tallahassee

so it's been a bad week. a really really bad week. and the more i think about it, the more it makes sense to me that since i'm already mostly moved out, i might as well just not come back after i go to my mom's this weekend. the only problem there is, if i do then i wont have any motivation to come back and move the rest of my stuff. but i figure if i can get just one or two ppl to help me then i should be able to pack everythign else up in a day or less, it's really not that much stuff, and most of it doesnt even need to be sorted.

this comes from the fact that no matter how much time i've tried to spend with my friends, every time they leave i'm a little more miserable than before. no matter how good of a day we had, i still can't sleep at night bc i'm so overwhelmed by these negative emotions. and last night was the worst. i've been off painkillers since last november or december, but for whatever reason last night something in me made me call up my ex (who also happened to be my old morphine dealer). it was one of the dumbest things i think i've ever done, and i was too afraid of the consequences to come clean to my bf. i did however mention that i'm going to look for na meetings, so idk maybe he'll catch on and at least realize that i'm taking responsibility for my mistake and making sure that it doesnt happen again. i really don't know what made me do it, and i'm so ashamed and angry at myself for destroying nearly a year's worth of really hard work for no good reason. but i'm taking the first step and admitting that i really do have a problem that i can't deal wiht on my own, no matter how much i may have insisted i could in the past. god i just feel like such an idiot. i wouldnt even post anything about it but i really need it to be out in the open and off my chest.

i've also come to the realization that it's only when i'm sitting alone in the apartment that i become really truly depressed, and it just makes sense that i should just stay at my mom's where i'm near most of my friends and the people who i need the most right now. so what i've decided is that i'm going to try to round up a couple ppl to help me move everything else, pick a good day, and just get it all done and over with. but until then, i'm going to pack all my essentials so that when my mom pics me up on friday i'll have everything i can't live without for the next couple weeks already ready to go. i'm moving a large amount of the furniture on friday as well, so i just really don't see any reason to come back to a place that makes me so utterly miserable.

so i think that was a slightly more positive blog than my last couple. hopefully it will only get better from here. and if anyone happens to have a truck who might not mind helping move furniture that would be immensely helpful. thanks for listening guys. and wish me luck in finding meetings, maybe i won't get kicked out this time!