Well, thanks to Suicidedoggie for encouraging me to dust off my winamp playlist this morning.
I havent listened to any music on a serious level for a couple of weeks. Music affects me like no other form of artistic expression. It has the ability to break through the walls I put up around myself when I feel hurt or vulnerable. If poetry is a slingshot then music is a missile.
These last couple of weeks I've needed my walls to stay up. I was hurt, confused, scared, stuck inside my own Jericho too scared to listen to the music in case my walls fell down.
I shouldnt have worried really. Not about the music anyway because yesterday everything fell apart of it's own accord. I thought I was strong enough to hold it together with will power alone but I couldnt and I cried, I really cried, that lying on the bathroom floor unable to move kind of crying, that hurts like nothing else.
But I needed it. It made me realise that I was struggling to deal with things and not winning. I was over analysing (that most annoying of female traits), thinking too much, indulging in pointless paranoia, hating myself because I thought someone else hated me.
Today, I feel better. I'm no longer desperately trying to shore up my emotional defences so I have time to listen to my calmer and wiser inner voices. I feared loss so much, which to me seems strange for someone who's spent most of her life alone, that I ended up almost destroying something that was very important to me. I was Steinbeck's Lennie, killing that which means the most to me by crushing the life out of it.
It's time to let go.
Time to go back to the music.
The First Time Ever I saw Your Face
The first time ever I saw your face
I thought the sun rose in your eyes
And the moon and the stars were the gifts you gave
To the dark and the endless skies, my love
And the first time ever I kissed your mouth
I felt the earth move through my hand
Like the trembling heart of a captive bird
That was there at my command, my love
And the first time ever I lay with you
I felt your heart so close to mine
The first time ever I saw your face
Your face, your face
Your face.
PS: I'm listening to the Roberta Flack version of this song, which in my opinion is the best one. Anyone mentioning Celine Dion's version will get a slap.
I havent listened to any music on a serious level for a couple of weeks. Music affects me like no other form of artistic expression. It has the ability to break through the walls I put up around myself when I feel hurt or vulnerable. If poetry is a slingshot then music is a missile.
These last couple of weeks I've needed my walls to stay up. I was hurt, confused, scared, stuck inside my own Jericho too scared to listen to the music in case my walls fell down.
I shouldnt have worried really. Not about the music anyway because yesterday everything fell apart of it's own accord. I thought I was strong enough to hold it together with will power alone but I couldnt and I cried, I really cried, that lying on the bathroom floor unable to move kind of crying, that hurts like nothing else.
But I needed it. It made me realise that I was struggling to deal with things and not winning. I was over analysing (that most annoying of female traits), thinking too much, indulging in pointless paranoia, hating myself because I thought someone else hated me.
Today, I feel better. I'm no longer desperately trying to shore up my emotional defences so I have time to listen to my calmer and wiser inner voices. I feared loss so much, which to me seems strange for someone who's spent most of her life alone, that I ended up almost destroying something that was very important to me. I was Steinbeck's Lennie, killing that which means the most to me by crushing the life out of it.
It's time to let go.
Time to go back to the music.
The First Time Ever I saw Your Face
The first time ever I saw your face
I thought the sun rose in your eyes
And the moon and the stars were the gifts you gave
To the dark and the endless skies, my love
And the first time ever I kissed your mouth
I felt the earth move through my hand
Like the trembling heart of a captive bird
That was there at my command, my love
And the first time ever I lay with you
I felt your heart so close to mine
The first time ever I saw your face
Your face, your face
Your face.
PS: I'm listening to the Roberta Flack version of this song, which in my opinion is the best one. Anyone mentioning Celine Dion's version will get a slap.
VIEW 16 of 16 COMMENTS
johnnyt:
thanks for the congrats.
johndoe98:
The Enforcer tonight 9 on 5 
