tallahassee

my other idea for that was that i would get the bro tat i was supposed to get to match my bf who died a few years ago, we were going to get hearts over the webbing between our thumbs and first finger on our right hands with each other's initials in them, so that we'd always be holding each other's hearts. (insert annoying "awwwwwwwwwww" here), but he died before i got around to getting my own done, and i just don't want to pay the $50 fee at a shop to get it done. so i thought maybe i'd see if i could get that done and just suck it up and deal with whatever price is offered to me, since it's something i've wanted for a long time now (and something i think i'll always cherish, since i don't have any pictures or material things to remind me of him.)

with this whole brain damage issue, i'm always afraid that one day i'll forget him altogether. i know it's not likely, but the thought that that's even a possiblity bothers me to no end. so maybe if i got the tattoo, i'd always have that reminder of him so that i couldn't forget him? yesterday would have been his birthday if he were still here. he would have been 21. i know that he wouldn't have spent it out at a bar where he would spend the whole time thinking about the fact that i couldn't celebrate with him, we'd have spent it sitting out under the stars together, snuggled under blankets together with mugs of hot cocoa (of the irish variety of course XD) just celebrating surviving one more year together in this hellpit we all call life. he was the sweetest, most respectful, romantic guy i've ever met, and i think it's safe to say the reason i've never been able to hold a stable relationship since he died is because to this day no one else will ever be good enough for me. we were soulmates in the truest sense of the word. we knew each other almost since birth, but we always felt this sense that we'd known each other even longer than that. that we'd always been together, that we would always BE together. even now, i don't feel like he's really left me. physically, he may be gone, but his spirit will be right here with me until the day when we can look into each other's eyes again, in the next life.

i feel unexplainably strong connections with other time periods, i know them the same way that i know this one that we're in right now, and he always had the same feelings about the same times. i can tell you right now, i have lived as a servant in the house of some royal family in medieval times, and he was right there with me. we were hippies together at woodstock. i feel it in my soul the same way i feel that we can never be separated by any force, of this world or any other. we've been together since the beginning of time, and we'll be together for the end as well. they say true love never dies, and i'd have to agree. true love is something that surpasses time and space and anything scientifically explainable. it's a force of nature so complex we can never even hope to understand it. and to find that person who you share that force with, it gives you this unexplainable sense of hope for the future. so what if i'm dying? that just means i'm one day closer to uniting again with my other half. i've spent countless hours dreaming up the possibilities of where we'll be together in the next life. could we be space explorers on the first ship to a newly colonized planet? eco-warriors preserving the last of the world's forests from being torn down to build houses and schools and countless THINGS to support overpopulation? or maybe we won't even be people. maybe we'll be some new species of beast that doesn't even exist yet. the possibilities are endless. all i know is this: WHATever we are, WHEREever we are, we will be there together. there is no doubt in my mind about that.