From my tumblr:
Just a quick little life update for anyone who cares:
Im supposed to be writing papers right now, so Ill keep this as brief as possible. (I have 12-ish pages due between this coming Tuesday and the week after that, its rigoddamneddiculous how much work I have.)
That dissatisfaction I was feeling? Well its continued to grow since that post, and its since mutated into the kind of hatred I havent felt in a long long time. The kind of hatred that just burns and blisters under your skin until you want to just peel it off inch by inch. Im no longer dissatisfied with my life. No. I flat-out HATE the direction my life is taking. And I believe Ive finally tacked down the root of this hatred. Its not my living situation, its not the fact that Im still jobless, it all boils down to one fucking class. Biology.
Ive never really been a huge science nerd, but Ive always really loved Biology, and Ive always been good at it. Had I put in the right amount of effort in high school, I could have pulled As both semesters no problem. But this fucking class is literally killing me. Ive never felt so mentally and physically exhausted. Ive never stressed so much over one class in my life. (Okay, technically its more like two classes, since the lab is a whole separate class, but still.) After half a semester in this class, I fucking HATE Biology. This is the kind of thing Ive always been good at, but suddenly none of it makes sense, and of course theres never tutors around when I actually manage to get some time between classes. :/
Not to mention that this bullshit workload is impossible to keep up with. Im sorry, but I just think its unreasonable to assign a new assignment every single day we have class, and expect us to somehow have time to study in between doing all of these assignments AND all of our work for our other classes. Most of the people in this class are like me and have 5 classes this semester. How theyre managing to keep up is beyond me, but it probably has something to do with the fact that they live in a house where studying is actually possible because there's not constant screaming going on, have had constant access to the internet as well as the ability to print off the fancy class notes with pictures instead of having to copy off of the board, and also probably dont have untreated anxiety disorders that make it almost impossible to not get overwhelmed.
Okay, enough bitching about Biology. I feel like thats all I do anymore, probably because it is. When Im not studying it, Im complaining about it.
Anyway, what it comes down to is this: I was happy when I was a Psychology major. I barely had to study at all since everything just naturally made sense to me, I had free time to actually see friends once in a while, and I never had to worry about keeping my grades up. But in the 5-6 weeks that Ive been a Bio major, Ive been stressed to the point of sickness on an almost daily basis, Im working my ass off and still barely passing, and my work in my other classes is suffering because Im spending so much time on Biology.
I really wanted this to work, but Im ready to accept that this is just not the path Im meant to be on. Im not going to give it another semester like I had originally planned, since I feel that would just be a waste of my time (not to mention my dwindling college fund). Sure, the workload might be smaller with a different teacher, and the class might be easier once Im in a more specific Bio class and we can work at a slower pace, but the fact of the matter is Im just not enjoying this class anymore. Im finding that this is not something I can see myself doing for the rest of my life, or even for any real amount of time at all for that matter. I can keep pushing myself and deal with the fact that these ulcers arent going to go anywhere any time soon, but that just doesnt feel like the right thing to do.
I switched from being a Psych major to a Bio major on a whim because I was worried Id get too bored with how easy Psych was for me and end up slacking off, but Im willing to accept that that was a mistake. I wanted a challenge, but I went looking for it in the wrong place. I didnt need to switch majors to challenge myself. I just needed to find a new challenge. So Tuesday when I go back to school, Ill be making a stop in the counselors office to pick up the list of what classes Ill need to get back on track to be a Psych major. The new challenge will be to keep myself from getting bored by finding new, more challenging aspects of psychology to study each semester.
Id be lying if I said I didnt have any doubts at all about my decision, but I really feel like its the right thing to do. I can always just use some of that free time to study the aspects of Biology that interested me in the first place. That's what libraries are for, right?
Just a quick little life update for anyone who cares:
Im supposed to be writing papers right now, so Ill keep this as brief as possible. (I have 12-ish pages due between this coming Tuesday and the week after that, its rigoddamneddiculous how much work I have.)
That dissatisfaction I was feeling? Well its continued to grow since that post, and its since mutated into the kind of hatred I havent felt in a long long time. The kind of hatred that just burns and blisters under your skin until you want to just peel it off inch by inch. Im no longer dissatisfied with my life. No. I flat-out HATE the direction my life is taking. And I believe Ive finally tacked down the root of this hatred. Its not my living situation, its not the fact that Im still jobless, it all boils down to one fucking class. Biology.
Ive never really been a huge science nerd, but Ive always really loved Biology, and Ive always been good at it. Had I put in the right amount of effort in high school, I could have pulled As both semesters no problem. But this fucking class is literally killing me. Ive never felt so mentally and physically exhausted. Ive never stressed so much over one class in my life. (Okay, technically its more like two classes, since the lab is a whole separate class, but still.) After half a semester in this class, I fucking HATE Biology. This is the kind of thing Ive always been good at, but suddenly none of it makes sense, and of course theres never tutors around when I actually manage to get some time between classes. :/
Not to mention that this bullshit workload is impossible to keep up with. Im sorry, but I just think its unreasonable to assign a new assignment every single day we have class, and expect us to somehow have time to study in between doing all of these assignments AND all of our work for our other classes. Most of the people in this class are like me and have 5 classes this semester. How theyre managing to keep up is beyond me, but it probably has something to do with the fact that they live in a house where studying is actually possible because there's not constant screaming going on, have had constant access to the internet as well as the ability to print off the fancy class notes with pictures instead of having to copy off of the board, and also probably dont have untreated anxiety disorders that make it almost impossible to not get overwhelmed.
Okay, enough bitching about Biology. I feel like thats all I do anymore, probably because it is. When Im not studying it, Im complaining about it.
Anyway, what it comes down to is this: I was happy when I was a Psychology major. I barely had to study at all since everything just naturally made sense to me, I had free time to actually see friends once in a while, and I never had to worry about keeping my grades up. But in the 5-6 weeks that Ive been a Bio major, Ive been stressed to the point of sickness on an almost daily basis, Im working my ass off and still barely passing, and my work in my other classes is suffering because Im spending so much time on Biology.
I really wanted this to work, but Im ready to accept that this is just not the path Im meant to be on. Im not going to give it another semester like I had originally planned, since I feel that would just be a waste of my time (not to mention my dwindling college fund). Sure, the workload might be smaller with a different teacher, and the class might be easier once Im in a more specific Bio class and we can work at a slower pace, but the fact of the matter is Im just not enjoying this class anymore. Im finding that this is not something I can see myself doing for the rest of my life, or even for any real amount of time at all for that matter. I can keep pushing myself and deal with the fact that these ulcers arent going to go anywhere any time soon, but that just doesnt feel like the right thing to do.
I switched from being a Psych major to a Bio major on a whim because I was worried Id get too bored with how easy Psych was for me and end up slacking off, but Im willing to accept that that was a mistake. I wanted a challenge, but I went looking for it in the wrong place. I didnt need to switch majors to challenge myself. I just needed to find a new challenge. So Tuesday when I go back to school, Ill be making a stop in the counselors office to pick up the list of what classes Ill need to get back on track to be a Psych major. The new challenge will be to keep myself from getting bored by finding new, more challenging aspects of psychology to study each semester.
Id be lying if I said I didnt have any doubts at all about my decision, but I really feel like its the right thing to do. I can always just use some of that free time to study the aspects of Biology that interested me in the first place. That's what libraries are for, right?
VIEW 3 of 3 COMMENTS
And hey man, we all have doubts about our decisions. I literally just yesterday decided to drop the past 2 years of my life spent at a Junior College, to pursue a film school. I'm looking into my options now.