tank_ex_mortis

So I was reading some of my old entries, and I'll tell ya, I never knew I was that funny. Some of that stuff was golden. I'm not sure I can live up to such excellent humor, but I'll try.

Me trying:

ONCE UPON A TIME THERE WAS A RABBIT THAT ATE PEOPLE
IT ATE ALL THE PEOPLE IT WANTED AND NO ONE EVEN CARED
BECAUSE THE RABBIT WAS COOL AND NOBODY WANTED TO TELL IT IT COULDNT EAT PEOPLE
SO ONE DAY THE RABBIT WAS WALKING ALONG
EATING A PEOPLE
WHEN A GUY IN A HAMBURGER COSTUME (HE IS A COSPLAYER) SAID TO HIM HIS FANTASY OF EATING PEOPLE ALSO
SO THEY FELL IN LOVE AND ATE LOTS OF PEOPLE AND WERE HAPPY UNTIL THE HAMBURGER CHEATED ON THE RABBIT AND BROKE ITS RABBITY HEART

WHEN I WAS BUT A SCHOOL CHILD AT SCHOOL I WAS A CHILD

ONCE THERE WAS A BEAR
HIS NAME WAS CHAD
CHAD DID BEAR THINGS LIKE SHIT IN THE WOODS AND EAT GOLDILOCKSES (CAUSE THEY TASTE NUMMY FOR EATING)
BUT ONE DAY
WHEN NOBODY EXPECTED IT
CHAD WENT CRAZY AND WORE BANANAS FOR UNDERWEARS ON HIS HEAD
ALSO HE KILLED PEOPLES
BUT MOSTLY HE JUST WORE UNDERWEAR
CHAD LIKED UNDERWEAR AND UNDERWEAR LIKED CHAD
THEY WERE GOING TO ELOPE TO CANADIA AND LIVE OFF THE LAND AND ALSO SLAVE LABOR
ALAS THEN THEY ALL DIED WITH BIG EXPLOSIONS AND THEIR BUTTS EXPLODED TOO

ONCE THERE WAS A TRASH
HE LIVED IN TRASHLAND WITH ALL THE TRASHY TRASH TRASHES
THEY WERE VERY HAPPY EXCEPT FOR WHEN THERE WERE WARS OR LEPROSY
SOMETIMES THERE WERE BOTH AND YOU HAD ALL THESE LEPERS FIGHT9ING EACH OTHER LIKE BEATING THEM WITH THEIR OWN LIMBS AND WHATNOT
OTHER TIMES THEY JUST CHILLED IN THE HOOD

SPEAKING OF THINGS THAT HAPPEN
MY FRIEND BARRY TOLD ME THAT WHEN YOU DRINK LOTS OF LIQUIDS AND EAT LOTS OF NOT LIQUIDS YOU POOP SOMETIMES
BUT BARRY SAYS A LOT OF THINGS

I HEARD THAT IN COLLEGE THERE ARE TROLLS THAT LIVE UNDER THINGS SO YOU CANT SEE THEM (BECAUSE THEYRE UNDER THINGS)
THIS SCARES ME
WHAT IF I WENT TO COLLEGE
AND WAS KIDNAPPED BY A TROLL
AND ALL MY FRIENDS LIKE BARRY AND MY PET DOG GO LIKE HEY WHAT IS GOING ON WITH ALL THE KIDNAPPING AND ALSO EATING OF PEOPLES
I WOULDNT WANT TO WORRY BARRY AND MY PET DOG

LET ME TELL YOU ABOUT A GIRL I KNOW
HER NAME WAS AND MAY STILL BE SELMA
OR BOB
OR LACEY
OR GERARD
OR FLEMMING
SO FLEMMING OR THIS GIRL ONCE ATE A WHOLE WHEELBARROW FULL OF BRICKS LIKE IT WAS NOTHING AND IT MAYBE WAS BECAUSE SHE SAID IT MIGHT MAYBE BE
I DON'T KNOW
IT'S COMPLICATED

THE PROBLEM WITH PANTS IS THAT THEY SOMETIMES RISE UP AND INSTIGATE SOCIALIST REVOLUTIONS
AND SOMETIMES THEY RIDE UP YOUR BUTT
I ONCE KNEW A PANTS
WE WERE THE BEST OF FRIENDS
WE WERE INSEPERABLE EXCEPT BY GLUE SOLVENT OR FIRE
COME TO THINK OF IT MOST THINGS ARE SEPERABLE BY FIRE
I ONCE SEPERATED THIS GUY FROM HIS PANTS WITH FIRE (DO YOU LIKE HOW I BROUGHT EVERYTHING TOGETHER LIKE THAT)

I HAVE A QUESTION THAT NEEDS ANSWERING
BUT I CAN'T TELL YOU IT BECAUSE I FORGET WHAT IT IS
IT PROBABLY INVOLVED EXPLOSIONS OR POOP OR EXPLODING POOP OR URANGUTANS OR POOPING EXPLOSIONS

THIS ONE TIME WHEN I WAS TOTALLY CRUNKED OR WHACKED OR WHATEVER IT IS THE KIDS CALL IT HAMBURGERS COST A NICKEL
GET OFF MY LAWN

I LOST MY PANTS
OH DEAR
WHATEVER WILL I DO WITHOUT PANTS
I WILL WANDER ABOUT IN A PANTSLESS DAZE
LACKING OF PANTS IN ALL FORMS
THE KIDS AT SCHOOL WILL CALL ME NAMES
AND MY FAMILY WILL DISOWN ME
THE WORLD WILL BE CATAPULTED INTO GLOBAL WAR

MY CHILDHOOD WAS SPENT MOSTLY EXPLODING
HELLO MY FRIENDS WOULD SAY (OR THEY WOULD IF I HAD ANY FRIENDS)
KABOOM I WOULD SAY AS I KERSPLODED ALL OVER THEIR PANTS AND SOCKS AND LILACS AND GERMANIUMS AND PETS AND LEET BOXEN AND NEPHEWS AND CELERY AND SCHOOLBUSES AND ALLOWANCE MONEY AND DOODADS AND MAGICAL ELVES AND CAULIFLOWER AND BUTTS

THIS OTHER TIME, I WAS LIKE TOTALLY ROCKIN OUT TO SOME TUNES ON THE JUKEBOX WHEN FIVE OR TWENTY PIRATES STARTED EATING PEOPLE AT ME
SO I WAS LIKE
HEY. LESS EATING PEOPLE
AND THE PIRATES SAID
LIKE YOUR MOM
WHICH WAS TOTALLY LAME CAUSE I DONT EVEN HAVE A MOM SO I WAS ALL IM GONNA SHOOT YOU WITH A GUN BUT THEN EVERYBODY EXPLODED AND DIED AND WAS DEAD

ONE PROBLEM WITH LARGE ANIMALS (THERE ARE MANY) IS FEEDING THEM
BECAUSE THEY'RE LARGE AND HAVE TO EAT LARGE THINGS OF WHICH THERE ARE LESS THAN MANY
I SOLVE THIS PROBLEM BY NOT FEEDING THEM
I AM A GENIUS AND WILL PROBABLY WIN THE NOBEL PRIZE FOR SMART

SO MY IMMEDIATE FAMILY IS COMPRISED MAINLY OF ROBOT
LIKE 89% ROBOT
SOME OF THEM ARE CYBORGS
THEY CALL ME "FLESHY ONE" AND MAKE THREATENING BEEPS AND WHIRRS AT ME
I WILL NEED COUNSELING

SO YESTERDAY I FOUND A MAGIC BUTT ON THE STREET
I DON'T KNOW HOW IT GOT THERE
IT WAS JUST LYING THERE
HELPLESS
I TOOK PITY ON IT AND TOOK IT HOME AND GAVE IT FOOD AND SHELTER
(BUTT FOOD AND SHELTER)
I WOKE UP THIS MORNING AND IT WAS GONE
IT LEFT A NOTE
"DO NOT TRY TO FIND ME"
"I WILL ONLY BRING HARM UPON YOU"
"I'M SORRY"
"I WILL ALWAYS REMEMBER YOU"
"I LOVE YOU"
"SINCERELY BUTT"

OK I FOUND MY PANTS

IN OLD COUNTRY WE HAVE SAYING
"NEVER THROW TWO BRICKS AT SAME DOG"
NOBODY KNOWS WHAT IT MEANS
BECAUSE WE HAVE NO DOGS IN OLD COUNTRY
WE EAT THEM LONG AGO
BECAUSE WE ARE SO POOR AND FOREIGN

I WOULD LIKE TO EXPLAIN SOMETHING TO YOU
I WAS NOT ALWAYS THE MAN OR MAN IMPERSONATOR YOU SEE BEFORE YOU
I WAS ONCE
SOMETHING ELSE
LIKE AN AARDVARK OR SOMETHING
I DON'T REALLY REMEMBER
I DRANK A LOT AT THE TIME AND IT'S ALL KIND OF A BLUR

I REMEMBER WELL MY FIRST CAR
IT WAS CAR-LIKE IN MANY WAYS
IT GOED ON ROADS
VROOM VROOM

YARRR I'M A PIRATE
IN THE SENSE THAT I PLUNDER THINGS
ONE TIME I PLUNDERED A TURTLE
THERE WAS BLOOD EVERYWHERE
OH GOD

YESTERDAY I QUIT MY JOB
I THINK MORE PEOPLE SHOULD QUIT THEIR JOBS
THEY SHOULD BE LIKE HEY WHAT IS THIS JOBBINESS THAT I DO AND WHY AM I PAID NOT ENOUGH OF THE MONEY
THEN I WILL TELL THEM ABOUT STUFF LIKE NOT JOBBING
AND THEY WILL FINALLY ACCEPT ME FOR WHO I AM INSTEAD OF HOW MANY FRUIT I CAN FIT IN MY DID I EVER TELL YOU ABOUT MY JOB
I WORKED AS A MECHANIC
I MECHANIZED THINGS LIKE CRAZY
OH MAN IF YOU COULD SEE THE MECHANIZATION THAT I PULLED YOU WOULD PROBABLY POOP YOURSELF OR EXPLODE

WHEN I HAVE A CHILD I AM GOING TO NAME HIM WILFORD MCGEORGE HANK BELVEDERE CHEESE MCMUFFIN POULTRY DINGLEBERRY STUDERHOUSER FLEMBLE FINKLESTEIN SCRAMBLEPUTTY FUFENFLARFLE GANDALF EGGS MELONBREAD GINGER SILVET BUTTERPOOP
BECAUSE I HATE CHILDREN