tallahassee

ok so i'm stealing interwebz from the neighbors right now, and i'm not sure how long the signal's going to last, so i'll try to make this as brief as possible. well my blood infection may have come back, and it might be my own fault. whoop dee frickin doo on that one. yay for me. my dumbass almost kills myself again. awesomesause. i'm hoping it wasn't tho, bc if its not the infection making me sick again it was either food poisoning like i thought it was, or something else that i really dont want to even think about at all. and i've found 2 bugs in my apartment in the past 2 days. not normal housebugs like little spiders n shit, bc i found a shit ton of those, and rightly so as its a ground floor apartment, but big bugs. yesterday i found a cricket, which i put outside bc i like crickets, and today i found a beetle thingy (im hoping its a beetle and not a roach or something nasty like that.) which i am taking up to resident services later to have identified and find out if i need an exterminator. i'm down to only 40 minutes on my phone already, i still have no tv, i need to buy more food and can't really afford to unless i don't buy anything else for the next week, so i'm only going to buy things that will hold up well for that long and htat i don't really like so i won't be tempted to eat them too fast and run out of food altogether. and i'm nearly going insane with the isolation of being out here where i don't know ANYONE and i barely have enough minutes on my phone to make plans. all my younger friends start school on wednesday, and all my friends my own age or older have already started, and i feel so alone bc i'm the only one who isn't going to school right now and i feel like everything has been falling apart this week and i'm going to be left all alone to pick up the pieces if things dont work themselves out.

yes, i'm panicking quite a bit, just like i always do when somehting changes so drastically. the first few days were beautiful and special and i felt so free and awesome because i had no one to tell me what to do, but now im just so confused and disoriented and really really alone for the first time ever and i'm realizing exactly how bad that is for me to be. i feel like i'm in some kind of plastic bubble and everything is happening around me but none of it's actually happening TO me, if that makes any sense at all. i feel like my sanity is slipping and it's not a pleasant feeling at all. i need to find a job and get myself back on a somewhat normal schedule again so i can stop feeling like everything is crumbling around me. maybe i'll get back online again soon? maybe i'll lose track of time again for another week and i'll be back next monday or tuesday or whatever fucking day it is today. maybe not. who knows. thank the stoners upstairs for having an unsecured internet connection that i could use at least for tonight tho. thank them very much. i am. i needed to get that rant out. i feel much better already, tho i'm not sure its a good thing to feel better after a conversation with yourself, i thinnk that acutally makes me officially crazy. well, cart me off to the loony bin, at least there will be other ppl there.