tantrumchild

from my space @ http://spaces.msn.com/gemidreamer
killing me softly
wearing gloves
forgive typos

apologies
for nonsensical
ramblings

im numb
truly i am
i cant feel
what i once felt
for two
amazing
incredible
guys
im feeling numb
im feeling
"over it"
feeling sad
feeling alone
despite.

in love
with two
how?

shouldn't one
shine above the
other?
shouldnt my heart
know where to turn
my heart
it seems
has imploded
shrunk
into itself
hiding
scared
of the torment
of hurting
another.

its too hard
my brain
has caved
under the pressure
giving in
giving up
cease to feel
cant think
cant progress
just numb

hate it
to reutrn
to my
medication?
i dont know
would it help?
today
at school
lack of motivation
enthusiasm
you know me
you know my
love of kids
and my endless
collection of
enthusiasm
for their beauty...
nothing...
numb.

ive been so strong
ive come 6 months now
clean
away
free
should i?
im so proud
but not
of what ive done
fucked everything
felt free
felt better
now
just feel
confused

to drown
or not to
drown?

find myself wishing
that car
that truck
that train
would just
wipe me out
erase it all
coma
injury
anything
time out
away
to cry
to grieve
to think
to be me
no pressure
take it all
away
please
my angel
where is she now?

each day keeps
coming
slivers of light
enter my kingdom
each morning
as i wake
and do so
with regret
for my mistakes
and what lies ahead

i want
to walk away
to take with me
the pain ive caused
to leave both
to live
free
from my baggage
too selfish
i guess
i want the love
of one
or another

who?

i hate me
more than ever
im sorry

i dont want this
i cant do it
shakeshakeshake
out
rattle round
kaboom
bleed run drip dry scar
what?
too weak
thoughts run away
as i imagine
the possibilities
limits
my brain has provided
cannot extend
cannot think
cannot forsee
my most optimal
path

such beauty
in each direction
such fullfilment
happiness
fun
joy and love
someone tell me
what to do
where to go
and what is best
for me
please
someone fucking help me
im killing myself
feeling pain
from which ive been free
so long
crashing down
pressing down
returning
haunting
hating
caressing
threatening
to break me
at any moment
you want to leave
i nod
i want your hapiness
but i cant let go
because i want
you too

fuck fuck fuck
i cant take a step
without hurting
someone
so i think
subconsciously
my mind
has set me in a space
of vegetation
so i cannot move
i cannot hurt
im suspended
waiting
im not allowing myself
to hurt anymore
but i am
in waiting
i hurt
both and all
and myself
in reutrn

i fucking hate being me today
i love you.



quietest
most calmest
numbest
tantrum
ive ever had