tallahassee

Oh boy, where to begin with this one. Im just going to skip right on past all the love is just an illusion bs everyone would probably expect me to say, because I think youve all heard that before.

Lets think this through logically, shall we? If true love is only ever to be had between two individuals out of the billions of humanoids creatures walking this earth, what the FUCK are the chances that youre ever going to meet that ONE other person youre destined to fall in love with? The odds are astronomical! The fact of the matter is, youre probably never going to meet that one special person who is your perfect match. So by dating other people other than that perfect person, youre just settling. You may think youre in love, but its probably not that special kind of love you read about in books or see in the movies, that love that can outlast the test of time, the kind of love that you can almost feel when you see an elderly couple out for their evening walk with their arms around each other like a couple of lovestruck schoolchildren. Its just the next best thing.

And how about the word love itself? Its thrown around so often and so carelessly these days, I cant help but wonder if half of all the people who use it even know what it means. What is love? Its not something you can describe with words. Its something so intangible it seems hard to believe its a reality at all, but it is to those of use who have felt its iron grip. Its not some fleeting little thing you feel for that boy you dated for a week back in high school. Its not something you can just forget about or get over once its lost. Once love has its hooks in you, it has you for life. It pulls at strings that make you twirl and dance like a marionette in the hands of a careless child, and if youre one of the lucky ones, it throws you into the arms of the one person who can save you from your foolish attempts to cut those strings. The one person who can make you feel like nothing else in the world could matter to them more than you, that the stars in the sky burn bright just for you and that the sun shines out of your ass. (Yes Im quoting Juno in my rant, get the fuck over it.) But thats only if youre really, REALLY lucky.

If youre lucky, but not quite so lucky to find your other half, then youll be one of those people that at least gets to taste real love just once in their short lifetime. This would be the category I fit into. Im going to go off on a tangent here for a sec, but I promise Ill go back into rant mode when its over.

My other halfs name was Jayson. He was a textbook hopeless romantic, the sweetest, most gorgeous, most respectful young man I have ever encountered in my almost 20 years on this earth, and I strongly doubt Ill ever meet anyone so special ever again. We had first met when we were too young to understand that boys were yucky and girls were spoiled little princesses, and no matter how far apart we moved, something just kept reuniting us throughout the years. Maybe it was fate, maybe it was just a coincidence, the fact of the matter is we were drawn to each other. We were best friends our whole life before finally deciding to become something more. Those last few months with him were unforgettable in the truest sense of the word. No amount of brain damage has taken that time away from me. (You hear that universe? you may have taken my childhood, and a good chunk of my teenage years, but you will NEVER take those memories.) But before I knew it he was ripped from my arms, and it was over. I wanted to die too. I couldnt imagine living the rest of my life knowing no guy would ever be right for me, knowing that every experience I had wanted to share with him would never happen.

So back to the topic at hand: What is love? Love, for me, is pain. Plain and simple. Love is knowing that I met my soulmate, and Ill never get to be with him. Love is feeling that gaping hole in my chest and feeling my eyes tear up every time I think of him. Love is finding out years later that his stupid fucking junkie mother fell asleep smoking and burned down their house, that she destroyed everything of his before I got up the courage to go and sort through it and take what I wanted. Love is knowing that Ill never be able to marry the person I was meant to be with, that Ill never have 2.5 of his kids and live in a house in the country with a white picket fence. Love is fucking torture.

But you know what? I wouldnt change a thing. Loving and losing Jay has made me the person I am today. I am strong, I am fierce, I am ME because of love. Sure it hurts to think about the things Ill never have with him, but I am one of the few people in the history of humanity who has ever had the chance to experience true love, and how many people can say that?

Thats why it bothers me so much to see all these fucking children just throwing that word around like its worthless. No, you dont love the guy youve been dating for 2 days, trust me. If you think thats love, I really and truly feel bad for you, because you clearly have no concept of the real thing. You may love your dog or your cat, you may love your parents, but you do no just go out and fall in love with some stranger after 48 hours. Get the fuck over yourself, and stop using words you dont understand. Theres a reason like and lust just dont have the same ring to it as love, its because they dont mean the same thing. Even if you think you love someone you just met, its probably just infatuation. In that case, I dont blame you for being confused. They can feel quite similar, especially to someone who has never felt the real thing. But until you do feel the real thing, just shut the fuck up and enjoy your lust, ok?

And I hate hearing people say things like love isnt worth it, why go through all that just to have your heart broken? (cough cough, you know who you are and I hope youre reading this, cough cough) Love, real, TRUE love, is most definitely worth the pain, I can tell you that firsthand. If youre really, truly in love, and you just sit back and let that pass you by, then congratulations. Because of all the worthless peons on this earth, you are the kind of person I hate the most. To let something like that pass you by is so unbelievably stupid it should result in instant death. If you really and truly love someone, DO SOMETHING ABOUT IT. No one wants to sit and listen to you whine for the rest of your life about the one that got away! I dont care how hard it is to tell them, just fucking do it already! I dont care what your reasons are, if you dont jump on the fucking opportunity train when it stops right in front of you, you dont deserve to live. Its that simple.

And that about sums up my thoughts on love. Thanks to those of you who actually read all of this, I put a lot of thought into it. To the rest, even though you wont read this, fuck off right back to whatever smelly vagina you crawled out of.