Ok. Now that I'm not laying in bed and outrageously tired, I shall finish my blog post from before.
Last class I'm taking - Intro to Logic. Really cool class, I'm excited to be taking it, plus the professor is awesome. He legitimately treats the class like adults, which is something that is desperately lacking in some of my other classes. Can't wait to get my head into that one.
What else is goin on?
Oh, wominz. So there are four women in my life right now that I'm trying to figure out. Included in these is my best friend's ex girlfriend, a girl who I met through my best friend who incidentally knows most of my childhood friends and grew up down the street from me in my hometown, and two girls who I met while working at the coffee shop who I've since run into on campus at school.
If I haven't said this already, I am absolutely terrible with girls. I have a horrible past with dating women, and just for reference, being a 22 year old college student, I've had sex... 5 times. Three times over the span of about a month around September of 2009... and then twice in the winter of 2006.
Honestly if I start to think about it, it really starts to get to me. Constantly, and i mean, CONSTANTLY, my guy friends around me talk about how they would go insane if they went a month without sleeping with a girl. They talk about how simple it is to pick up girls. Even my best friend, who is someone who does not "pick up" chicks, almost literally had women throwing themselves at him to have sex.
It's not a lack of the physical pleasures that get me depressed. In all seriousness, sex scares the shit out of me these days. Sure, I fantasize, I masturbate, I watch porn.... But if I really start to visualize getting in bed with a girl and getting down to the dirty deed itself... it just straight scares the hell out of me. More than anything, the lack of women is a self esteem issue. I really have to wonder if I look like a terminal cancer patient to women, or if I have some gross social deficiency which only I am oblivious to that makes women vomit in their mouth after interacting with me.
I'm at this weird transition in my life where I'm not really interested in having a relationship for the sex (granted, it will be a wonderful benefit once I get over my fear of it), but I'm still not ready to imagine marriage. I really just want a best friend in a girlfriend. I want someone who I can cuddle with, tell my most intimate thoughts to, who will take care of me during those weak times when life becomes a little to unbearable, but more than all that, I want a best friend who will motivate me to be the best I can be, while I do the same for her.
Anyway... I need to stop thinking about it and push it aside because it will genuinely get me depressed if I think about it too much.
About a week and a half ago I finally got back into the gym to start training Brazilian Jiu Jitsu again. BJJ is one of my passions in life, I don't know what I'd do without it. After a month and a half of life just getting in the way, I was finally ready to hit the mats again. Then, the second night back, I was sparring with someone, and just as I locked in a choke, tangling up my hands around their neck, they tried to escape in a way that resulted with my face and shoulder hitting the mats... HARD. Immediately the wind was knocked out of me and intense pain bloomed in the base of my neck. Turns out I have a grade 2 AC joint separation, which will keep me out of the game for another month, if not longer if it takes a long time to heal.
Let's hope it heals nice and quick.
Regardless of all that, it's nice to be back in school, be financially stable, and have a comfortable place to live. All things considered, my life could be much worse off than it is, and I'm very thankful for everything that's going on in my life and the direction that it's headed.
Last class I'm taking - Intro to Logic. Really cool class, I'm excited to be taking it, plus the professor is awesome. He legitimately treats the class like adults, which is something that is desperately lacking in some of my other classes. Can't wait to get my head into that one.
What else is goin on?
Oh, wominz. So there are four women in my life right now that I'm trying to figure out. Included in these is my best friend's ex girlfriend, a girl who I met through my best friend who incidentally knows most of my childhood friends and grew up down the street from me in my hometown, and two girls who I met while working at the coffee shop who I've since run into on campus at school.
If I haven't said this already, I am absolutely terrible with girls. I have a horrible past with dating women, and just for reference, being a 22 year old college student, I've had sex... 5 times. Three times over the span of about a month around September of 2009... and then twice in the winter of 2006.
Honestly if I start to think about it, it really starts to get to me. Constantly, and i mean, CONSTANTLY, my guy friends around me talk about how they would go insane if they went a month without sleeping with a girl. They talk about how simple it is to pick up girls. Even my best friend, who is someone who does not "pick up" chicks, almost literally had women throwing themselves at him to have sex.
It's not a lack of the physical pleasures that get me depressed. In all seriousness, sex scares the shit out of me these days. Sure, I fantasize, I masturbate, I watch porn.... But if I really start to visualize getting in bed with a girl and getting down to the dirty deed itself... it just straight scares the hell out of me. More than anything, the lack of women is a self esteem issue. I really have to wonder if I look like a terminal cancer patient to women, or if I have some gross social deficiency which only I am oblivious to that makes women vomit in their mouth after interacting with me.
I'm at this weird transition in my life where I'm not really interested in having a relationship for the sex (granted, it will be a wonderful benefit once I get over my fear of it), but I'm still not ready to imagine marriage. I really just want a best friend in a girlfriend. I want someone who I can cuddle with, tell my most intimate thoughts to, who will take care of me during those weak times when life becomes a little to unbearable, but more than all that, I want a best friend who will motivate me to be the best I can be, while I do the same for her.
Anyway... I need to stop thinking about it and push it aside because it will genuinely get me depressed if I think about it too much.
About a week and a half ago I finally got back into the gym to start training Brazilian Jiu Jitsu again. BJJ is one of my passions in life, I don't know what I'd do without it. After a month and a half of life just getting in the way, I was finally ready to hit the mats again. Then, the second night back, I was sparring with someone, and just as I locked in a choke, tangling up my hands around their neck, they tried to escape in a way that resulted with my face and shoulder hitting the mats... HARD. Immediately the wind was knocked out of me and intense pain bloomed in the base of my neck. Turns out I have a grade 2 AC joint separation, which will keep me out of the game for another month, if not longer if it takes a long time to heal.
Let's hope it heals nice and quick.
Regardless of all that, it's nice to be back in school, be financially stable, and have a comfortable place to live. All things considered, my life could be much worse off than it is, and I'm very thankful for everything that's going on in my life and the direction that it's headed.
tarrius:
I just noticed how tl;dr my post is. I really need to add more smileys and pictures so that it isn't just a wall of foreboding text.