tantrum_child

i miss B
but i don't miss the kisses
and hugs
and sex
i miss the laughing
the friendship
the undoubting knowledge that i'm understood
the ever present shoulder on which to lose myself
the way his face looks when i say something funny
the way his mouth screws up when he's thinking "god i love you"
i just miss him
his essence
his everything

i hope we can just hang out soon
just be
like the tattoo says



today an old man on a gopher/buggy thing broke down in the rain
i had to call RAC for him to get them to come and rescue him
it was so cute
(is that patronizing?)


my housemate came home tonight
she's been away a week
let me tell you the story

she's a teacher
i work in a pub
we work completely different hours
in the morning she showers etc
when i get home from work i never do (she's asleep)
she's been my best friend 11 years
maybe cos we were only close when necessary
now we've been housemates 4 months
the first 2 were awesome
then she went weird
got all mopey and depressed
stopped talking to me
she explained "i have to smile for ppl all day at work, when i get home i don't want to have to smile for anyone"
well that's nice, but i have to live with you
for ages i felt like i was walking on eggshells
she took over the house
and i only had my room
i tried to salvage our friendship
but she was still grumpy and boring and hurtful
so i gave up
i don't talk to her either
and i don't go out of my way to make life easier for her like i used to
it's sad, cos i've just realised how selfish she is
she walked out of a room with my friends because someone made a "sexist" joke
and they're so "uneducated"
then she went to an emo party with fake blood bandaged wrists and thought it'd be funny to post photos of it all over facebook
it doesn't bother me cos my past is my past, but i used to be a crazy cutter, you'd think someone as moral and amazingly educated as herself would have some discretion about mocking her best friends' former issues?

anyway, she's been sick
she doesn't stop and rest though
so she doesn't get better
last week she told me she was going to stay with her parents for a week on sat
but "until then, can we make the house a visitor-free zone, i'm sick and don't want to see anyone"
i begrudgingly agree (the only person i EVER have over is B and he is endlessly polite & tries to stay out of her way cos he knows she's a grumpy bitch - so this made me angry and hurt on his behalf)
friday night i come home from work at 10:30 & tiptoe around so quietly for hours trying not to wake her
1:45am and she steps in the front door, much to my surprise
i didn't ask questions, but the next day photos emerge of her at some gig at amplifier, seemingly having fun


WRONG?!?!?!!?!?!?



i could've murdered her!!!

so that's twice now i couldn't think of a way for her to make me respect her less

did i mention she slept with a guy i was seeing once?
(and funnily enough always ends up with her friends' exes)

she's just so... moral
always on her high horse then she does the most fucked up shit

just very self centred



anyway, she was meant to be gone til saturday
and she's back
and it sucks
and i enjoyed living on my own
and i'm looking for a place to rent on my own


that's the moral of the story

have a lovely evening, i'm off to house-hunt!