tatian

WARNING: long, rambling post:

haha.

wow. i am ultra frustrated today. I have all this aggression and I just wanna do really mean, really bad things to mean fucking ppl... Hell, I just wanna do bad things in general.

Could it be my bi-polar manic shit... pulling me over into it's terrible twisted arms; "Time to FREAK OUT" it says to me...

I feel like I am going to explode and please, please, please, I don't want anyone I LIKE around, when that shit happens. I feel so on edge right now.

All the little mishaps and dumb shit in my life seems to be piling up and I am just waiting for the smallest thing of weight to come tilt the scales.

Work sucks. I go in tonight and I go with vengence; do not FUCK with ME! I will tear you in two tonight - and my coworkers are not excluded this time; what a katty hell-hole it is, too...

oh. and yesterday, no soymilk, icky coffee and no waffles... today, IRONICALLY i managed to whip up some veggie pancakes. I sent chris out for the soy, so i could have nice, hot YUMMY coffee this morning... and....

ARG. of course, something is going on at the eletrical company right then and my power gets cut in half (it did not go OFF - it was literally "DIMMER" - and of course, if you know anything about anything, certain appliances need a certain amount of energy simply to "start" or "stay ON" so anything and everything that I needed (and still fucking need) is not working and "OFF" everything else - lights and whatnot; flickering or super dim...

ODD... never have I ever experienced this kind of "Tease" (if you will) via some random necessity...

...so, yes... THANK GOD i am finicky about having the laptop plugged in! I got power to write into my "Jarte" journal; I think otherwise, I would be pulling my hair out.

I have to cancel my allergist appointment which is a bummer. I think the sooner I get all that shit squared away the better I will start feeling; seeing as how that would help me avoid the shit that is flaring up this whole "fribo... blah blah.. shit."

Today it is weak, cold coffee and half way done veggie pancakes; I think God is laughing at me...

"I get it, ok?" LIFE SUCKS... I am thankfull for what I have... I am NOT greedy... I love my neighbor... I love my family... I respect them... and others... and yada yada yada.

WTF ? ! ? !

I wish I was back in Austin, painting windows with my little lifted grey truck ::sigh::

Chris and I were BOTH way better off back there. I dunno why I put up this shit out here; what is so fucking great about california? What is so great about the States, really?

I have no health care, and OWE tons of damn money to misc. hospitals and what not from when I DID have insurance... Now i can't step foot ANYWHERE for any kind of medical treatment without forking over hundreds, if not thousands of dollars.

And no offense, but how does someone expect a person to survive these days without some kind of general, accessable health care? People get sick! It's a fact of life and it's also a fact of life that being sick directly connects with work and affects a person's ability to work... so why not take care of the ppl who are working for you?

I think it is beneficial to try and make a general effort to enhance the lives of the ppl around you, because, after all, they are PART OF your life... even if you do not know them, on a personal level...

I could be painting windows right now. GIR. And making enough money to live nicely, too. BTW.

Austin is... AWESOME. I love the shit outta that place (sans humidity, which you acclimate to)...

everything is cheaper, bigger... and concealed weapons are allowed... j/k... they are, kinda, but j/k...

the majority of ppl out there are NICER too (in Austin), than the fuckers out here in cali...

If i don't go back to Austin for ever or for a while, I'll probably head up north and get the FUCK OUTTA HERE!

Canada sounds lovely right about now... I write back and forth with a gentleman from there and we talk about the States and about Canada;

so far, he's winning the tally; Canada rocks and the States BLOW.

***

But enough about that... the electricity is still doing that weird shit.

And of course, all I want is to take a hot shower before work and enjoy a really HOT cup of coffee... and it is cold.

Cold aprtment, cold coffee, cold and gooey pancakes (half-cooked/the stove turned "off" a little after half through the pancake process. HAHA)...

and a soggy car part at my sister's place. I can only pray that they packaged it well and that it's not nearly as wet and soggy as I think it may be...

ROTFL.

***

And I miss my family... and of course, being broke, it is hard to gog out and see either one of my folks - they are both a plane ride away, but alas, that shit is so expensive.

Business is slow... work is terrible. Traffic is bad, even tho I don't***

ALRIGHTLY then; the power is officially OUT. no more teasing I guess.

fuckers.

Whatever. In the words of Burns, "Let them HAVE their tar-tar-sauce!" (or "hot showers and coffee!")... I will get my revenge ! ! ! MUHAHAHa...

I can handle cold coffee (at least I got some today) and my gooey pancakes (eh, they're "alright" - it's food!) and I can deal with the SANS-electricity... for a while...

but the cold shower... err... no way...

::flashback:: When I first moved out to Austin ("for reals") I took cold showers in the place I moved into, because it took them weeks to get gas to the house. LOL... And it was terrible...

...and cold shower just invite colds and flu and shit, like saying "Look at me! My hair is WET!, AND! - FREEZING COLD!"

Gramma always said, "never go in the cold with wet hair"... "Don't go outside with wet hair, it's FREEZING out! You'll catch a cold."

I miss her too... I want to go visit her... perhaps when my car is done I can take her for a long drive

***

So I am wondering.... Supposing, really, that maybe all these things... all these little fucked up, back-to-back incidences are all little tests, or perhaps one big one...

A test on what tho? I feel as tho I have been rung thru the coals, five times too many, already, and I am only 25... No one knows me here. But I've seen and been involved in a lot of dumb, fucked up, un-necessary shit... things have happened, once, twice, three time over maybe and I could've done without them all...

I still woulda been fucked up. Even without the most terrible and distrubing shit! HA.

I DON'T WANT to see or do anymore of anything...

DAMN THIS COLD COFFEE!

I just wanted a hot cup; ONE hot cup of coffee and a short hot shower.

Ugh. I am terrible. Things could be way worse; I could be stuck in Tibet right now, or in Africa...

::sigh:: I'm not usually like this; all frustrated and pissed off.

(I am a very greatful person, I am. I thank "God" everyday for the life I am blessed with.)

I'm just mad at the world, cause I think the place could be so much better if everyone just put in a little more fucking effort.

And I guess I feel like things are really starting to go down hill, AND FAST, and it's damn scary...

..and then there is the issue of the environment...

...oh, and of course, of animal cruelty... Of which, MIND YOU, is the first sign to worse things: usually, the abuse of an animal (or any "smaller, weaker" being) is the start of a much more violent future - with bigger, and greater numbers of things...

And so many things are correlated with the way animals in this world are mistreated and farmed for our dinner plates; dead land, water shortages, Animal-transfered diseases, crop decay, air pollution, obesity, heart disease, food allergies, big wheel crashes, gas shortages, more air polllution...

::sigh::

hey! eee! the ELECTRICITY IS ON!

Yay for hot showers and coffee!

brb.

***

This is outta the blue btw, but I figure, you've come this far... LOL... I think I want to go volunteer over seas and just dissapear for a while. If anyone can think of a worthy cause, I am open to suggestion. Also, I'd make a big project out of it too - documenting everything to share...

Anyhow... I think my fingers are gonna fall off from the cold and from over-usage, if that's possible...

XO. if you made it this far, props to you, thanks for reading, and "come again!"

XOXO...

Now, to end this long, rambling post with some happy GIR