tamson

so my hair dresser aiden is moving in, (who used to live with MissCB) so thats kinda cool, i am actually really looking forward to him moving in, and S moving out because it meansi can redo the whole house and make it all neat and tidy cus most of the stuff laying about isnt mine, also it meansi get to move into the bigger room which also has built-ins
hurrah


So things with the boy.. well things were shit, so itold him he had to decide what he really wants if he wants to be with me or not cus it was pretty much half assed. He decided that he did want to be with me and blahblah then things were ok, i thought but now, its just back to the ame old crap again... I dont feel close to him, i get to hang out with him 1 time a week (sat nights) now because on friday nights he wants to stay at his house alone so that on saturday he can go do his stuff & whatever/ We cant see each other during the week (ie stay at each others place) because he ends up being late for work (cus he cant get up if im still in bed?).. so we live in the same basic suburb, and we can only see each other (ie spend the night) only on saturday, and well this weekend and next weekend i have plans out of sydney on saturday night so i suppose that means i wont be seeing him the next 2 weeks?

I feel like i cant even be myself around him, he constanttly talks about the girls he has slept with in the past and about girls that have wanted more but he didnt and how he stopped seeing them n stuff, and i just think is this a warning, am i next, so the weekend just gone i was quiet and didnt say much, because i felt like i had to watch everything that i said, like i would think nah i cant say think because he might think that i like him too much (heaven forbid) or i cant say that because he might think i want to much or am too clingy, so it was just easier not to say much at all... I didnt know how to act ..

I dont feel close to him, we really dont talk much during the week, just a few emails that dont really say much more then how are you how is your day etcetc, ad maybe that is my fault but there is really only so much you can say about your day and how you are, i can engage a conversation like i do with my other friends because i know he is busy and chances are he wont reply anyway. (i have email conversations all day long with a few friends)

i duno i thought everything was guuna be great and wonderfull, and we would be in love and totally smitten and be swept off my feet... but its really the opposite and well its hard to have that with someone that doesnt even believe in love.

Ive never been in love like that before, and i see my friends that are and i just think i really want that, maybe thats corny n crap, but i dont care im 24 and never had anything remotely close to that kind of love... and im willing to settle, id settle for half way close to that, someone that is nice and thoughtful and caring & just not afraid to show it..

but i am begining to think that is just a stupid dream a wish list that will never come true.. but maybe im just being a psycho bitch, maybe im not helping the situation.. but i dont know what to do, i like him & i dont want to end things or cause a hassle between us, but i just duno what to do.. if you think im being psycho please tell me!

so that is that rant/whinge/ apparantly i am good at it..

We did have a nice day on saturday, we went horse riding at glenworth valley, & it was ok, it was nice to be out in the bush kinda just away from the city even... buyt it just reminds me how less in common i have with most of my friends, and that makes me sad.. i love thinsg like camping horse riding bush walking & stuff like that, but i really dont know anyone else that does, n thats crap cus this is the stuff id like to do on a pretty regular basis, hell i even wanted to be a jillaroo for years, and i still do, (unfortunatly i have so much debt i have to keep working in the city) otherwise id just pack up n go right now, sell all my crap and just go find a farm and live there for the next year.. mm *dreams*

anyway
i think i should stop whinging and go watch the simpsons


Hope everyone is having a great week//s

I havent been commenting or updating my journal, but i do actually read everyones journals every night

& if anyone is on msn then email me and we can add each other

bai