My poor baby boy Pete had to go to A+E yesterday as he has tummy pains and was being sick, it turns out that he has a gastric infection and the hospital peeps couldn't give him anything to clear it up and they couldn't tell him how long it would last.
So today he's in bed, in pain and feeling sick, my poor baby
send lots of healing thoughts his way please!!
So something thats been playing on my mind recently is whether people ever get over their bad quirks, for instance in my case am I ever going to look at myself in the mirror and think wow I look pretty good or will I always try to avoid the mirrors and cry when i think of how I look when I go out? I know that the meds i'm on have made me a bit happier, but they can't make me not loathe myself. I don't know how I can change this about myself, I guess i could pretend i don't hate myself and try and block out the voices that yell mean things at me, but I don't want Pete to have to put up with this forever. hmm food for thought.
Another thing I've been thinking about is our company xmas party, because we've been taken over we will now have a giant combined xmas party in Cambridge with all the other premier related people, its supposed to be a huge, fabulous bash, but I'm not going. I can't i keep thinking about it and I keep having panic attacks. For starters there will be hundreds of people I don't know, secondly there will be loads of poeple I do know - all judging me. It is also miles away from home and we will have to catch a coach to get there, so what if I want to leave? I'm not going to be able to get a taxi unless I want to spend a ton and I don't want to wait at the train station in a party frock. Oh god then I'd have to wear a dress which will show off my chunkiness and then I'll ahve to wear make up that will be applied wrong, I just can't do it and if I did go I could stick with Tina who is almost a 'safe' person, but she wouldn't want to hang out with me all night, I'd drink, not dance, not talk, probably cry and sit in the corner. So to save myself any embarrassment I'm not going to go, I'll make up an excuse, then I'll listen to all the stories the next day and wonder if I could've coped and then the voices will tell me that I'm just stupid and fat and I don't deserve to go to parties which is why I didn't go.
Yup this blog is a mini insight to my crazy mind and thoughts, i havn't had a lot of sleep so all the bad stuff is on the surface, so sorry about that.
So today he's in bed, in pain and feeling sick, my poor baby
send lots of healing thoughts his way please!! So something thats been playing on my mind recently is whether people ever get over their bad quirks, for instance in my case am I ever going to look at myself in the mirror and think wow I look pretty good or will I always try to avoid the mirrors and cry when i think of how I look when I go out? I know that the meds i'm on have made me a bit happier, but they can't make me not loathe myself. I don't know how I can change this about myself, I guess i could pretend i don't hate myself and try and block out the voices that yell mean things at me, but I don't want Pete to have to put up with this forever. hmm food for thought.
Another thing I've been thinking about is our company xmas party, because we've been taken over we will now have a giant combined xmas party in Cambridge with all the other premier related people, its supposed to be a huge, fabulous bash, but I'm not going. I can't i keep thinking about it and I keep having panic attacks. For starters there will be hundreds of people I don't know, secondly there will be loads of poeple I do know - all judging me. It is also miles away from home and we will have to catch a coach to get there, so what if I want to leave? I'm not going to be able to get a taxi unless I want to spend a ton and I don't want to wait at the train station in a party frock. Oh god then I'd have to wear a dress which will show off my chunkiness and then I'll ahve to wear make up that will be applied wrong, I just can't do it and if I did go I could stick with Tina who is almost a 'safe' person, but she wouldn't want to hang out with me all night, I'd drink, not dance, not talk, probably cry and sit in the corner. So to save myself any embarrassment I'm not going to go, I'll make up an excuse, then I'll listen to all the stories the next day and wonder if I could've coped and then the voices will tell me that I'm just stupid and fat and I don't deserve to go to parties which is why I didn't go.
Yup this blog is a mini insight to my crazy mind and thoughts, i havn't had a lot of sleep so all the bad stuff is on the surface, so sorry about that.
bettybruises:
on the feeling bad about yourself stuff...i had to make a conscious decision quite some time ago, to stop. sounds weird but it worked. i realized that no one else's opinions should ever have any influence over how i felt about myself. the people who do matter already love me for who i am and fuck the rest of em because they don't matter. don't know if that will help you, but it worked for me. oh and find little things you do like about yourself and focus on them. instead of looking in the mirror and thinking "god my hips are too big" look at you face and say "damn i have good eyes" again, it worked for me 
sorry you had such a down day..
sorry you had such a down day..