so the worst weekend ever has progressed into the rest of the week so far. i don't understand what the hell i did to piss off whatever god there is up there or out there or whatever, i've always tried to be a good person, but for whatever reason for the past year or so he/she/it has just fucked with me nonstop. before i was dealing with it. i was staying positive. i could handle the fact that for every small joy i experienced there would be several weeks of physical or emotional stress and pain. but a whole fucking year? jesus fucking christ on a bagel i'm only human! i can only take so much! i have lost everything that was mine, including my dignity, but just when i thought i had nothing left to lose, WHAM! another disappointment hits me square in the chest. i only have one thing left to lose and i can feel him slipping farther and farther every day that i have to go without seeing him. which is one more. bc he canceled on me. again. granted most of the times before it wasn't entirely his fault, it was just other shit coming up that neither of us could get out of in any way shape or form, so i can't really blame anyone but the god(s) who has/have decided they hate me for some reason. and now bc i've been depressed (big surprise, who the fuck wouldnt be in my situation?) rather than help or try to cheer me up in any way, the majority of my so-called friends have decided to ignore me completely. they don't even answer my texts anymore. ik i'm not the most amusing person to be around these days, but i'm fucking trying ok? having everyone blow me off all the fucking time is NOT going to help me cheer up any faster.
if anyone has actually cared enough to read this, i really do appreciate it a lot. i'm sorry i didn't get to most of your comments on my last blog, but that mood has kinda carried over since then so i wasn't feeling very sociable. (ironic considering the whole reason i was depressed at all was bc everyone abandoned me when i needed them the most.)
well i'm going to go stare at my ceiling while i wait for the exhaustion to knock me out. i would be trying to sleep already, bc i was SUPPOSED to have plans, but now since i don't i don't think i feel much like getting out of bed at all. hell it might even do me some good if i were to just skip a couple meals while i'm at it. no mother, i don't need you to get me to a shrink as soon as possible. it can definitely wait til the 18th. no, the packing was definitely more important than my mental health.
and now i'm talking to someone who isnt even here and won't even read this. yeah. i really have lost it. fml idk y you guys even bother to read my blogs anymore. i'm depressing MYSELF now.
if anyone has actually cared enough to read this, i really do appreciate it a lot. i'm sorry i didn't get to most of your comments on my last blog, but that mood has kinda carried over since then so i wasn't feeling very sociable. (ironic considering the whole reason i was depressed at all was bc everyone abandoned me when i needed them the most.)
well i'm going to go stare at my ceiling while i wait for the exhaustion to knock me out. i would be trying to sleep already, bc i was SUPPOSED to have plans, but now since i don't i don't think i feel much like getting out of bed at all. hell it might even do me some good if i were to just skip a couple meals while i'm at it. no mother, i don't need you to get me to a shrink as soon as possible. it can definitely wait til the 18th. no, the packing was definitely more important than my mental health.
and now i'm talking to someone who isnt even here and won't even read this. yeah. i really have lost it. fml idk y you guys even bother to read my blogs anymore. i'm depressing MYSELF now.
I can, though, comment on depression, as I'm still working on mine (another few weeks will be 7 years since it smacked me upside the head.) Even after years of treatment, Yes, there are periods when I am lonely and wishing people would call -- and yet at the same time not feeling at all like going out or emailing or even just "lurking" and reading what other people are up to. What you describe is familiar to me, and unfortunately I don't know of any cure other than time.
Though talking to my therapist seems to help, even if it's just telling her that I'm in a bad mood and I don't know why, that nothing special happened... the relief isn't immediate, and those kind of sessions have me feeling unfocused and like nothing was "accomplished" (no 'solution' was found, no hidden problem rooted out and held up to the light)... but somehow it helps.
I ought to be feeling pretty bad, various stresses at home, not even getting much cuddling lately... and various members of my family are having a really rough time and there's nothing I can realistically do to help them... but I'm doing okay enough this week, ever since I dumped out my "down and I don't know why" at my therapist last week.
In regards to people not returning calls / messages... I read the blogs or postings of a number of people here and on some other sites, and hardly any of them are happy the last few months, and more people than not at work are unhappy about something. Mind you, my co-workers and the people on the other sites tend to be closer to my own age (or even about as old as my mother).... and our health is starting to get a bit wobbly and our parent's health is starting to become a major concern... and we or our relatives of the same generation are getting to Mid-Life Crisis kind of ages. A lot of people hurting these days... and if not due to their own direct problems, then due to trying to "support" or help people close to them who are having rough times.
Oh.... it's late. Well, I hope you made it to sleep, with peaceful dreams.