has anyone ever noticed how angry this little guy looks??? 
i don't know how happy i'd be if i was condemned to be a chicken either though I guess...
how is everyone keeping?
i have had 3 encounters today with people who cared a lot about me in the past, people who i fucked over and who fucked me over equally. people who with my newfound calmness i was able to reconnect with, and reminisce.
strange that they all occur at once.
i
peppermint tea.
i also new sets by Blaze, Zoli, Scout, James and Vice and cannot WAIT for Emi's new set.
it was my mum's 40th birthday today. she's so... strange. do you know how surreal it feels to believe your mother needs to visit a "clinic" for a while? she's 38kg, and wears a pink tracksuit. she is having a cowboy party for her 40th. and many will suggest eccentricity, rather than mental incapacity, but i know better, she is, after all, my mother.
she had a hard childhood, and teenage years were worse. coming from poverty she left school at 13 and home at 15 working in pubs to pay her own rent. she never acquired skills. her and dad used to be the perfect couple, but that's merely haze in my memory. they moved us up to newman where they ran a pub, then moved back to perth where they started their own pasta shop. mum hated dad for working too much, dad couldn't find time for mum's craziness.
she's always been crazy you see. always been obsessed with image. always trying to prove she's better than where she came from. she's always told white lies to elevate her image, and said "isn't that right darling?" so i could back her up. she was cool as i was growing up, she was young and so fun. then when i hit about 12, and her and my dad split up the first time, i saw things in her i never saw before.
mum has depression. as do i. as do many women in our family. i've come to realise that depression affects everyone around the affected individual and so at the tender age of 16, i packed myself up for a psych assessment and did what i needed to do to learn to beat it. i wasn't going to let my paranoia hurt those around me. but mum's not like that. she would fire accusations at an innocent father walking 10 minutes late through the door. she would mutter suspicions about strangers and friends alike. everything was always bitter. everything was always about her, and always someone else's fault.
my dad is a good man. he has never understood mental illness and has never cared to, which in mum's favour, must have been horrific to endure through marriage. eventually though, dad grew tired of feeling guilty for doing nothing but work to support 3 hungry children and a lazy gluttonous wife (who hasn't had a job for the last 5 years but has blown his hard earned money on an ebay addiction).
now i have resented mum since i was 15, suicidal, and she ignored my cries for help due to her own selfishness. it's not within any reasoning i can fathom to neglect your child when they need you this much, when they attempt suicide and regret failing. then last year it was uncovered, at first by accident, and then by further investigation, that mum was seeing someone else. dad finally questioned her, and she, of course, denied everything, despite evidence we had suggesting otherwise. in one final attempt to salvage my virtually nothing relationship for a woman i couldn't respect as my mother, i told her she had this chance to be truthful with me. i explained that i knew what she did and if she lied about it, i would turn my back on her forever, but if she admitted to it, and explained herself, i could contemplate learning to let her in again.
she denied everything. she had an excuse, an explanation for every piece of evidence, not one of them convincing. she sounded like i did when i was 18 and lying to my boyfriend about the other boys i'd kissed.
she shrank in size that day. she was gradually getting smaller to me, but that day she became nothing.
she is however, and will be for many years, a gateway through which i must pass to spend time with my angels of little brothers. it is for this purpose, i maintained a civilized manner with her unless pressed. she presses me often. we fight often. i cry, she cries. she says she wants her daughter back. in one epic brawl i told her i could've done with a mother for the last 6 years. she asked what she could do to make me love her. i told her she needs to learn to control her depression, stop flying off the handle about stupid things and trying to make everyone else around her feel like shit. i told her it makes her look stupid, and none of us have time for it anymore. she cried and told me my father's an alcoholic. frankly, i don't blame him. he works harder than anyone i know. i forgive him his imperfections. but she, she does nothing for anyone but herself.
dad's left her, she has the house and the kids, but dad will only pay for so much. she needs to get a job but has no skill, no time, no motivation, no people skills anymore.
anyway, i don't know where it currently stands. i am a happier and healthier human being who feels sorry for her now rather than resenting her. but she is ever suspicious, still hurling abuse dad's way for the nothing-bad he does. she is still image obsessed, and so so tacky. something's gone up there. something's turned her like that catwoman wth the plastic surgery, like pamela with her crazy large breasts, like amy winehouse thinking that hair and make up looks pretty. sometimes in people's minds things just click and their perception becomes blurred.
she's so frail now. and she's unhealthy. and she cries for a potential life lost, she cries for all she threw away, but makes no moves to rectify within herself the issues.
i don't think i've ever expressed about my mother like i just did. i don't think anyone will still be reading by now haha. i just hope she gets better. part of me wants her to find another man to take care of her, so that she can leave and start another happy life. i just see her fading here. i don't see that being any good for my brothers or her. i've been watching my mother deteriorate for years and i find that i don't know what to do to fix it, i feel a certain resignation to the fact that she'll never change, and it scares me, and makes me sad, for her sake. she's so creative, she used to be so wonderful. i hope she finds her light.
in other news
my pursuit to be blonde is showing some progress. the front is still blonde, the back is now more blonde, the front/side panels are sticking to their guns and not budging from a gross reddy brown, but we'll get there in the end. my hair is breaking and consequently i'm having to chop it a little from time to time, but i'm not giving up! determined to get back to my natural(ish) colour eventually!! (my endeavours would undoubtedly be greatly aided by a trip to the hair dresser, but i just can't afford it... haha)
here are some photos:
that open road i was raving about:
me and mum
representing sg lol
me playing crazy hairs
my t.u.f.f. face
loving this book....
and because i do...
i don't know how happy i'd be if i was condemned to be a chicken either though I guess...
how is everyone keeping?
i have had 3 encounters today with people who cared a lot about me in the past, people who i fucked over and who fucked me over equally. people who with my newfound calmness i was able to reconnect with, and reminisce.
strange that they all occur at once.
i
peppermint tea.i also
new sets by Blaze, Zoli, Scout, James and Vice and cannot WAIT for Emi's new set. it was my mum's 40th birthday today. she's so... strange. do you know how surreal it feels to believe your mother needs to visit a "clinic" for a while? she's 38kg, and wears a pink tracksuit. she is having a cowboy party for her 40th. and many will suggest eccentricity, rather than mental incapacity, but i know better, she is, after all, my mother.
she had a hard childhood, and teenage years were worse. coming from poverty she left school at 13 and home at 15 working in pubs to pay her own rent. she never acquired skills. her and dad used to be the perfect couple, but that's merely haze in my memory. they moved us up to newman where they ran a pub, then moved back to perth where they started their own pasta shop. mum hated dad for working too much, dad couldn't find time for mum's craziness.
she's always been crazy you see. always been obsessed with image. always trying to prove she's better than where she came from. she's always told white lies to elevate her image, and said "isn't that right darling?" so i could back her up. she was cool as i was growing up, she was young and so fun. then when i hit about 12, and her and my dad split up the first time, i saw things in her i never saw before.
mum has depression. as do i. as do many women in our family. i've come to realise that depression affects everyone around the affected individual and so at the tender age of 16, i packed myself up for a psych assessment and did what i needed to do to learn to beat it. i wasn't going to let my paranoia hurt those around me. but mum's not like that. she would fire accusations at an innocent father walking 10 minutes late through the door. she would mutter suspicions about strangers and friends alike. everything was always bitter. everything was always about her, and always someone else's fault.
my dad is a good man. he has never understood mental illness and has never cared to, which in mum's favour, must have been horrific to endure through marriage. eventually though, dad grew tired of feeling guilty for doing nothing but work to support 3 hungry children and a lazy gluttonous wife (who hasn't had a job for the last 5 years but has blown his hard earned money on an ebay addiction).
now i have resented mum since i was 15, suicidal, and she ignored my cries for help due to her own selfishness. it's not within any reasoning i can fathom to neglect your child when they need you this much, when they attempt suicide and regret failing. then last year it was uncovered, at first by accident, and then by further investigation, that mum was seeing someone else. dad finally questioned her, and she, of course, denied everything, despite evidence we had suggesting otherwise. in one final attempt to salvage my virtually nothing relationship for a woman i couldn't respect as my mother, i told her she had this chance to be truthful with me. i explained that i knew what she did and if she lied about it, i would turn my back on her forever, but if she admitted to it, and explained herself, i could contemplate learning to let her in again.
she denied everything. she had an excuse, an explanation for every piece of evidence, not one of them convincing. she sounded like i did when i was 18 and lying to my boyfriend about the other boys i'd kissed.
she shrank in size that day. she was gradually getting smaller to me, but that day she became nothing.
she is however, and will be for many years, a gateway through which i must pass to spend time with my angels of little brothers. it is for this purpose, i maintained a civilized manner with her unless pressed. she presses me often. we fight often. i cry, she cries. she says she wants her daughter back. in one epic brawl i told her i could've done with a mother for the last 6 years. she asked what she could do to make me love her. i told her she needs to learn to control her depression, stop flying off the handle about stupid things and trying to make everyone else around her feel like shit. i told her it makes her look stupid, and none of us have time for it anymore. she cried and told me my father's an alcoholic. frankly, i don't blame him. he works harder than anyone i know. i forgive him his imperfections. but she, she does nothing for anyone but herself.
dad's left her, she has the house and the kids, but dad will only pay for so much. she needs to get a job but has no skill, no time, no motivation, no people skills anymore.
anyway, i don't know where it currently stands. i am a happier and healthier human being who feels sorry for her now rather than resenting her. but she is ever suspicious, still hurling abuse dad's way for the nothing-bad he does. she is still image obsessed, and so so tacky. something's gone up there. something's turned her like that catwoman wth the plastic surgery, like pamela with her crazy large breasts, like amy winehouse thinking that hair and make up looks pretty. sometimes in people's minds things just click and their perception becomes blurred.
she's so frail now. and she's unhealthy. and she cries for a potential life lost, she cries for all she threw away, but makes no moves to rectify within herself the issues.
i don't think i've ever expressed about my mother like i just did. i don't think anyone will still be reading by now haha. i just hope she gets better. part of me wants her to find another man to take care of her, so that she can leave and start another happy life. i just see her fading here. i don't see that being any good for my brothers or her. i've been watching my mother deteriorate for years and i find that i don't know what to do to fix it, i feel a certain resignation to the fact that she'll never change, and it scares me, and makes me sad, for her sake. she's so creative, she used to be so wonderful. i hope she finds her light.
in other news
my pursuit to be blonde is showing some progress. the front is still blonde, the back is now more blonde, the front/side panels are sticking to their guns and not budging from a gross reddy brown, but we'll get there in the end. my hair is breaking and consequently i'm having to chop it a little from time to time, but i'm not giving up! determined to get back to my natural(ish) colour eventually!! (my endeavours would undoubtedly be greatly aided by a trip to the hair dresser, but i just can't afford it... haha)
here are some photos:
that open road i was raving about:
me and mum
representing sg lol
me playing crazy hairs
my t.u.f.f. face
loving this book....
and because i do...
so that's quite a story you've got there missy, i hope it hasn't ended yet.