tarnish

taking the day off for personal reasons. New post is in order.

I'm an emotional mess, but I know that things will eventually come to a close on these past moments and I will be able to continue on with my life, as usual. I want to go into detail, but I can't bring myself to. These are the types of things you really can only share with a true stranger. Anyone who knows me on any kind of personal level, couldn't possibly hold an unbiased stance on the issue. I guess I'll have to pay someone with a degree, good money to listen to me bitch and moan and help to put things in perspective. Unfortunately for me, I don't really have that kind of money at the moment. So, I guess I will have to wait it out, and try to work it out for myself until then.

Meanwhile( anyone whose read JTHM know the meanwhiles are the best part)

I'm stoned right now, pondering space, which i can do forever really. Because it's just so damn cool. It's so much to try and wrap your mind around. All of the unknowns, the what if's. Mind bottling, I tells ya.

My brother and I were discussing black holes the other day. As well as the theory of time travel, which we've decided isn't possible. Space and science are the things that made me question my faith. It's doing the same to my brother. He's a smart kid, but our family was very right-wing, and very religious, so we weren't exposed to freedom of thought until later in life. For me it wasn't until 11th grade, for him it's been only a few months. My mother of course assumes he's on drugs now. He's not going to church as much, or playing in the church's band anymore. So he must be out sinning. Personally i think it's about time. Now, I am in no way saying that it is wrong for people to have faith, or be religious. To each their own, it's just that for us. It wasn't a choice, and we weren't given any options as to what to believe, or what we could learn. So the fact that he is questioning his faith, in my opinion, isn't a sign that he is falling to the dark side, or is now some unstoppable force of evil. It says to me that he is finally starting to open his mind. Think for himself. I'm fucking proud of him. If he can rethink his feelings on Christianity, learn more about what else there is, and still come to the conclusion that being a stalwart christian and going to church 3 times a week is what is right for him. Then I will still be proud of him... for making his own choice.

I have nothing to get poetic about, I almost don't even remember what it's like to write a poem, or a story, or anything at all worth reading. I miss that sensation of getting a thought, that one line that pops into your head forcing you to grab your pen and just let the words flow. Writing, for me, was like what working out is like for some people. That rush, the energy that explodes inside you and you have to keep going. Let it all out. My creative outlets are dwindling. Writing, done. Song writing, done. Guitar playing, done. Photography, done. Drawing/painting, done. I can do all of these things well enough to satisfy myself(which is all that should matter really), but I haven't felt real inspiration in so long. I guess it comes with age, and i'm sure the grind isn't helping. 10 hours a day at work, plus getting dozens of phone calls from work on your days off. Yeah, not much time to get super creative. At least not in my line of work. Don't get me wrong. I love working at gamestop. I have some good people who work hard for me, and the environment is fun, but being in charge is a lot less fun than just being told what to do was. But such is responsibility. the issues I use to write so passionately about don't matter at all anymore, and the issues I am passionate about now, don't kindle that same fire. I feel like I'm becoming more and more private a person as the years pass. I feel like I share too much of myself with people who don't know me, so then I worry about the impression i'm making, whereas before, I couldn't give two shits what people thought of me. Now I feel like if I share something personal, a poem, or a story I've written, people will get the wrong impression about who I am as a person. Even in something as simple as this blog, in front of people I will likely never meet. I know it all stems from personal insecurities, which I am trying to work through. So hopefully when I do I will be able to share of myself more freely, because I assure you. I do have some tales to tell, in one medium or another.

ah, now back to space.

ps, Im still a night elf mohawk. And if you haven't seen that commercial, or you are unfamiliar with World of Warcraft, then it's probably for the best.