tatian

So... the blood and guts... were not AS bloody as I thought they'd be. They were sticky. HAHA (dumb joke)... anyways.. the filming is done and to my surprise and the surprise of you guys too, guess who I got to shoot the film with? - eeee - Evangeline!

talk about a fun time...

i got to hold her, pull her, scream with her, grab her, kiss her, pick guts off her, rescue her from being slaughtered and I did it all topless! woo-hoo! ::EViL GRiN::

MUAHAHAHA... it was "fun" and a LOT of hard work... the script changed quite a few times... The room(s) were hotter than hell and I had a little teeny-tiny issue with being topless for the majority of the movie, but honestly with all the lights, body heatl and re-takes, I was glad to be in my undies, cause if i were any where else and in that same situation i'd be running around with just some boyshorts on anyhow...

ultimately I LOOOOOOOOOOVED it. It was such a great time; we drank all night and had so much fun... inbetween takes we talked about tons of neat shit - guys, politics, etc... I got to meet Evangeline, which was kinda a cool surprise cause I didn't know who was going to be playing her part until I had been there for a few hours...

then, everyone kept canceling on us and so we were not sure who was going to show up or not...

RAWR. I got there around 3pm and didn't leave until about 6am this morning - FOURTEEN HOURS! rawr!!! It was long... and tedious... but i have a new found respect for ppl who do film, for sure...

having to re-write scripts on the fly... having to improvise when shit goes wrong... waiting on all the cast members to get a part right... directing ppl... playing with sticky blood... etc, etc... I gotta give them MAD props for all the hard work...

So yeah... just wanted to let you know how things went. I AM SO SO SO TIRED. I dunno how the hell I got home. It took me over a half an hour to get to my place from the shoot this morning and my eyes were half way closed the whole time... yup... dunno how the fuck i made it home... i thought i'd fall asleep at the wheel for sure.

It was a tru treat to be involved in their film... an honor, really... just hope i did an okay job for them. hahaha...

they are all meeting up down town on 6th street to turn in the final edit of the film... I wanted to go, but well... I am home (obviously - it's 5:55pm) and I am still too tired to be driving... that and I got to get up early for work tomorrow.

AS SOON AS I HAVE A LINK TO THE FILM I WILL POST IT ASAP... along with any pics they might have taken during the filming... (I would've posted other pics, already but my weekend has been busy... and I am tired... sorry)

i love you all... hope u are well... sorry if i have not gotten back to texts or messages... i'll get around to it...

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RAAAAAAWWWWWWWWWWWWWRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR!!!!!!

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anyhoo... my ex is all mad at me (again)... what a surprise... he text'd me to bitch about me changin some profile info on my this site... I was tired... he kept texting me about this that and the other...

damnit. it is frustrating. for him to take things so litterally, and to always be assuming shit... he'll never trust me, he never has and to be honest, I'm beginning not to care anymore... no matter what i do we'd be arguing about something if i was still with him and I'd be miserable.

i just want to be happy... and i want him to be happy too... but FUCK!!! ... things may seem lonely, but i feel BETTER alone! How terrible is that? it's sad, really... I don't have to come home and worry about impressing anyone, i dont have to come home and worry about pleasing anyone or feeling guilty for not pleasing someone... i don't have to worry about losing myself in an art project or book... I can watch whatever i want and I dont have to hear sports EVER on the television... i HATE listening to/watching sports... I don't think he ever really realized how much...

i can take naps throughout the day, spread my legs all over the bed and stretch out and not have to worry about feeling guilty for leaving him alone in the living room... I can turn the air down so it isn't freezing cold in my apartment... which is SO nice; cause now i just run around in "nothing" and not have to be covered up in a blanket or sweat shirt all the time...

the laptop is all MINE again - I don't have to share it! RAWR. The one thing I hated sharing was my computer - it's my baby and I hated having to share... as terrible as that might sound... also, I don't have to walk anyone thru anything on the computer anymore - over and over again... which i didn't mind all THAT much, but still... sometimes I just want to DO stuff on the laptop and not have to tell someone else or walk someone thru it...

is that mean? I'm just being honest...

He made me SO mad... I totally love him (still) and always will... but now i'm beginning to really see how things are different...

I've been eating better without him around; and i haven't "messed up" once! ::pats my own back::

i can have company over when ever i WANT... and can be alone when I WANT... I don't feel guilty for doing or NOT doing the dishes or antyhing else around the house...

my apartment LOOKS better, it's cleaner and more cozy and there are no creepy little figurines or clowns with sharp teeth anywhere...

SIGH...

I could go ON and ON... it's terribly sad...

I didn't tell my dad for a long time that Chris and I broke it off... and when I did, he was upset of course, but ultimately i think he, my gramma, my mom and everyone else realizes how much better i've been, in general not having to be in a relationship with him (not that it was all bad, it wasn't - just stressful in general)... and they all support me focusing on myself and being a little selfish for once.

I am sorry...

I am sorry cause I know I have hurt him.

But damnit. He's hurt me too. He is not alone in is this pain and if he thinks so, he is VERY mistaken (which i think he does) and THAT - the fact that he probably thinks of me in a bad, negative, mean way, and that I don't and never have loved or cared for him just PISSES me off even more...

it makes me mad that he can't be happy for me, even though he is now alone...

UM, we BOTH are.. and it is by no means "easy"

but if he really loved me, I would think that his love would be unconditional, and that if I were better off with OR WITHOUT him, that he would want to support whichever was better for me...

and for him (of course)...

and I was not happy... he had to have known.. no matter how much I loved him... (and love him still) something was missing and not right...

Anyways, i dont wanna talk about this anymore... but i needed to say something... his texting me all that jazz today made me want to do bad things again...

I didn't... but fuck...

everyday of it and I get a lil bit closer...

Chris I LOVE YOU.. but come on! Let me go! If we are meant to be, than we will be... I don't see that right now. I just don't. No matter how much I MISS and LOVE you... I don't see it.

I've cried enough over this.. I spent 5 and a half years with you.. on this relationship... and I feel somewhat "gipped"... as I am sure you do.

does that not "say" something????

::cries::