as promised.....a couple of your deaths predicted. i will get to all of them in due time, it just takes a while to write them.
soiraile
SPOILERS! (Click to view)youre on a plane to japan. youve had a shit morning because first you overslept, then your car wouldnt start as you were leaving the house. on the way to the airport, some fuckbag cuts you off causing you to swerve into the other lane prompting a cop to pull you over, adding more time to your trip. you pass the time by imagining what it would look like if the officers head were to spontaneously combust. when he finally lets you go after a lecture about how you should be more mindful of those around you, you speed off to the aiport hoping youll have the time to check your bags before preboarding starts. it then occurs to you that "preboarding," is a bullshit term. theres boarding and theres all the shit you had to do before you get on the plane. theres no such thing as, "preboarding."
upon finally boarding the plane, you have some fat guy next to you who smells like cheese and keeps moving around and bumping you with his flabby elbows. youre trying to be nice but the aggravation only continues when some little snot-nosed bastard behind you keeps kicking your seat while singing the theme to Spongebob Squarepants over and over and over. you politely turn around and inform the childs mother that hes doing this and she scolds him. for a little while, things are okay. then, while the kids mother is in the bathroom, he starts kicking your seat again. nearing the end of your fuse, you are finally pushed over the edge when fattie drops his snickers bar and when bending over to pick it up, headbutts you in the nose. you knee him in the face, knocking him to the ground with relative ease, then turn your attention to the miscreant behind you, screaming at him incoherently that his mom told him to cut it out.
unfortunately, post 9/11 paranoia being what it is, several people in the vicinity see you bellowing and over the roar of the planes engines mistake the word, "mom," for, "bomb." several of them jump on you at once and as you fall to the ground, arms flailing, your head cracks open when it hits fatties hailiburton briefcase causing it to hemorrhage and as you lay on the ground expiring, the last thought you have is, "i should have fucking flown United."
corinthia
SPOILERS! (Click to view)youre at a tattoo/piercing convention in denver. you entertain yourself by networking and making small talk with some of the attendees. youre busy making time with this girl who looks kind of like parker posey with glasses when you hear this ear splitting explosion outside the arena. as the rumbling continues, the roof starts to come apart and collapse. you grab the two most attractive people you see and make a run for the door, but upon opening it, you look at and what you see looks like something out of a michael bay movie only with more explosions and without the air of pretentiousness. the sky is filled with thick black smoke and ashes are falling from the sky. towards the northwest over the mountains, you see a huge plume of fire reaching into the stratusphere. immediately, you realize that the giant volcano under yellowstone national park has finally erupted.
you look up and see that the bombardment of fire and ash is only getting worse so you seek refuge by hiding under a pile of dead hippies. this only works for so long and as you decide that you really ought to find some other place to go. keys to a vehicle fall out of one of the hippies pockets. you see that the vehicle is a volkswagen bus. after finding the right one (there about 15 in the nearest parking lot alone) you grab the two survivors you escaped the arena the arena in and head east.
at first, things arent so bad. you and your two companions are able to survive off the land until the vegetation starts to die since the sun is blocked out. eventually you, as well as pretty much anyone else who is alive, are forced to live off of nothing but mushrooms. one day, one of your companions finds some psychedelic mushrooms and figures its just the thing to take the edge off. he fails to mention this distinction to you and you eat the entire bunch of them, unknowingly eating enough of them to make a rhino trip his balls off.
running naked through what remains of the woods raving and jabbering about cornflakes you come upon a bunch of cute little kitties and are overjoyed since they are the first cats you have seen in months. it never occurs to you that cats arent supposed to be this big and as you reach to pet it, the panther bites into your forearm. its two young soon follow suit in dramatic fashion as none of them have eaten in days and you look positively yummy to them. they quickly devour most of you but the good news is that the nuclear fallout from the volcano irradiated the landscape and in short time you will return as a zombie and feed on the flesh of the living.