i've decided to quit my online bdd support group. it's not helping anymore. maybe it's just because i'm sick, who knows, but lately i've been feeling worse and worse about my looks. i'm still going to pursue my dream of becoming a suicidgirl. it's still at the top of my priorities, that much hasn't changed. i've just come to terms with the fact that i'll never be skinny or pretty like everyone else on here. i'll probably never go pink, probably never have set of the day. reassure me all you want, the fact of the matter is when i look in the mirror i don't see someone beautiful or front-page-worthy. just lumpy, big-nosed me. with all my acne scars and cellulite clearly visible no matter how much makeup i cake on or how baggy my clothes are.
i've been eating right, i've actually been getting exercise, and yet i'm not getting any smaller. my clothes don't fit any better than they did before, and if anything they fit even worse. even with all the healthy food and exercise, i'm still getting bigger! the temptation is getting worse and worse every day to step on that scale and see just how fat i've let myself get today. i'm sure i would be horrified if i actually knew my weight. it's bad enough having to guess. at least before when i thought i weighed too much i could blame it on my boobs, but my stomach, arms, butt, and thighs have more than caught up to my chest. forget breast reduction, it's going to take an entire body's worth of lipo to make me satisfied anymore.
the worst part is, no one even knows how hard this is for me. how much i want to just starve myself until i can look in the mirror without wanting to cry. one of my really good friends told me she dropped 2 pants sizes in a couple weeks, and i literally just wanted to hit myself for even considering eating a cookie not 10 minutes before. one cookie. i can't even have one measly little cookie anymore without feeling guilty. it just makes me wonder what happened between now and that time when i was so satisfied with my body that the only thing i would ever change was to make my boobs smaller so my back wouldn't hurt all the time. what happened? about 50 lbs happened. it feels like 200 but it really can't be more than 50. i used to be able to squeeze into a pair of size 1 jeans now and then, now i'm lucky if i can fit into 7s. granted, i was anorexic when i fit into 1s, but that's the kind of thinking i've found myself doing again lately. and i've come to the conclusion that that's just the mindset i'm going to be stuck in for the rest of my life. unless i somehow discover some miracle cure to lose 50 lbs by next summer, i'm just going to have to continue to be miserable when it comes to my appearance. the best i can do is to just accept it. maybe a couple years ago i was everyone's hot friend, but now i'm just the fat one. not even the fat one with a great personality, bc no matter how positive i've been lately all anyone seems to remember about me is my major depressive episode.
just to be clear, i'm not looking for attention or reassurances. i know i'm a good person, i know i'm intelligent, but no matter how much anyone tells me i'm never going to believe that i'm beautiful or attractive. that's just not me. just let me get used to being the fat friend so i can maybe regain my sense of humor about this whole situation.
i've been eating right, i've actually been getting exercise, and yet i'm not getting any smaller. my clothes don't fit any better than they did before, and if anything they fit even worse. even with all the healthy food and exercise, i'm still getting bigger! the temptation is getting worse and worse every day to step on that scale and see just how fat i've let myself get today. i'm sure i would be horrified if i actually knew my weight. it's bad enough having to guess. at least before when i thought i weighed too much i could blame it on my boobs, but my stomach, arms, butt, and thighs have more than caught up to my chest. forget breast reduction, it's going to take an entire body's worth of lipo to make me satisfied anymore.
the worst part is, no one even knows how hard this is for me. how much i want to just starve myself until i can look in the mirror without wanting to cry. one of my really good friends told me she dropped 2 pants sizes in a couple weeks, and i literally just wanted to hit myself for even considering eating a cookie not 10 minutes before. one cookie. i can't even have one measly little cookie anymore without feeling guilty. it just makes me wonder what happened between now and that time when i was so satisfied with my body that the only thing i would ever change was to make my boobs smaller so my back wouldn't hurt all the time. what happened? about 50 lbs happened. it feels like 200 but it really can't be more than 50. i used to be able to squeeze into a pair of size 1 jeans now and then, now i'm lucky if i can fit into 7s. granted, i was anorexic when i fit into 1s, but that's the kind of thinking i've found myself doing again lately. and i've come to the conclusion that that's just the mindset i'm going to be stuck in for the rest of my life. unless i somehow discover some miracle cure to lose 50 lbs by next summer, i'm just going to have to continue to be miserable when it comes to my appearance. the best i can do is to just accept it. maybe a couple years ago i was everyone's hot friend, but now i'm just the fat one. not even the fat one with a great personality, bc no matter how positive i've been lately all anyone seems to remember about me is my major depressive episode.
just to be clear, i'm not looking for attention or reassurances. i know i'm a good person, i know i'm intelligent, but no matter how much anyone tells me i'm never going to believe that i'm beautiful or attractive. that's just not me. just let me get used to being the fat friend so i can maybe regain my sense of humor about this whole situation.
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Ha! Yeah, I put a lot of work into the amount of geeky crap in my room. Some days I look at it and I marvel at all the cash I put into everything, then other days it makes me angry because I'll realize how much cash I put into everything.