tallahassee

i am in literally the EXACT same place with my life as i was a year ago today. nothing has changed, except that i've accomplished even less this year than last year. i have the same lack of friends, the same depression, and the same longing for a person and a life that i can never have. it feels just wonderful to know that i've wasted another year of my short life. i have done and learned nothing in the past year to make that time on this earth worthwhile. why should i even bother trying with all these meds that just fuck with my head anyway, when i'm just going to keep making the same mistakes year after year anyway? why bother trying to improve myself or my life when i'm only setting myself up for disappointment anyway? why trust anyone when everyone just leaves in the end? why? so many questions, and i can't come up with one good answer. so that's it. i'm done. i'm tired of always trying trying trying, trying so hard to get "better", trying to be healthy and sane enough to keep even just one friend for longer than a year, when it always fails in the end anyway. i'm tired of trying to find some purpose for my life when every day it just gets clearer and clearer that there isn't one. im convinced my purpose is to be just as miserable as i am now so that everyone i come into contact with will have an example of what not to be like. it's the only thing that makes sense. i'm still waiting to wake up and find out that the whole last year was just one big bad dream. that none of this ever happened. that i can just learn from this year and not make these mistakes. bc now that i've made them, now that i threw my entire life away for a guy who i'm convinced never truly loved me in the first place, it's too late. the scholarships i got are gone, the job opportunity is gone, the money i saved to travel europe is gone, and so is the guy. i would have settled for just him. everything in my life could have fallen apart, but as long as i had him i would have been happy.

that's really the root of this depression, i knew for a while now that i didn't have him. everything i gave up was all for nothing, my life DID fall apart, and i didn't have him to keep me sane. so i fell apart too. just like humpty dumpty. and also like humpty dumpty, all the kings horses and all the kings men will never be able to put me together again. it was just one deception and one disappointment too many for this old egg to take. i've resigned to never let this happen ever again. i'll never again let anyone else in so that they can claw their way back out as soon as they get bored of me. bc everyone does eventually. get bored of me that is. i've always thought i lead a fairly interesting life, but looking back, it was all just this same thing, over and over again. i let people in, they tear my heart out and then abandon me to deal with the pain myself. over and over. no one has ever done any different. yes, i push people away. and that is why. even my dogs don't really love me. they're not really mine. they're my moms. and they act like hers.

just once i want something that i can love that will love me back unconditionally, no matter how hard things get. but i can never have that. i'm convinced now. of all the failed relationships i've been a part of, the only thing in common is ME. so clearly I must be the problem. there must be something wrong with ME. idk what it is, bc no one ever tells me, so i'll never be able to fix it. well can someone please tell me? anyone? what am i doing wrong? bc i'm so lost right now. none of this makes any sense to me. living in general just doesnt make sense anymore. its all one disappointment after another, and how much more can i take before i pass the point of no return?

i'm pretty sure i'm already there. almost positive in fact. bc i don't feel the pain of loss anymore. i don't feel that hope of new things to come. i don't feel anything. all i can feel is this gaping hole in my chest where my heart used to be. but it doesnt hurt. no, it just feels empty. i imagine this must be what amputees feel after their arm or leg is cut off. "phantom pains" they call it. but it's not pain really. it's just an emptiness. there used to be a heart there, and it used to long for things it could never have. that hurt. the pain of that longing nearly killed me more than once. if i werent such a coward and i'd actually made the effort to go through with it, it would have. but even that's gone now. theres just nothing. and that's the worst thing that i've felt yet.

am i alive? i guess. but to be perfectly honest i don't feel like i am anymore. i've really been making an effort to go on with my life, but every single thing i've tried has failed. my friends wont even talk to me, i can't even get into classes at the FUCKING COMMUNITY COLLEGE, the pills that were supposed to make me better only made me worse, and now i'm facing having to take robot pills instead. tomorrow. i go for them tomorrow. but i don't want them. those pills take away your true self. they put a happy, smiling robot in your place. and everyone likes robot you better. but you don't care because the pills dull your real mind. they make you feel like everything is better but it's not. life still sucks, your friends still secretly hate you, and you're still sick.

i don't want that. i don't want to FEEL better. i want to BE better. and i don't think that i can get there on pills alone. i need to go away. somewhere with padded walls and restraints on your bed for when you can't tell if you're dreaming or if there really are bugs crawling under your skin, where a nice old lady brings you a dixie cup full of happiness every morning and another full of sweet, dreamless sleep every night. i just need a break. i need a vacation from all this insanity inside my head. i just want to go to sleep until this is all over. bc that's the only way i'm ever going to get any better. this is all just too much to handle at once. something inside me has snapped, and it needs some time off to repair itself. time off from thinking, time off from this confusion.

you guys have all been great, thanks to those of you who put up with me as long as you have. but tomorrow, when i go to that appointment, i'm going to recommend that i be institutionalized for a while. i just don't see another way to get past this. its not the breakup, it's not the friends leaving, it's not losing the apartment and every last shred of dignity with that loss, it's everything combined. it's just been too much. it's been too hard of a year, and i just need a break.