So I haven't been dealing very well with Nick's death. I took it upon myself to repress all the feelings that I have and develop an anxiety/depression problem. I ended up going to the doctor yesterday and getting antidepressants, but I decided not to take them. I've also decided it's time to uncover the repressed feelings I have.
Truth is I'm a mess, so much that I've been constantly worrying about everything and everyone. It ranges from worries about loved ones getting in car accidents to myself having physical health issues. Over the past week I've been particularly bad. I was anxious about everything and that caused my heart rate to increase, so I started worrying that I was having heart problems. With that it became impossible to have fun doing anything.
After a week of feeling terrible I went to the doctor to find out that I'm physically healthy and I shouldn't be worrying about it. I also realized that all my problems stem from a depression that I believe is caused from me not dealing well with Nick's parting.
Today I've taken my first steps to try and deal with everything. I wrote a comment on Nick's myspace too let out some of my feelings. It would probably be best if I actually sat down and talked with someone about it, but currently I'm working my way up to it.
Also I've started this blog, that I will consider my journal, to track my progression and feelings.
Right now I'm feeling entirely too anxious and everything is making me feel ansy.
When I found out about Nick I was in Maryland at work. Immediatly after being told I had to walk around the office for an hour just to keep myself from passing out from a panic attack. I remember the drive home was very stressful. The whole way I was trying to calm myself down, as I got phone calls from people that cared about me and Nick. Afterwards, when I got home, the first person I actually talked to was my mom. She knew something was wrong from just seeing my face. After she asked me a few times I finally told her "Nick died". It was all I could say before I started crying. Tears just poored out like never before. She did her best to calm me down, and a little later Kelley came over. They both cheered me up some, but I believe it was then that I started tucking things away in my mind. Trying not to face the pain and reality of the situation.
I've always, since I can remember anyways, been that way. Just not dealing with feelings and things like it.
Nick was my best friend since sixth grade when we first met. I remember back then we traded toys, and I slept over in his tiny room, on the tiny floor. I had gotten to know some of what town life was like from those days. What it was like to walk home from school instead of an hour long bus ride. We spent a lot of time together back then.
As we left school and grew older I spent less time with Nick though, and I feel like I wasn't there for him as much as I should have been. I don't know if he felt the same way. In a way I feel like I should have known Nick was back into his drug problems. I feel like I should have been able to stop him, or atleast try.
Awhile back he came to us for help, to get cleaned up. I remember helping him clear out his room of anything and everything that was drug related. He told us that he couldn't get into rehad because they were all full. Afterwards I never followed through with helping him. I should have been there for him, and I don't even know why I wasn't anymore. It was probably some selfish reason that I created.
All that time I was sure that he was still doing drugs, but I had thought that he had it under control. That he was doing the small stuff. I guess deep down I knew he was into it worse that I wanted to believe.
I'm sure that if I had been there more often he would have atleast made some sort of hint that he wanted help, but I wasn't. I probably didn't even hang out with him once a week. It had turned into more like once a month, although Nick wasn't alone, he spent plenty of time with my brother Adam. I'm glad him and Adam had become close friends.
I know I shouldn't blame myself, but I can't help but think that things would be different if I had actually spent more time hanging out with Nick.
This is all I can really think to say today. I would like to thank anyone who actually read this. It's important that I get things out.
Truth is I'm a mess, so much that I've been constantly worrying about everything and everyone. It ranges from worries about loved ones getting in car accidents to myself having physical health issues. Over the past week I've been particularly bad. I was anxious about everything and that caused my heart rate to increase, so I started worrying that I was having heart problems. With that it became impossible to have fun doing anything.
After a week of feeling terrible I went to the doctor to find out that I'm physically healthy and I shouldn't be worrying about it. I also realized that all my problems stem from a depression that I believe is caused from me not dealing well with Nick's parting.
Today I've taken my first steps to try and deal with everything. I wrote a comment on Nick's myspace too let out some of my feelings. It would probably be best if I actually sat down and talked with someone about it, but currently I'm working my way up to it.
Also I've started this blog, that I will consider my journal, to track my progression and feelings.
Right now I'm feeling entirely too anxious and everything is making me feel ansy.
When I found out about Nick I was in Maryland at work. Immediatly after being told I had to walk around the office for an hour just to keep myself from passing out from a panic attack. I remember the drive home was very stressful. The whole way I was trying to calm myself down, as I got phone calls from people that cared about me and Nick. Afterwards, when I got home, the first person I actually talked to was my mom. She knew something was wrong from just seeing my face. After she asked me a few times I finally told her "Nick died". It was all I could say before I started crying. Tears just poored out like never before. She did her best to calm me down, and a little later Kelley came over. They both cheered me up some, but I believe it was then that I started tucking things away in my mind. Trying not to face the pain and reality of the situation.
I've always, since I can remember anyways, been that way. Just not dealing with feelings and things like it.
Nick was my best friend since sixth grade when we first met. I remember back then we traded toys, and I slept over in his tiny room, on the tiny floor. I had gotten to know some of what town life was like from those days. What it was like to walk home from school instead of an hour long bus ride. We spent a lot of time together back then.
As we left school and grew older I spent less time with Nick though, and I feel like I wasn't there for him as much as I should have been. I don't know if he felt the same way. In a way I feel like I should have known Nick was back into his drug problems. I feel like I should have been able to stop him, or atleast try.
Awhile back he came to us for help, to get cleaned up. I remember helping him clear out his room of anything and everything that was drug related. He told us that he couldn't get into rehad because they were all full. Afterwards I never followed through with helping him. I should have been there for him, and I don't even know why I wasn't anymore. It was probably some selfish reason that I created.
All that time I was sure that he was still doing drugs, but I had thought that he had it under control. That he was doing the small stuff. I guess deep down I knew he was into it worse that I wanted to believe.
I'm sure that if I had been there more often he would have atleast made some sort of hint that he wanted help, but I wasn't. I probably didn't even hang out with him once a week. It had turned into more like once a month, although Nick wasn't alone, he spent plenty of time with my brother Adam. I'm glad him and Adam had become close friends.
I know I shouldn't blame myself, but I can't help but think that things would be different if I had actually spent more time hanging out with Nick.
This is all I can really think to say today. I would like to thank anyone who actually read this. It's important that I get things out.
*hugs*
But bereavement isn't a straight path, and starting to deal with you feelings is the first step.