my laptop probably has a virus. the only possible cause anyone could come up with since i don't download things, don't install new programs, and just generally don't do anything new to it without the approval of someone much more technologically advanced than myself? porn sites. who used my laptop for porn sites? my loser asshole ex, who ASSURED me, REPEATEDLY, "the sites i use are safe, you can't get viruses from them!" really? then how do i have viruses??? only 2 ppl have ever installed anything on my laptop ever. 1 works with computers for a living, so i KNOW he would never have done anything that would risk me getting a virus, and the other happens to be a bit of a genius with these things, so again, i KNOW he didn't give me a virus. so, if those sites were so safe, then why is my laptop now completely fucked??? i would really like to believe that the ex is not to blame, believe me, i would. but i just don't. i was already well aware that the guy (who can't even manage to pass high school, the dumbass!) was an idiot, but i was sure he would at least have enough respect for me and my property to maybe not do things that would put viruses on my computer. i would really like to think that he caerd that much. but i just don't. i just can't bring myself to believe it.
either way, i fully expect him to replace it if it can't be fixed, since it was his stupid ass that caused it to be so fucked up in the first place. that's not too much to ask, is it? i don't think so. this was just one extra stress that i DID NOT need in my life right now. i already have way more than i can handle.
take this whole stupid "college" experience. a couple more days like my last few and that's it, i'm dropping out, end of story. it's not worth it to keep my insurance if i have to be miserable all the time bc of a school that i don't even want to go to in the first place. no one talks to me, i have to sit alone at lunch (and i can see everyone around me glancing over every 2 seconds, probably wondering what's wrong with me that i don't even have one single friend to eat lunch with), and i can't even manage to stay awake in class half the time bc i'm STILL not sleeping at night. and no one has done anything at all to try and fix this.
what the hell happened to my life? i used to be happy at least some of the time! now everything just keeps falling apart a little at a time and i'm starting to worry that if i let myself be happy for even just a second, then that second that i let my guard down i'll lose the little bit of control i still have over things. (ha, that's funny, thinking i have any control anymore. who the hell am i kidding? i haven't been in control over my life for months now!) anyone who says this generation has it easy is fucked in the head. i've worked my ass off my whole life just to keep my head above water, and every single goddamn day i slip farther and farther down. these days i feel more like i'm scuba diving than swimming, and my tank is running out of air. who the fuck was i kidding, thinking a BOOK would fix things? as if pieces of paper could somehow make my years and years of searching for a decent job worthwhile, as if a BOOK could make me really, truly happy for even a second, as if a BOOK could make me stop getting sick all the time so maybe i would be able to drop these classes that make me so miserable and not have to worry about the possibility of not having insurance. yeah. that seems likely that the entrails of some long-dead tree could do all that. sure.
i'm sick and fucking tired of faking it. i'm not happy. i'm fucking miserable for chrissakes. i just want this all to be over. all this stress is making me sicker than ever. my chest hurts more and more every day, so i know my heart's only getting worse. all this stress can't be helping any. if this doesn't just stop. if "GOD" doesn't stop fucking with me soon it might just give out.
i used to believe in karma, but there is no way in hell i ever did ANYTHING, in this life or any other, to deserve the shit that has happened to me in my life. fuck karma. it's all just the same old bullshit people have told themselves for centuries to give themselves hope. hope for what? everyone dies. EVERYONE. you may live one life, you may live 10, but the fact of the matter is that eventually YOU'RE STILL GOING TO DIE. for anyone else they might just have the opportunity to go out and live life to the fullest. well i'm just hoping i'm here long enough to have to worry about renewing my subscription in april. working for habitat for humanity in the summer. going to college next year. and if i'm not, it kills me to think that i'm spending my last months here on earth wasting my time IN A FUCKING COMMUNITY COLLEGE. if i'm just going to die anyway, someone please tell me now bc i'll just go join the peace corps like i had originally intended, before the doctors said i was too sick for the vaccinations. if i'm going to die anyway, fuck the vaccinations. i'd rather die of malaria in some third-world county while building homes or treating sick ppl than living comfortably in fucking suburbia going to classes that mean nothing where no one would even notice if i just stopped showing up one day anyway. i've tried praying, i've tried everything. i don't want to know the meaning of life or anything unanswerable like that, i just have one simple question. i just want to know when. i don't even care how or why. someone just please tell me now if i'm going to make it through the year. that's all i'm asking. why is that such a hard question to answer?
either way, i fully expect him to replace it if it can't be fixed, since it was his stupid ass that caused it to be so fucked up in the first place. that's not too much to ask, is it? i don't think so. this was just one extra stress that i DID NOT need in my life right now. i already have way more than i can handle.
take this whole stupid "college" experience. a couple more days like my last few and that's it, i'm dropping out, end of story. it's not worth it to keep my insurance if i have to be miserable all the time bc of a school that i don't even want to go to in the first place. no one talks to me, i have to sit alone at lunch (and i can see everyone around me glancing over every 2 seconds, probably wondering what's wrong with me that i don't even have one single friend to eat lunch with), and i can't even manage to stay awake in class half the time bc i'm STILL not sleeping at night. and no one has done anything at all to try and fix this.
what the hell happened to my life? i used to be happy at least some of the time! now everything just keeps falling apart a little at a time and i'm starting to worry that if i let myself be happy for even just a second, then that second that i let my guard down i'll lose the little bit of control i still have over things. (ha, that's funny, thinking i have any control anymore. who the hell am i kidding? i haven't been in control over my life for months now!) anyone who says this generation has it easy is fucked in the head. i've worked my ass off my whole life just to keep my head above water, and every single goddamn day i slip farther and farther down. these days i feel more like i'm scuba diving than swimming, and my tank is running out of air. who the fuck was i kidding, thinking a BOOK would fix things? as if pieces of paper could somehow make my years and years of searching for a decent job worthwhile, as if a BOOK could make me really, truly happy for even a second, as if a BOOK could make me stop getting sick all the time so maybe i would be able to drop these classes that make me so miserable and not have to worry about the possibility of not having insurance. yeah. that seems likely that the entrails of some long-dead tree could do all that. sure.
i'm sick and fucking tired of faking it. i'm not happy. i'm fucking miserable for chrissakes. i just want this all to be over. all this stress is making me sicker than ever. my chest hurts more and more every day, so i know my heart's only getting worse. all this stress can't be helping any. if this doesn't just stop. if "GOD" doesn't stop fucking with me soon it might just give out.
i used to believe in karma, but there is no way in hell i ever did ANYTHING, in this life or any other, to deserve the shit that has happened to me in my life. fuck karma. it's all just the same old bullshit people have told themselves for centuries to give themselves hope. hope for what? everyone dies. EVERYONE. you may live one life, you may live 10, but the fact of the matter is that eventually YOU'RE STILL GOING TO DIE. for anyone else they might just have the opportunity to go out and live life to the fullest. well i'm just hoping i'm here long enough to have to worry about renewing my subscription in april. working for habitat for humanity in the summer. going to college next year. and if i'm not, it kills me to think that i'm spending my last months here on earth wasting my time IN A FUCKING COMMUNITY COLLEGE. if i'm just going to die anyway, someone please tell me now bc i'll just go join the peace corps like i had originally intended, before the doctors said i was too sick for the vaccinations. if i'm going to die anyway, fuck the vaccinations. i'd rather die of malaria in some third-world county while building homes or treating sick ppl than living comfortably in fucking suburbia going to classes that mean nothing where no one would even notice if i just stopped showing up one day anyway. i've tried praying, i've tried everything. i don't want to know the meaning of life or anything unanswerable like that, i just have one simple question. i just want to know when. i don't even care how or why. someone just please tell me now if i'm going to make it through the year. that's all i'm asking. why is that such a hard question to answer?
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Second: I wanna see this T-Shirt purse of yours.