tattoosandwhores

I just recently went through all my entries in LJ... and I couldn't help but smile when I read this one. Is it really possible to inspire yourself?

Status of things...

I have come to the conclusion that I am growing up. As "R" took my hand tonight and rubbed it like a Grandmother would while saying these words... "You're growing up honey." I see my faults clearer than ever. Where did I fuck up? Am I really learning from my mistakes? Is learning shit the hard way really ok? What do I really want? What is my ultimate goal?

I felt bad saying how "old" I felt in the presence of someone 10 years my senior, but hey, I DO feel old. I am too old for another relationship like my last. I am too old to enter another relationship already knowing it won't last. I knew that when I started with him... and I just made myself forget it. I knew it was going to be really tough and probably a really bad idea, but I did it anyway. All so I could feel special, because he made me feel special. Something I didn't really get growing up. I don't need that validation from anyone anymore. I have dealt with those issues I had growing up, Mom and Dad passing away, the adoption, being blamed for my Mother's passing, the guilt, the loneliness of it all. I just wanted someone to love me. To hold me and make me feel safe. And what I didn't realize was that I needed to heal those old wounds before I sought that out with anyone. I thought I had... I truly did. But I should have known better. I still had that anger towards my Aunt and Uncle. That pure distaste for my past. It made it very hard to move towards something wonderful and great when I still had this anger inside me. Talking with my Aunt and Uncle over the past year or so has truly healed me. The Family Reunion was the best thing that ever could have happened to me. I feel as though I belong to something wonderful and great... and you know what? IT WILL ALWAYS BE THERE.

Mi Familia. I love them all. They have all done something for me that no one else ever could have done. They gave me unconditional love. They filled my heart with hope and joy. I am truly happy now. I don't harbor anger or hate. When I laugh.... even my friends have noticed it... I REALLY LAUGH! I smile and I can feel it all throughout my body. Sometimes I am so happy... I cry. Cheesy... but true... people do cry for joy, and it feels wonderful.

I am a strong individual. Given the shit I have dealt with throughout my short life... I have done quite well. I am no longer jealous of those who have that "perfect" life. I am proud to come from where I have.

I hate that depression grabs at my heart as often as it does, but over the past few years its hold is getting less strong by the day. I can't explain to anyone what its like to be depressed. And I don't mean the passing depression that lasts a couple months. I mean a depression that has lasted a lifetime. To feel comatose in your own home. To feel so little self worth you attempt suicide, even at the expense of hurting those around you. It is so irrational... so selfish... but you can't really talk shit until you have been there. Until you check yourself into a mental health facility where they make you open your mouth to make sure you took your meds. The feeling is all encompassing. Every move you make is weighed down by it. It's another world, and it is SO hard to wake up from that horrible dream.

I am ever attempting to discover myself. I want to help those around me. I love Social Work and the mission behind it. I love working for a non-profit. Everything I do has a positive affect on my surrounding community. "G" is a wonderful organization, and they have some absolutely inspiring people working there. I love it. I love art and music... I have always been a right side of the brain kinda gal. I paint every now and then... and I listen to music every chance I get. Creativity is definitely one of my strongest skills. I take advantage of this all the time. I love looking outside the box. I am re-discovering my love for reading. I love to read old greats such as Marlowe, Joyce, Kafka. There is so much more there now... reading it as an adult... then I ever saw as a teenager. It's remarkable how these people... back then... wrote about things that happen to me everyday. Humbling.

My pets are my babies. Sunshine will always be my spoiled brat and Tubbs will always be my best friend.

Vices... I act like a child when I don't get my way. I overreact to almost anything negative. I try really hard to be the everything for everyone when I really DO have a limit. I can be malicious if provoked. I am too damn dominant for my own good. A lot of things are still black and white to me. There is more... but this is getting depressing.

Good stuff... I am an awesome friend. I am awesome in Retail. I read people pretty well. I have a big heart. I am musically inclined. My laugh is contagious, and I have a great sense of humor. I can accomplish almost anything I set my mind to. I am a good person.

I guess this was my point. Self discovery has led me to this conclusion. I am a good person. I have always been a good person. I have my faults, just like everyone else... but I do something not everyone does... I work on them. As hard as it is to look at yourself in the mirror and see who you really are... I do it. So coming back to what Grandma "R" said tonight... I am growing up. I can see that now, clearer than ever. Look at me a year ago. And look at me now. Things have changed. And in my opinion... for the better.