that pretty much describes how i am right now. Well, i feel a little better from having my heart shattered into a million peices. My brother showed up today and for the first time in a long time actually acted like a brother. He hugged me and let me cry as i struggled to talk about everything that had happened. Sometimes you just need to tell someone about everything before you can start to get over it. I'm not obsessing about it now, which is a nice change, and if i happen to think of something that was said or something that could happen i'm not immediatly bursting into tears. I know deep down that he will keep his promise, i'm just very used to being disappointed by his so called promises, but i hope, i really hope that he keeps this one, otherwise i will have to leave. I can't be his wife and have to compete with his girlfriends. I have to be a factor in the relationship otherwise there isn't one at all.
Work is halfway done. I probably shouldn't be on here while i'm at work, but i'm saying screw it for today. You should see it outside right now. It's a dark and dreary day right now, cloudy with the tiniest specs of light breaking through. It's windy, think winnie the pooh and the blustery day... it's only air but it's strong enough to move everything in it's path. The kind of day where i wish i didn't have to be at work, the most perfect day to just walk down the street and watch the trees shake and shiver, the faint reminisent sound of a lost car driving far enough away that you can only hear the tires roll gently along the pavement but not see the mechanical monster. The memories of happy times and the hope of a rainy spring floating in my mind, removing forever all the negative thoughts and replacing the space.
Before christmas i was craving snow, my body needed it, to experience the harshness and beauty of the earth's defeat. Desolation. I guess i've gotten what i wanted now didn't i?
Now i'm craving something different... rain. I want the heavens to open up and wash away all the shit, to cleanse the earth and myself in the process. To see it run down the drains and be washed away into a place where it itself can be cleansed and made new, recycled as water tends to do. I'm longing for days where i can sit on my balcony and just watch it was away all the negativity that seems to be surrounding my life right now. Maybe in the process purify my soul. Make the darkness go away and bring forth something new, something good.
But it's difficult to decide on what one really wants now isn't it. We think in asking for something we will get it, but that something can always be interpreted... as in the case of me wanting winter. I got what i wanted, but not in the way that i wanted. And now i can't escape from it. I've created this hell inside myself by myself and i have to live with that. No matter how sucky i think it happens to be. So basically, as usual, i've brought all this shit on myself.
But now that things have been lifted, i can start to mend what's left of my heart. My mind has shut up about it, which is nice. It seems like it hasn't been this still, this quiet for such a long time. it's exhausting. My eyes hurt so much from all the crying i've been doing. I'm ready to just crawl into bed and sleep. I've been running on about 4 hours of sleep for the past few weeks. It makes for rather long nights and even longer days.
I just hope that tonight isn't the begining of the end.