takoda

I thought the better I got the better life could be. The stronger I was the easier things would be. But nothing seems to change, there is always still something in the way, and maybe that's how it's suppose to be. I can't be the only one to feel this way, yet I don't see others feeling what I feel. LOST is not the word for me, I can't be lost because I know I am me. ALONE, but I am not truly alone. Maybe I didn't realize being in love having someone in my life was such a powerful thing, I shouldn't have done it at such a young age. Is my heart broken, is my mind? I keep feeling sick but the only place I think I could be sick is my soul. Confused when I look in the mirror, I don't see me. I'm not unhappy but I don't feel free. I tell myself all I want is someone to hold n to love. Someone to give myself too, but why can't I give myself that. Unstable but at the same time okay, sometimes I don't remember my first name, or how I ended up where I am. I hide under my bed and in my closet hopping the monster can make room for another. Death wouldn't take me and life seems to hurt me. I just want something but I don't know what or where. I feel my wings growing, but I end up with them chopped bloody and bruised. I hope one day this mess will make since, my reality slips from one to another. I clean and clean but the more I do the more I stubble on. I gave up partying, drugs, all my the heavy weight holding me back. Nothings changed, I'm still me. Working everyday, running, playing, expressing.. everything I do still leads to the same feelings and emotions. I don't remember anything but the pain of growing.. is that why I still feel pain when I grow? Should I be excepting for everything to fall apart because it's all I know? When did these thoughts come into mind? Why have a fallen so low. Why do I feel someone can set me free? I had so much hope and I'm on my way to succeed. By my 24th birthday I will be free.. Free of this debt that life had dropped on me. I hear that money should be what holds me back but it's all C.R.E.A.M (cash rules everything around me). How can I travel with just a big heart, how can I feed mine with a smile. I've been working 10 years strait, it's all I know. So close to my goal, never have I been in a place to not live check to check. Never have I been in a place where I could spend a little something with out feeling guilty. It's all I've ever wanted and I'm so close. Yet all I can think is to celebrate at the edge of a cliff. What will I do, why do I have such a big heart, why do people look at me the way they do? Nervous to feel nervous. Can't speak when I want to. Change is everyday. Open minded, but closed off. I speak to much and it's my biggest turn off. I don't believe what I have to say holds any beauty or can benefit another. Just bring someone into my life, someone to grow with, someone to cuddle, someone to love.