. One day she wants me the next day she doesnt. I finally said Goodbye and told her if she really ever loved me its her time to prove it. I hung up the phone and have been crying since. Why do the good guys always have to feel like shit?
She told me she loved me. She told me she wanted me. She told me she cared. She told me she wouldnt hurt me. She told me everything would be ok. She told me to be happy. She told me I was her one and only. She told me had never been as happy as she was with me. She told me so much, and showed me that I was nothing but a stupid sucker. Why do I believe in a thing called Love? Why do I always end up hurt? Can anyone answer this!?!?!
My friends and family told me to stop talking to her; she was only playing mind games. They told me so much that I eventually just flipped on them. I lost a few friends because I so wanted them to be wrong when they said, She doesnt love you. Or, Shes only going to hurt you. I lost so much. I lost friends, I lost my heart, I lost my soul, and I lost my sanity. I lost her. After all this, I still love her. After all this I am still in love with her. I still hope she would somehow conquer her fears and make me feel wanted. Although, I know its never going to happen. I was living in a fantasy. I can only blame myself for listening to my heart. Ill miss you Lulu Sunshine, but I wont miss the lies and the pain. If you want me prove it because Im done trying
Will TNS be alive for Christmas Vacation?
The Surgeon General is the Smokers Grim Reaper
... So here we go with another installment to this entry that will shock some of you. I was recently forced to go to the Doctors/ER, due to breathing complications. I lost my breath and nearly blacked out. I thought I was having a panic attack, but I was later informed that it was a little more than that. Im sure my high stress level hasnt helped matters either.
When I went in to the ER I was hit with a series of things and asked questions about my physical health. Beginning with wheezing, Shortness of breath, hoarseness, coughing up blood, swelling in the neck and face, Difficulty swallowing, Weight loss and loss of appetite, Increasing fatigue and weakness, Recurring respiratory infections, such as pneumonia. So on and so forth. After dealing with numerous questions and other medical bullshit, it was off to get a chest x-ray.
...Well, to make a long story short, I have lump on my lunge. Yay for me! Its my own fault for even starting to smoke in the first place. Next up I was told not to smoke, so of course since then I have been smoking even more. So now I have to go back for something called a Computed tomography. Its a procedure where a long needle is inserted through the chest wall to remove a lung tissue sample.
I havent even told my family yet, and Im already telling the SG world. I dont want to make her upset if it is nothing; then again if it is something then I will talk to her. I had a friend bring me to the ER the last time, and he will be bringing me back for this test too. Thats if I decide to go back. Im a little scared, and at the same time Im like Fuck it! What do I have to loose anyway, let fate take care of it!
Since everything that has been going on, I have been drinking a lot more than I ever have, and I do believe I am slowly becoming an alcoholic. Since everything with the lady, the doctors and just the stress of the world, I have been drinking everyday. I even found myself doing shots of Tequila for lunch today. All I do now is stress, cry, sleep, drink and cry some more. Im just falling the fuck apart. Ill be lucky if I live another year.
If you have made it this far, you deserve a medal. I doubt I will have anything to top this post ever. All I can say is, lets hope fate helps me. If not, lets hope that The Reaper takes me.
Goodnight All.... And Be well.
Seeya Later Chickens
T............N..............S............
Tattooed N Screwed Superstar
PS. I was recently offered a job that would involve me traveling for 2 months. I have to figure out by next week if I want to take the job. The offer becomes null and void after next Friday. A month ago, I would have probably said no, although, life has changed drastically and now I'm not sure.
I'm Stronger than That! I'm Stronger Than This!
Lost in time, forgetting about the source. Lost where I stand, aggressed, oppressed, disgusted and twisted. Left where I stand, without any demand, left a hallow man. My fists have become my reason to let loose, my hate has become my reason to clinch my fists and the pain has caused the hate, that has clinched my fists, to let loose .... to let loose on anything, on anyone, for any reason. Is it hunting season? Is it worth any thought, is it worth the time I remain lost in. I don't care anymore, and there is nothing left to loose. Nothing left to gain. Is it a shame? Is it a game? Is your face so fucking pretty when it's filled with pain? I'm standing, you can kill me but you will never knock me over. When I die, bury me with my middle fingers raised high, so I can leave with the last word when you can only say good-bye. You can't take what I don't have. You can't kill what's already dead. You can't erase what hasn't been written. You can't hurt me. My rage has been let out of it's cage. For far to long it's slept, and has been force fed. Fed pain, fed heartache, fed confusion, fed destruction, fed obstruction, fed obsession, fed power, fed time in seconds, minutes and hours. Hate is only a word, an action is more powerful than the whole entire dictionary, so hate is still only a word. My actions speak louder than that. My actions will scream louder than that. MY ACTIONS WILL BE STRONGER THAN THAT! Love, Hate, Sadness, Depression, Happiness, Boredom, Confusion .... Self Fucking Destruction, Self Fucking Construction, Self Masturbation, Self Control, Self Efficient, SELF, SELF, SELF, SELF, For my fucking self! Hate is only a word, an action is more powerful then the whole entire dictionary, so hate is still only a word. My actions speak louder than that. My actions will scream louder than that. MY ACTIONS WILL BE STRONGER THAN THAT!
VIEW 7 of 7 COMMENTS
{{hugs to you}}
~butterfly