- I just put in my two weeks in at a job that I worked at for over 4 years. I've been thinking of quitting for 4 years. How does that much time pass? Really? It frightens me to think that I need to be so comfortable with my surroundings that I'll choose to do something I don't want to for 4 years. Maybe I had to? I don't know. No. I didn't have to. Why do I always look for excuses for my piss-poor actions? I was/am weak. I need to accept that. Grow from that. Ameliorate.
- I applied to about 5 unpaid internships. I'm 29. I can't tell if I have to go back, all the way back - to the beginning, to start anew. That's how deep in indecision I'm in. I know nothing. Again. I know I can't work at that job. That's the first step. Now, where's the goal line? Time, look favorably in hindsight.
- You know what? I leave just about everything behind after 4 years. Was 1980 a leap year? Just checked. Yup. Huh. What's that mean? I'm a transient? I can't commit? I think I have to see a life coach, or take yoga, or truly accept everything I think I do, but actually don't. ....like why do I only get excited when I am doing something that destroys me? Why can't I be excited to go to the gym? Eat carrots? Function in the real world? I know better. Put a few cigarettes, and Johnnie Walker in a pint glass in front of me, and you'll feel molested by my wide eyes, and ear to ear grin. Time to accept overall health as being an issue, old man. Everything in me has become viral. Even my computer. I remember getting so many e-mails, I would just forward stuff to my booking agent. Once.
- I was once a respected musician. A musician that toured, lived on music, had albums, had the works. Once. I used to be a writer once. A writer who was published. Once. It was one book. One. The future had to prepare for my arrival.. Once. I was a force. Now I'm forced. I bet that when I go back into work there will be a considerable raise given to me, and I will have some sort of Revolutionary Road decision making to do.
- I think AA is in the near future if I want to have a near future.
- Bukowski's "The Shoelace" is becoming prophetic. "So be careful when you bend over." I'm not fucking checking Buk. I'm going to trip over my laces for a while.