tatian

:cries: i am super sad. depressed. conmfused. tired....

tired.

TIRED.

of fighting...

of talking...

this HURTS.

why does everything have to hurt so fucking bad?!

::sceams::

I just want to run away and never look back.

I don't want to think about the past. I have tried so hard to change myself, and forget the past... the last six years i will never regret, but that is not enough to keep me...

this is not working.


love is not enough.


it is NOT enough

why isn't it???


why isn't it enough?

I dunno. I am so so so sorry. I can not answer that question, i can only agree to the fact that life is not fair.

i can not change this.

I can not change u.

i don't WANT to change you.

maybe THAT is the issue; I don't want to change you.

it is not my place to try to change ppl.

is it not my place

I have accepted you for what u are and I am not happy. THAT is the bottom line. I am not happy.

I love you to death, but I don't see myself being with you forever... I don't.

and that makes me sad. VERY SAD.

u are NOT the only one in this situation that is hurting.

I wish u were the one.

but i don't see it.

i dont feel it
... and no matter HOW MUCH i love you... it will never be enough.

it goes against ever fiber in my being to even think about changing you and your habits...

i can not and WILL NOT do that...

and i am tired of waiting

tired.

tired of waiting


tired of waiting.

please...

please....

know that i love you...

you must know that i love you....

but you must also know how much this hurts and how difficult it is for me.

the timing is off.

just OFF

... can u not accept that?

no matter what I do or say... it is never enough...

I will never be that "domesticated" person you want...

I've tried for years now to have ur children, and still to no avail... is that not a sign?

a child will not make things better. only worse...

i can not and will not put my baby thru what i went thru

sorry.

so sorry.

I am so sorry that it hurs.

but it hurts me too.

so much

i feel stuck


like i am not "free" with you...

and it's ironic...
cause u know me so well.

but if that were tru...

u'd know how bad this hurts...

and u'd take action

u'd do something

and u don't...

i have to do everything.

I have to do everything...

I have to do everything

and i have to do it all alone


i feel so alone...

so very alone...

ppl should not feel alone like i do...

they just shoudln't...

i want to run and hide...

run and hide and not look back.


i hate this.

i hate this.

i hate this SO FUCKING much.

it will never end... this constant trying...

this constant "making up"

over and over again...

six years!

u say that u've given me six years.

well,

touche, love.

I;ve given YOU six years of MY life too...

and it is not working, is it?

something is always wrong...

something is always happening...

don't u think it would be better...????

if things were different?

u just want me to want me.

u say u'll do anything. I DONT WANT THAT.

i want u to put your damn foot down and be a man.

stand up for yourself.

stand up.

at all.

stand up! DAMNIT.

stop giving in.

love is not enough.

it isn't.

love is not enough to make it in this world...

if that were the case, things would be so different in general.

if love were enough....

things would be different...

but it is not.

we do not live in a world where loving someone is enough to make things work...

god damnit.

i am tired.

i am tired of fighting for this relationship.

I am tired in general.

tired.

tired.

tired.

tired of loving you to death and it not being enough.

tired of wanting more and not having it.


tired of holding back.

tired of feeling bad for feeling bad!

TIRED OF BEING TIRED.

I am tired... of being tired...

remember that?

***

Tired of doing everything and being so crafty and STILL not feeling like it's enough...

tired of holding back and keeping shit to myself.,

and when i dont do that, tired of being repremanded... by YOU.

tired.

tired.

tired....

this HURTS ME.

SO much.

SO much.

maybe you need to leave and get your shit together.

and leave me alone for a while. let me breath without feeling so guilty for everything...

and i know...

i know what ur gonna say.

u'd say, "you make YOURSELF feel guilty."

and maybe your right...

damnit.

maybe u are right...

but FUCK

you should be making me feel better!

not worse.

not egging this "shit" on....

in your little ways...

we should be improving eachothers lives...

not this...

not this uncertainty that is "us"

i can NOT lie to you and tell you that I am sure

I WONT do it.

I wont.

i've been honest to you, all these years..

you know everything


and maybe you shouldn't


maybe i shouldn't have opened myself to you...

but i did...

and we are here.

after six years...

and still...

it is not enough.

i am sorry...

sorry this is not enough.

***

I hate your creepy figurines...

i hate that you can't help me with projects.

i hate that you're 33 and you still smoke and do dumb shit with ur dumb friends.

i hate that you STILL smoke after trying to concieve...

i hate that you haven't asked me to marry you, after six years... (but maybe that is for the better)

i hate that you don't share my dreams....

i hate that you eat meat...

I hate that you watch tv all day.

i hate that you're stuck in the same business...

you have no goals.

you have no asperations.

WHY DO I HAVE to teach you everything?

can you not teach yourself?

***

you put everything on me.
it is overwhelming

everything is always on me.

i wish sometimes that the roles were reversed and I didn't know shit...

I self-taught myself almost everything that I know...

why cant you take the initiative to do that?

buy a book... take a class....????

stop putting everything in my hands.

my hands are shaking...

they are SHAKING.

i can NOT hold you up and be your everything...

i can not do everything you should be able to do (and i am SORRY that I feel this way, but i do) and do what you expect and want me to do ON TOP OF ALL THAT...

i just can't

i need someone on my level... someone on the same page...

and no matter how much i love you...

we are on different pages...

different books....

different libraries...

fuck...

your not even in a library.

ur in a comic book store.

SIGH...

i love you so much...

SO MUCH..

so much so much

so much...


***


but why...

WHY does it hurt so fucking much....


this isn't worth it.

i'd be happier if i were free....

i spend all my spare time worrying about this and that, and I am tired...

so tired...


please....

stop putting everything in my hands..

stop.

and let me be.

me...

and just accept it.

accept it all

that maybe...


even with all this love that we have, we are not meant to be...

that maybe things are meant to be different...

???

god damnit...

this hurts inside. why does this hurt so fucking much???

all the time...

it hurts
more than it feels good.

***

my psychology teacher always used to say in class, that the ratio of good times to bad times in a relationship should be at least 6:1...

6 to one....


SIX to one...

six years...

and maybe 365 days of good...

not good enough!

not good enough...

i don't accept that...

not good enough.

you shoudln't accept that either.

stop putting it in my hands...

stop.

I CAN'T DO IT.

dont u get it?
it hurts too much.

it hurts too much...

::CRIES::

i love you... but it hurts too much...

stop putting it in my hands...

stop putting everything in my hands...

did you ever think that i just couldn't handle it all???

that maybe it's too much for me?

....

my hands are shaking...

and still... u expect me to do it all...

to do everything....

to do everything and more...

and I am tired...

and my hands are shaking...

I woke up this morning... and my body, it was NUMB... literally, numb...

my hands... they are shaking still....

shaking.

::CRIES::

::cries::

::cries::

i cant breathe.

i cant breathe.

i cant breathe.

i love you and i can't breathe...

I cant breathe...

i cant...

i cant i cant...

breathe...

my hands are shaking.

everything... is shaking...

the walls are collapsing...

the floor is spinning...

my head wont stop thinking, my heart wont stop crying...

the floor, it is spinning...

the walls... they are moving...

my hands.

they are SHAKING.

stop putting everything in my hands...

PLEASE.

please
please


pleeeeease.

my heart hurts.

::cries::

::CRIES::

::CRIES::

my heart hurts...

hurts so fucking bad,..

it hurts.

it hurts..

make it stop.

make it stop.

make everything stop...

make it better...


u can't

u cant'
u can't

and neither can i...

i am tired.

tired


tired

so so tired...

my hands are shaking...

my heart is pounding...

my hands...

they are shaking...

i have to go.