Random geekiness from my desk ... binary clock ... what time is it?
In my first journal entry here, I mentioned how my life was undergoing a dramatic change (has been since December if not before), and while I do not think I'm entirely through the process, I have learned quiet a bit. I've learned how to be more "me" for my own sake. My roommate recently told me I had a "Jesus complex" ... I would sacrifice myself or my happiness to "save" others. He was right, I would. In some cases, I still will. I don't believe self-sacrifice is a bad thing, per se. However, like most things in life, everything should be taken or done in moderation. Most things that are unhealthy for you are only unhealthy when we indulge to the point that they become harmful (when does a treat stop being a treat?). For me, it was self sacrifice (and food, but that's another story). I over-induldged. I sacrificed so much for so long, that I lost track of who I was. It felt good to make others happy.
I've recently rediscovered myself. And I've still got a lot to learn about me, but at least I am trying now. I used to base my self worth on how happy I could make other people. I'm trying not to do that so much. And the truly strange thing is .... after this change ... this shift in mentality ... I've made more friends, found it easier to meet people, and found that the friends I did have like me better ... well, better may not be an appropriate word ... more freely maybe? Somewhere there's an answer in that paradox ... that to be liked requires you to on some level not care what other people think. I don't mean I'm going out with malicious intent to better myself at others' expense. That's too far, I think (and I was there at one time too). It just means that by caring for myself, others seem to care more for me. It's very strange, and I'm still wrapping my head around it.
At one time I was a major asshole, only out for me damned be they that cross my path. And at some point I flipped (I know which point, but don't want to bore you kind people who've made it this far with the details). So I'm having to learn a new mode of thinking. Caring for me, damn the others didn't work. Caring for others, damn myself doesn't work. So now, I'm caring for me, while considering others. It's a very fine line to walk, but walk it I shall.
I can't take credit for this change myself. I owe a lot of it to my friends. They were my sounding board when I had questions (most got answered by myself with a perceived knowing nod from those wiser than me
). And that includes the friends I have met on here in the past couple of weeks. Some of you guys have helped me more than you probably realize (and probably still won't at the end of this). But I want to thank you all, for making me feel welcome, and helping me learn about myself. I couldn't have done it without you.
Wow, that almost sounds like a farewell letter at the end. But let me assure you it isn't. Couldn't leave this site now if I wanted. I mean an online forum where people actually meet out in the scary real world? Amazing. And honestly, I have no idea why I wrote this. Reading back over it I believe my fingers were possesed a time or two.
Well, for those of you who made it all the way to the end, thank you again. As Mr. E says in his Beautiful Blues ... "God Damn Right, It's a Beautiful Day". Any day you wake up, is a beautiful day. Even the bad ones, cause usually they have something to teach.
And to think, this started out as a post just showing one of the geeky toys this programming, bike riding nature freak has on his desk.
Have a beautiful, wonderful day. It's on me.
In my first journal entry here, I mentioned how my life was undergoing a dramatic change (has been since December if not before), and while I do not think I'm entirely through the process, I have learned quiet a bit. I've learned how to be more "me" for my own sake. My roommate recently told me I had a "Jesus complex" ... I would sacrifice myself or my happiness to "save" others. He was right, I would. In some cases, I still will. I don't believe self-sacrifice is a bad thing, per se. However, like most things in life, everything should be taken or done in moderation. Most things that are unhealthy for you are only unhealthy when we indulge to the point that they become harmful (when does a treat stop being a treat?). For me, it was self sacrifice (and food, but that's another story). I over-induldged. I sacrificed so much for so long, that I lost track of who I was. It felt good to make others happy.
I've recently rediscovered myself. And I've still got a lot to learn about me, but at least I am trying now. I used to base my self worth on how happy I could make other people. I'm trying not to do that so much. And the truly strange thing is .... after this change ... this shift in mentality ... I've made more friends, found it easier to meet people, and found that the friends I did have like me better ... well, better may not be an appropriate word ... more freely maybe? Somewhere there's an answer in that paradox ... that to be liked requires you to on some level not care what other people think. I don't mean I'm going out with malicious intent to better myself at others' expense. That's too far, I think (and I was there at one time too). It just means that by caring for myself, others seem to care more for me. It's very strange, and I'm still wrapping my head around it.
At one time I was a major asshole, only out for me damned be they that cross my path. And at some point I flipped (I know which point, but don't want to bore you kind people who've made it this far with the details). So I'm having to learn a new mode of thinking. Caring for me, damn the others didn't work. Caring for others, damn myself doesn't work. So now, I'm caring for me, while considering others. It's a very fine line to walk, but walk it I shall.
I can't take credit for this change myself. I owe a lot of it to my friends. They were my sounding board when I had questions (most got answered by myself with a perceived knowing nod from those wiser than me
). And that includes the friends I have met on here in the past couple of weeks. Some of you guys have helped me more than you probably realize (and probably still won't at the end of this). But I want to thank you all, for making me feel welcome, and helping me learn about myself. I couldn't have done it without you.
Wow, that almost sounds like a farewell letter at the end. But let me assure you it isn't. Couldn't leave this site now if I wanted. I mean an online forum where people actually meet out in the scary real world? Amazing. And honestly, I have no idea why I wrote this. Reading back over it I believe my fingers were possesed a time or two.
Well, for those of you who made it all the way to the end, thank you again. As Mr. E says in his Beautiful Blues ... "God Damn Right, It's a Beautiful Day". Any day you wake up, is a beautiful day. Even the bad ones, cause usually they have something to teach.
And to think, this started out as a post just showing one of the geeky toys this programming, bike riding nature freak has on his desk.
Have a beautiful, wonderful day. It's on me. VIEW 13 of 13 COMMENTS
thanks for smiling at "my" lake today