Ughh, something is going on with the Stars or something cause everything is crazy right now!
The one I love is a mystery to me, and is not able to tell me the truth about what she is going through. It hurts so bad. Why can't I communicate? I just can't seem to control my innate tendency to talk too much, and at the wrong time in the wrong way. I just have to speak my mind, it's as if I have to try and keep up with my thoughts and when I get inspired or interested in proceedings, I turn into a total obnoxious arse. It's always been that way... I was born that way. It has always been a problem. People can't deal with it and I can't blame them. I just can't seem to change because I only get like that when I'm excited or inspired or serious about things and when I'm in those states of mind, I'm too busy spouting ideas and surfing my train of thought to be concious of the fact that I need to just slow down and keep it on a level that doesn't just overwhelm people. I wish I could meet more people like me who find it natural to communicate at an accelerated rate and process multiple concepts and variations thereof simultaneosly. I occasionally meet people that I have incredible conversations and exchanges of ideas and knowledge with in that way... which basically involves us talking simultaneously and fully communicating with no problem... it's just a good talk to us. One time in particular the people around us were stunned by the fact that we talked to each other for ages in that way... talking at the same time... they couldn't understand, to them it just sounded like an impossible cacophony of noise where as to us it was just a good conversation. There is a time for silence and a time for speach, why can't I just slow my mind down so that I won't need to get everything I'm thinking out of my head during a conversation????? I wish I could, but my mind just functions a certain way and to me it seems natural to process things in that way... I can listen and speak and think and imagine all at the same time... If we all could, so much could be accomplished and learned so much faster and more efficiently. I'm not saying that I am constantly in this state, but when I get energized my thought processes just accelerate and I can have so many ideas originating from a single concept simultaneously sprouting alternate viewpoints and modes of logic based deduction that I can't express or communicate them effectively. I just can't help it though, when I get in that state of mind I just can't control my mouth... I get over excited like a puppy that just wants to play and fuck everything up... The sad part is that I get that way when I am happy, or inspired and feeling good or energized about something.... so to control it I have to zone out and be apathetic which totally sucks and means that I can't be happy without fucking annoying and upsetting people as I just come off as an arrogant fuckhead when really I'm usually just feeling inspired and wanting to express all the thoughts and ideas that are going through my head so that I can share them and explore all the potential aspects and possibilities. Unfortunately this means that I don't leave the other people with a chance to speak without talking over me and most people hate that and take it personally. Of course this is all situationally determined... I can just hang and chill and listen, but when something is said during a longer point that sets my mind going, I feel like I have to say it immediately or the point would get lost, because it would be a different yet simultaneous potential exchange of knowledge and understanding that would not be relevent or poignant unless brought up in context. This is total bs I'm sure, but I can't seem to find a way to tame it. It's been a flaw in me for as long as I can remember and I still can't seem to control it enough to not fuck up and drive people I care about and love away, or smother them to the point of exaustion, frustration and anger. I wish I could, I need to master my conciousness and focus, harness, and channel it so that I can acheive all the shit that's in there and wants to get out... ughhh I lost my Star and I am so sad....
The one I love is a mystery to me, and is not able to tell me the truth about what she is going through. It hurts so bad. Why can't I communicate? I just can't seem to control my innate tendency to talk too much, and at the wrong time in the wrong way. I just have to speak my mind, it's as if I have to try and keep up with my thoughts and when I get inspired or interested in proceedings, I turn into a total obnoxious arse. It's always been that way... I was born that way. It has always been a problem. People can't deal with it and I can't blame them. I just can't seem to change because I only get like that when I'm excited or inspired or serious about things and when I'm in those states of mind, I'm too busy spouting ideas and surfing my train of thought to be concious of the fact that I need to just slow down and keep it on a level that doesn't just overwhelm people. I wish I could meet more people like me who find it natural to communicate at an accelerated rate and process multiple concepts and variations thereof simultaneosly. I occasionally meet people that I have incredible conversations and exchanges of ideas and knowledge with in that way... which basically involves us talking simultaneously and fully communicating with no problem... it's just a good talk to us. One time in particular the people around us were stunned by the fact that we talked to each other for ages in that way... talking at the same time... they couldn't understand, to them it just sounded like an impossible cacophony of noise where as to us it was just a good conversation. There is a time for silence and a time for speach, why can't I just slow my mind down so that I won't need to get everything I'm thinking out of my head during a conversation????? I wish I could, but my mind just functions a certain way and to me it seems natural to process things in that way... I can listen and speak and think and imagine all at the same time... If we all could, so much could be accomplished and learned so much faster and more efficiently. I'm not saying that I am constantly in this state, but when I get energized my thought processes just accelerate and I can have so many ideas originating from a single concept simultaneously sprouting alternate viewpoints and modes of logic based deduction that I can't express or communicate them effectively. I just can't help it though, when I get in that state of mind I just can't control my mouth... I get over excited like a puppy that just wants to play and fuck everything up... The sad part is that I get that way when I am happy, or inspired and feeling good or energized about something.... so to control it I have to zone out and be apathetic which totally sucks and means that I can't be happy without fucking annoying and upsetting people as I just come off as an arrogant fuckhead when really I'm usually just feeling inspired and wanting to express all the thoughts and ideas that are going through my head so that I can share them and explore all the potential aspects and possibilities. Unfortunately this means that I don't leave the other people with a chance to speak without talking over me and most people hate that and take it personally. Of course this is all situationally determined... I can just hang and chill and listen, but when something is said during a longer point that sets my mind going, I feel like I have to say it immediately or the point would get lost, because it would be a different yet simultaneous potential exchange of knowledge and understanding that would not be relevent or poignant unless brought up in context. This is total bs I'm sure, but I can't seem to find a way to tame it. It's been a flaw in me for as long as I can remember and I still can't seem to control it enough to not fuck up and drive people I care about and love away, or smother them to the point of exaustion, frustration and anger. I wish I could, I need to master my conciousness and focus, harness, and channel it so that I can acheive all the shit that's in there and wants to get out... ughhh I lost my Star and I am so sad....