So a couple of days ago, I'm walking back to my hooch from the Chow hall, minding my own business, and some dude walks by me. "Do you have the time?" he asks. "It's 6:15," I say.
And that's it. That's the end of the story.
Now some of you are likely thinking, "Man, this guy has finally lost his damned mind and is headed for the bell tower." But hopefully someone will see where I'm headed. Some guy, some stranger who I've never met, asks me the time. I check my watch, which is hard to read because it only has markers instead of numbers, but I tell him. So here's my question. Where's my fucking thank you?
Over and over again, nobody's saying thank you. And frankly, I'm sick of it. The decline of manners in this country has seriously fallen askew. And it's not just with thank yous, oh no. The amount of rudeness you find in your daily routine is more prevalent than a low SAT score on Deal or No Deal.
Ever walk by the coffee bar and see a line out front? Invariably, some shithead is in the middle of that line smoking a cigarette. Now, I'm not going to harp on cigarettes, mainly because I smoke and think that anti-smoking activists are somewhere between Bills fans and people who listen to Sean Paul. Hell, I will even agree that second-hand smoke is bad for you, yet people have absolutely no qualms about being rude enough to lighting up in front of a group of people who have better things to do than breath other's smoke. If I was in line at a coffee bar and decided to pull my pants down and drop a nasty deuce on the ground, you know what would happen? The apocalypse, that's what. And it's not just health reasons. Some smokers also feel the need to hold their cigarette like it's a piece of chalk. Hey fuckshit, it's a stick on fire! Be careful with that thing. Call me a pussy, but I don't like getting burned. I'm weird like that.
Or say you're at the movies, and some asshole's cell phone goes off. You know what? This complaint has become a clich. Even Best Buy is showing elaborate ads before the movie to tell you to turn your cell phone off. I mean, Christ, it's not as though they just invented cell phones and society as a whole hasn't decided the only thing worse for a moviegoer than someone's cell phone going off is having to sit through something starring Sarah Jessica Parker. Do you know how ignorant you have to be to still have your cell phone go off in the movies? It's like not knowing it's uncool to still put the Jews in work camps.
I could go on forever. Anyway, to help you avoid a steady diet of painstaking ignorance, here's a sampling of people to avoid, with my typical dose of generalization and malaise.
People in the City
For those of you who live in the suburbs or rural areas, you might think I'm making a mountain of a molehill, and to that I say piss off. I grew up traveling between the suburbs and the country but the rudeness in the city dwarfs anything I have ever seen. It's unbelievable. I don't know how it is in LA or New York, but the city of Houston is like a 4 million people who grew up without parents. And if they did have parents, their parents were blazing crack-heads. I'm telling you, move to an area with a surplus of Starbucks, a public transit system, and far too many minorities and you'll understand. Speaking of minorities...
Foreigners
I hate to get political, but I am completely for racial profiling. Coming back from R&R with my beautiful wife I saw a white businessman selected in the airport for a random bag check. You see, they have random bag checks because it's much more politically correct to ignore people you actually believe could bomb the plane and make innocent Whitey suffer. Liberals consider that a victory.
You know what, when I get on the plane, I'm not worried about guys like him; I'm worried about the guy with the turban and a crazy beard. And if that makes me a racist, so be it. I'm not claiming all Muslims are trying to blow up airplanes, but considering a large proportion of terrorists in the past 20 years have been of Arabic descent, is it wrong to be skeptical? Isn't that just playing the numbers? And about those turbans, do me a favor, when you get on the plane, stick it in your fucking carry-on. I realize it's a religious thing but how about showing a little compassion? We're less than a decade removed from an atrocious attack on our nation's soil by people of your very religion. Hey, if Catholics had been responsible for 9/11, I'd gladly take off my Jesus Loves Me t-shirt before boarding.
If you think I'm being ignorant, remember something: we're the only nation in the world that actually caters to foreigners. For example, when I went on R&R to Greece I was told by the chaplain not to wear any shirt with English writing because that irritates the Hellas or Hellenes, I am still trying to figure that one out evidently Greek is a derogatory word). We did as we were told, and you know why? Because Greece is not my country! If you're going to come to America, you should adapt to me. You're a guest in my country, wipe your shoes, don't chew with your mouth open, and if you get on board a plane, take off your fucking turban!
High School Kids
I'm not trying to sound like an old fart (I mean hell, I was just in high school a few years ago), but my God teenagers today suck ass. What is wrong with these kids? Maybe they're disillusioned because a network that calls itself Music Television doesn't play any music. Maybe the music they do hear sucks ass (I mean, seriously, "Come get yo Laffy Taffy"?). Maybe it's because marijuana prices have gone up? Or because gas prices are real high and you can't drive around Taco Bell for hours on end pretending you're cool? Personally, I think it's time we start abusing kids again.
Middle-Aged Women
Middle-aged women make we want to pour dry ice down my pants and sit through the WNBA playoffs. What is wrong with middle-aged women? Ever been at a cash register standing behind one of these menopausal mavens and had to watch them while they get their change? What do they do? They get their change and then take their sweet time putting it back in their purse, all the while NOT moving from the fucking cash register, forcing poor me and my $4.89 and pack of cigarettes to wait for (this rhymes with bunt) to mosey her fat twat out of my way. Here's the problem: middle-aged women have nobody to impress but their fat slob of a husband, ungrateful kids, and the other hoes in the beauty shop.
Old People
Except for my grandma and the guy who used to chug beer on The Man Show, old people annoy the piss out of me. If you think I'm wrong, spend a couple of hours in the supermarket. Old fucks saunter through there like their names are Henry and Henrietta Stopandshop. I've never seen anything like the rudeness inherent in old people at the supermarket.
One time, I was wandering through the baked goods aisle looking for some tasty Frosted Donuts, and some old lady had her cart perpendicular to the aisle making it impossible for anyone not named Kate Moss to get by. I rolled up to her so she could clearly see me, and yet she didn't move. I even gave her the old Excuse me? and you know what she did? (Christ, I'm getting pissed just typing this.) She smirked. One of those smirks you make at people who are walking their dog in the park and stop to pick up the pooch's shit. Oh man, did that piss me off. I wish that old bat had one of those rolling oxygen tanks. I'd disconnect it and beat her over the head with it.
All of the aforementioned shitbags are not concerned about their fellow man. When you're in your twenties, all you do is try to impress people: men and women you find attractive, prospective employers, professors, parents, friends.
You think foreigners give a fuck if they piss off Americans? Of course not, because our society caters to them. Same with old people; I swear if I hear the phrase greatest generation one more time, I'm going to rape Matlock. Why don't you ask old blacks and Jews and Asians how they felt about the greatest generation in the 30s, 40s and 50s? High school kids aren't quite human so I'll let them pass. But everyone else, there will be no passing.
As for people in our age group who are impolite assholes, stop having sex with them. That's all. Trust me, I'm a guy, I learned a long time ago that only the purest and most focused assholes get laid on a spectacularly regular basis. So stop boning them. I quit having sex with ignorant girls years ago, and that has everything to do with me trying to promote change, not to mention my lovely wife.
So please, let's all do our part. Screw the environment and the homeless and the Kansas City Royals. There is a far greater issue that needs our care, and that issue is rudeness. Listen to what I've said and give it a shot. And if it doesn't work, I'll tell you what, you don't even have to thank me.
And that's it. That's the end of the story.
Now some of you are likely thinking, "Man, this guy has finally lost his damned mind and is headed for the bell tower." But hopefully someone will see where I'm headed. Some guy, some stranger who I've never met, asks me the time. I check my watch, which is hard to read because it only has markers instead of numbers, but I tell him. So here's my question. Where's my fucking thank you?
Over and over again, nobody's saying thank you. And frankly, I'm sick of it. The decline of manners in this country has seriously fallen askew. And it's not just with thank yous, oh no. The amount of rudeness you find in your daily routine is more prevalent than a low SAT score on Deal or No Deal.
Ever walk by the coffee bar and see a line out front? Invariably, some shithead is in the middle of that line smoking a cigarette. Now, I'm not going to harp on cigarettes, mainly because I smoke and think that anti-smoking activists are somewhere between Bills fans and people who listen to Sean Paul. Hell, I will even agree that second-hand smoke is bad for you, yet people have absolutely no qualms about being rude enough to lighting up in front of a group of people who have better things to do than breath other's smoke. If I was in line at a coffee bar and decided to pull my pants down and drop a nasty deuce on the ground, you know what would happen? The apocalypse, that's what. And it's not just health reasons. Some smokers also feel the need to hold their cigarette like it's a piece of chalk. Hey fuckshit, it's a stick on fire! Be careful with that thing. Call me a pussy, but I don't like getting burned. I'm weird like that.
Or say you're at the movies, and some asshole's cell phone goes off. You know what? This complaint has become a clich. Even Best Buy is showing elaborate ads before the movie to tell you to turn your cell phone off. I mean, Christ, it's not as though they just invented cell phones and society as a whole hasn't decided the only thing worse for a moviegoer than someone's cell phone going off is having to sit through something starring Sarah Jessica Parker. Do you know how ignorant you have to be to still have your cell phone go off in the movies? It's like not knowing it's uncool to still put the Jews in work camps.
I could go on forever. Anyway, to help you avoid a steady diet of painstaking ignorance, here's a sampling of people to avoid, with my typical dose of generalization and malaise.
People in the City
For those of you who live in the suburbs or rural areas, you might think I'm making a mountain of a molehill, and to that I say piss off. I grew up traveling between the suburbs and the country but the rudeness in the city dwarfs anything I have ever seen. It's unbelievable. I don't know how it is in LA or New York, but the city of Houston is like a 4 million people who grew up without parents. And if they did have parents, their parents were blazing crack-heads. I'm telling you, move to an area with a surplus of Starbucks, a public transit system, and far too many minorities and you'll understand. Speaking of minorities...
Foreigners
I hate to get political, but I am completely for racial profiling. Coming back from R&R with my beautiful wife I saw a white businessman selected in the airport for a random bag check. You see, they have random bag checks because it's much more politically correct to ignore people you actually believe could bomb the plane and make innocent Whitey suffer. Liberals consider that a victory.
You know what, when I get on the plane, I'm not worried about guys like him; I'm worried about the guy with the turban and a crazy beard. And if that makes me a racist, so be it. I'm not claiming all Muslims are trying to blow up airplanes, but considering a large proportion of terrorists in the past 20 years have been of Arabic descent, is it wrong to be skeptical? Isn't that just playing the numbers? And about those turbans, do me a favor, when you get on the plane, stick it in your fucking carry-on. I realize it's a religious thing but how about showing a little compassion? We're less than a decade removed from an atrocious attack on our nation's soil by people of your very religion. Hey, if Catholics had been responsible for 9/11, I'd gladly take off my Jesus Loves Me t-shirt before boarding.
If you think I'm being ignorant, remember something: we're the only nation in the world that actually caters to foreigners. For example, when I went on R&R to Greece I was told by the chaplain not to wear any shirt with English writing because that irritates the Hellas or Hellenes, I am still trying to figure that one out evidently Greek is a derogatory word). We did as we were told, and you know why? Because Greece is not my country! If you're going to come to America, you should adapt to me. You're a guest in my country, wipe your shoes, don't chew with your mouth open, and if you get on board a plane, take off your fucking turban!
High School Kids
I'm not trying to sound like an old fart (I mean hell, I was just in high school a few years ago), but my God teenagers today suck ass. What is wrong with these kids? Maybe they're disillusioned because a network that calls itself Music Television doesn't play any music. Maybe the music they do hear sucks ass (I mean, seriously, "Come get yo Laffy Taffy"?). Maybe it's because marijuana prices have gone up? Or because gas prices are real high and you can't drive around Taco Bell for hours on end pretending you're cool? Personally, I think it's time we start abusing kids again.
Middle-Aged Women
Middle-aged women make we want to pour dry ice down my pants and sit through the WNBA playoffs. What is wrong with middle-aged women? Ever been at a cash register standing behind one of these menopausal mavens and had to watch them while they get their change? What do they do? They get their change and then take their sweet time putting it back in their purse, all the while NOT moving from the fucking cash register, forcing poor me and my $4.89 and pack of cigarettes to wait for (this rhymes with bunt) to mosey her fat twat out of my way. Here's the problem: middle-aged women have nobody to impress but their fat slob of a husband, ungrateful kids, and the other hoes in the beauty shop.
Old People
Except for my grandma and the guy who used to chug beer on The Man Show, old people annoy the piss out of me. If you think I'm wrong, spend a couple of hours in the supermarket. Old fucks saunter through there like their names are Henry and Henrietta Stopandshop. I've never seen anything like the rudeness inherent in old people at the supermarket.
One time, I was wandering through the baked goods aisle looking for some tasty Frosted Donuts, and some old lady had her cart perpendicular to the aisle making it impossible for anyone not named Kate Moss to get by. I rolled up to her so she could clearly see me, and yet she didn't move. I even gave her the old Excuse me? and you know what she did? (Christ, I'm getting pissed just typing this.) She smirked. One of those smirks you make at people who are walking their dog in the park and stop to pick up the pooch's shit. Oh man, did that piss me off. I wish that old bat had one of those rolling oxygen tanks. I'd disconnect it and beat her over the head with it.
All of the aforementioned shitbags are not concerned about their fellow man. When you're in your twenties, all you do is try to impress people: men and women you find attractive, prospective employers, professors, parents, friends.
You think foreigners give a fuck if they piss off Americans? Of course not, because our society caters to them. Same with old people; I swear if I hear the phrase greatest generation one more time, I'm going to rape Matlock. Why don't you ask old blacks and Jews and Asians how they felt about the greatest generation in the 30s, 40s and 50s? High school kids aren't quite human so I'll let them pass. But everyone else, there will be no passing.
As for people in our age group who are impolite assholes, stop having sex with them. That's all. Trust me, I'm a guy, I learned a long time ago that only the purest and most focused assholes get laid on a spectacularly regular basis. So stop boning them. I quit having sex with ignorant girls years ago, and that has everything to do with me trying to promote change, not to mention my lovely wife.
So please, let's all do our part. Screw the environment and the homeless and the Kansas City Royals. There is a far greater issue that needs our care, and that issue is rudeness. Listen to what I've said and give it a shot. And if it doesn't work, I'll tell you what, you don't even have to thank me.
dhd_no_pants:
Did you write this?