tattoosandwhores

I brought in the new year with a bang. I was passed out drunk and exhausted from crying for about two hours straight. I can't really tell you why I was so upset, but I can say it hit me like a brick. Literally winding me. I had a huge realization that here I was again... bringing in the new year... and AGAIN unhappy as fuck. Another shitty year had passed and it felt that only a smidgin had gotten better since last year. Why am I wasting my time here?

I threw up and yeah... did something I wish I could take back... it had been so long since I had done it. I talked with my sister through my snotty face and she managed to do something amazing... she made me smile. Drawing happy faces on my flushed feet was just fucking funny. I felt horrible knowing that she fears the day that she will come home and I will have followed through with it. Through my selfishness I have given her this fear. I think I got a bit more nauseous knowing it, but I am glad I do.

I was scared to be alone and I felt so un-welcome in any other circle but one. My old best pal. Depression. PES. I would have hated lying on that thin shitty mattress in a cold stale room but it seemed better than the alternative. I ended up passing out in my bed instead.

I am awake now, with only one message on my phone. I have no clue what happened with my boys, but I am sure they had a better night than me.

I promised my Mother today... "I am going to try this time... for me... to be happy this year." This may seem stupid and melodramatic to some, but it IS a big promise to me. I have to make an effort to be happy. If my body had controls the default would be set at Stupid Unhappy Bitch. This is where my shitty self esteem kicks in. "Oh I see... no one thinks I am worth a shit 'cause I am constantly un-happy." The one person who seemed to try, even though it wasn't for very long, will never be mine again. I am ok with that. Perhaps happy about that. I know he deserved better. But it also pisses me off because it does justify to me why I feel like I will always be alone.

So I am faced with a decision. Yes I am making this a decision since it IS mine to make. Since I didn't cry past midnight, since I have only been awake this new year for only half an hour... I am going to make THIS year a happy one. No I am not being ignorant here... I realize I will have some un happy moments. But this year will be different. Here are just a few things I know need to change:

1. Stop sleeping with guys who are otherwise taken. It just makes me feel like shit afterwards. They may not care, but I do.

2. Try something healthy for a change. Stop smoking, eat better, exercise, whatever. I am not trying to lose weight mind you... just feel better by starting from the inside.

3. Allow myself to be content with where I am even if its just for a day or two here and there. I constantly beat myself up, and I am never satisfied.

4. Make sex something sacred again. I am a horny cunt but I was able to control that while with my ex, so whats the difference now? I had my 4 or so years of no strings attached sex and it just seems childish and immature to me now. So why continue on that path? I want more, and I should allow myself to get it.

5. Find myself a friend. I do mean friend in the conventional way, but also in a new, more KARRIE necessary way. I do need a friend who will listen to my bullshit. Who will go with me to the cemetery and hug me while I snot on their shirt. Who will not seem ashamed to be in my presence. Who will smack me when I am getting depressed. If I don't have that or I feel like I can't do that with them, then what happened tonight happens. I recluse, and it just gets worse. Maybe this friend is already here and I just haven't tried it yet, and maybe this friend is a combination of all my friends. The difference now is I am allowing myself to test the waters a bit more than I have in the past.

6. Be ok with the fact that it will take a long time to rebuild that trust. But it is worth it. So be patient and take it slow.

It doesn't seem like much but for me these 6 things make my chest swell with fear. 6 simple things that could make my life better. At least I am trying. Otherwise I am just accepting to be this way forever... and I don't want to be this way for another second.

My thanks go out to all who sent me happy messages. To Cheech especially for the email. I wish I could grab all of you and bring you to Austin. I'd buy you all a round of beers. Thanks again.

OH! and bluevalentine, you are the sex and hotness of Austin... therefore you must hang out with me someday soon.